Down in the dumps again – challenges with adult children

Posted by kdo0827 @kdo0827, Dec 27, 2018

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I started taking Cymbalta and got off the other stuff. I was doing better but the past 2 months or so not so good. I’m struggling with feeling invisible and I’m feeling very unappreciated. I feel my kids only call when they want something or have a problem. They never ask how I’m feeling nor do they try and help. I had a procedure done yesterday and neither one bothered to check on me. Adding this to my depression isn’t good. Do any of you have these same feelings about your kids?What should I do?

Wow! I’m with you, I would never ask someone to take a taxi from the airport to get to my house! It seems to me that she could’ve had the grandchild nap earlier. As for Christmas gifts we do White Elephant. So I don’t expect a gift from our daughters although they do normally give me something but not even a card this year. I’m sure my depression isn’t helping how invisible I feel or is how I feel making my depression worse? 2019 is going to be the start of a new journey of my husband and I putting ourselves first and we’re going to start doing things we want instead of bailing out our kids every time they have a money problem. We certainly learned how to survive and it’s time they do too. We’ve spent thousands of dollars and I’ve depleted my 401K to help them. It’s time for us now.

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@kdo0827

Wow! I’m with you, I would never ask someone to take a taxi from the airport to get to my house! It seems to me that she could’ve had the grandchild nap earlier. As for Christmas gifts we do White Elephant. So I don’t expect a gift from our daughters although they do normally give me something but not even a card this year. I’m sure my depression isn’t helping how invisible I feel or is how I feel making my depression worse? 2019 is going to be the start of a new journey of my husband and I putting ourselves first and we’re going to start doing things we want instead of bailing out our kids every time they have a money problem. We certainly learned how to survive and it’s time they do too. We’ve spent thousands of dollars and I’ve depleted my 401K to help them. It’s time for us now.

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Also, I cannot imagine that your kids are too busy to call you like you requested. We all have the same 24 hours each day. They just need to make time for you.

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Sorry you are feeling low again. Frankly don’t discount that it is the end of the year, you have some organic changes because of meds, and the fact of life is that our kids do call only — at least mine (and they are stepkids!) when they have a problem. What I have found that is helpful for me is to text them now and again. They may not always respond quickly but it is a way to stay in touch. Hope you feel better! Best wishes for a healthy New Year.

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@mickj

@kdo0827 I can relate to what you are going through. I have 2 kids, but they're a bit younger than yours (23 & 26). They are fully involved in their own lives, and don't have much time for their old man. Any time my wife and/or I start questioning their priorities, we always swing back to what we were like at that age and where our attention was. It was pretty much the same as where our kids are right now. Does that make it right? Nope. From a big picture perspective, though, the joy of being a parent today is watching them learn, grow and live full lives as young adults. I certainly wish they'd call or stop by more often. But their focus is on other things, and I completely understand. If that means a little less of this old fart in their lives right now, I can deal with that as long as they are happy.
And when I'm feeling totally left out, I simply butt in. I'm their dad. I get to do that.

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@mickj– You are funny. It's extremely disconcerting when kids don't seem to "care" the way we do or the way we think that they should.

Liked by Parus, lioness

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@frangreen1143

Sorry you are feeling low again. Frankly don’t discount that it is the end of the year, you have some organic changes because of meds, and the fact of life is that our kids do call only — at least mine (and they are stepkids!) when they have a problem. What I have found that is helpful for me is to text them now and again. They may not always respond quickly but it is a way to stay in touch. Hope you feel better! Best wishes for a healthy New Year.

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@frangreen1143– This is a good point. Any time that we reflect back (and the new year is always a time for reflection) we remember the bad as well as the good. And this year has been horrendous with all the anger in the USA, especially. Also the light is dimmer from the sun and weather tends to keep us inside more. So if we already are depressed, don't want to go out, don't want to see anyone or have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) we will feel it even more.

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@frangreen1143

Sorry you are feeling low again. Frankly don’t discount that it is the end of the year, you have some organic changes because of meds, and the fact of life is that our kids do call only — at least mine (and they are stepkids!) when they have a problem. What I have found that is helpful for me is to text them now and again. They may not always respond quickly but it is a way to stay in touch. Hope you feel better! Best wishes for a healthy New Year.

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@frangreen1143 I do this with my adult children. I know how busy they are and do not feel they owe me because I am their mother. I owe them respect as adults. I have lots of love and they know this. I am thankful I do not add to their already stressful life.

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I certainly don’t think my kids owe me because I’m their mom but I do expect a thank you for gifts. I know they’re busy and we do text but when I’m going through medical issues and they know it, I can’t help but feel a little sad that they don’t ask how things went-such as procedures. I’ll get over it, I just wanted to share my feelings.

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@kdo0827– I agree wholeheartedly with you. And you are welcome to share your feelings whenever you wish and we all are here for you. Kids can be very hurtful. Have you spoken to them about how upset this has made you feel? All kids should be very thankful for what we do as parents.

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No I haven’t said anything. I don’t want to burden them and I’ve decided to make some changes for 2019. Hubby and I are going to start spending some money on us. Regular date nights, coffee on Saturdays, etc. Nothing expensive but it’s time for us now.

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@kdo0827

No I haven’t said anything. I don’t want to burden them and I’ve decided to make some changes for 2019. Hubby and I are going to start spending some money on us. Regular date nights, coffee on Saturdays, etc. Nothing expensive but it’s time for us now.

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@kdo0827 This is one of the healthiest posts I have read in this thread. I believe your children would like this decision too. Doing my Snoopy happy dance.

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It is hard but I am undergoing same problem and realize I cannot change children. Hope you start to feel better.

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@kdo0827

Also, I cannot imagine that your kids are too busy to call you like you requested. We all have the same 24 hours each day. They just need to make time for you.

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@kdo0827– On the other side my mother, who is a spry 88 yr. old who lives by herself and is very active volunteering and still drives some has 5 children with me being the oldest and closest (about 2 hrs. away). It seems that my youngest brother (who lives one state away) calls & travel to see her regularly. My middle brother just went (3 hrs. away) to visit her and was supposed to stay 2 days with his wife and at the last moment his wife decided she was to busy and he only stayed overnight. My mom has fusssed about meals & possible sights to see & for the most part they stayed home. When I asked how the visit went it was all about him and he really never asked how she was doing? He even commented that she looked like she gained some weight? Go figure? My 2 sisters have not visited her for over 2 years. They talk on the phone occasionally, but usually it more about their issues. Again not really asking "How are you doing mom"? "What have you been up to"? One is out of state and the other just 3 hrs. away. I just believe people have become so self consummed and they just don't think about loved ones like we used to? The youngest & oldest (57- 66) so we are not talking about young people anymore. My mom learns more about what is going on with my siblings by looking at their FB page. Very strange and sad!

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@thankful

@kdo0827– On the other side my mother, who is a spry 88 yr. old who lives by herself and is very active volunteering and still drives some has 5 children with me being the oldest and closest (about 2 hrs. away). It seems that my youngest brother (who lives one state away) calls & travel to see her regularly. My middle brother just went (3 hrs. away) to visit her and was supposed to stay 2 days with his wife and at the last moment his wife decided she was to busy and he only stayed overnight. My mom has fusssed about meals & possible sights to see & for the most part they stayed home. When I asked how the visit went it was all about him and he really never asked how she was doing? He even commented that she looked like she gained some weight? Go figure? My 2 sisters have not visited her for over 2 years. They talk on the phone occasionally, but usually it more about their issues. Again not really asking "How are you doing mom"? "What have you been up to"? One is out of state and the other just 3 hrs. away. I just believe people have become so self consummed and they just don't think about loved ones like we used to? The youngest & oldest (57- 66) so we are not talking about young people anymore. My mom learns more about what is going on with my siblings by looking at their FB page. Very strange and sad!

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I believe you’re right. Just today I was telling my husband that we only received 5 Christmas cards this year. We sent out around 45-50. He said I was just an old fashioned kind soul and that people are just too busy. I guess but I took the time to do it and heck it’s just once a year. Social media can be a good thing but it seems to consume a lot of people’s time. I gave up FB for the 10 days before Christmas it was amazing at how much more time I had. I’d like to see everyone slow down and get back to spending time with their family.

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@kdo0827

No I haven’t said anything. I don’t want to burden them and I’ve decided to make some changes for 2019. Hubby and I are going to start spending some money on us. Regular date nights, coffee on Saturdays, etc. Nothing expensive but it’s time for us now.

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kdo0827- Good for both of you!! Jim @thankful

Liked by kdo0827

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Thanks Jim!!

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