My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision

my journey is almost exactly the same as your wife’s journey. I also wanted a double mastectomy, but they only allowed me to have my left breast removed. They also suggested only do a lumpectomy. So I had my left breast taken off because they said if you have it removed it will never come back. This was in 2012 went through eight rounds of chemotherapy no radiation then a few months later I had reconstructive surgery and I thought I was home free over the years I never really felt well but I did my exercises and I lived a really healthy lifestyle and just, kind of pushed it aside here we are 2022 July I’m not feeling well I have what seems to be a scar tissue in my left arm pit 2018 I had a doctor look at it he said yeah it’s it’s just scar tissue. Don’t worry about it. Turns out that I have Metastatic stage four breast cancer metastasized to my lymph nodes. Almost all of them and my upper body, my bones and both lobes of my liver. Good news is I don’t have any in my right breast, but who knew. Everyone of us is different. Nobody can guarantee that it’s not gonna come back. Not once did anyone look in my armpit in all these years or do an ultrasound of my arm pit in all these years on the side where I had my breast removed. Whether you like it or not this is not your decision. This is your wife’s decision. It’s her body, her choice and I don’t know where you got the stupid idea that because she doesn’t have nipples she won’t be able to have an orgasm , I can tell you this is not true and I’m sure many other women could tell you the same thing. I really don’t understand your comment stating she is giving up everything because right now she is afraid of the future Your wife is fighting for her life. She’s trying to protect her future. The only thing she’s giving up are her breasts which have now become her biggest enemy. This is not an easy journey for any of us ask any woman what it’s like the first time you lean over and look down your shirt and your breast is gone, that’s reality buddy. But we survive. We are survivors if you can’t help your wife survive and lift her up through her darkest hours, and the hardest most painful thing she will go through in her entire life, then sit back and watch because she can take care of herself. We all do and we all can. It’s nice to have someone to support you by your side, but a lot of us have done this alone and we’re still here breasts or no breasts orgasms or no orgasms.

I’m sorry you are going thru this what can I do to help?

@gpigford Lots of responses that show the breath and depth of experiences and emotion. When one loses a friend or relative to the same cancer that they now have, there can be a feeling of despair and sense that the doctors didn’t get it right the first time. But know that so much has happened in the advancement of breast cancer treatment. I am hoping the picture of the book that my husband still glances at 3+ years later will help. (The Breast Cancer Support Partner Handbook by Judy C Kneece). There is also a companion book. We thought I had lobular cancer in only 1 breast. My double mastectomy revealed lobular and ductal cancer in the other. My dermatologist was treating me for Lyme disease concurrently and a skin biopsy came back positive for breast cancer that had spread. No scans or test could have picked that up. The both of you are on a team now and for the time being she is the captain. Continue to be on her team - the books will help - and you never know the when, where and how that you will be needed. And know that you are both on a much larger team that you both never wanted to be on - but we all got your backs!! Good luck to you both!

Thank you. There is a long wait here and have to see an MD who can refer me
to best treatment center nearby. A lot of waiting. My husband died of
cancer 3 years ago. I’m still a wreck from losing him.

Where are you located?

You are not alone❣️You found us. Please take some time to look at other less contentious threads here on connect there are many supportive and helpful people here. I promise🤓.
Can you tell me more about your journey and what country or state you live in? These both can help me to find support for you, and make suggestions to help you feel less alone.
I assume you have breast cancer, can you tell me what kind and how you found out? Have you had any scans, or tests you feel safe telling me about?

I agree @keepmoving2.

This discussion demonstrates how personal cancer is, the intensity of the journey and its emotions, as well as how individual it is. Just as individual the experience is for each woman (or man) with breast cancer, so too is the experience of the partner and/or caregiver or family member.

I love that you posted a picture of the book that your husband continues to refer to @keepmoving2. It is well worn, demonstrating not only much use, but loads of caring.

@gpigford, I applaud you for wading into a support group largely made up of women who have experience of having breast cancer to get feedback about your concerns and needs.

To all participants in this discussion, I would like to point to the Community Guidelines (https://connect.mayoclinic.org/blog/about-connect/tab/community-guidelines/), most notably guideline number 2:

2. Remain respectful at all times.
- Exercise tolerance and respect toward other participants whose views may differ from your own. Disagreements are fine, but mutual respect is a must.
- Be inclusive. Not everyone shares the same religious or political beliefs. Don't impose your beliefs on others.
- Personal attacks against members or health care providers are not acceptable. Such posts will be removed.

Welcome @reine, please note that I removed your personal email address from your message. Mayo Clinic Connect is a public forum. For your privacy and security, we recommend not posting personal contact information on the forum. To contact someone directly, you can use the secure private messaging function.

But I also point out that by posting in the discussions, you will get help from many members. 🙂

Reine, may I ask what type of breast cancer you have? Do you know the type and stage? This can help with your decision-making and the discussions with your surgeon when deciding between lumpectomy vs mastectomy along with your personal preferences.

Its not the flap procedure, its literally scars under the fold and there is no skin from other parts. Its "skin and nipple" saving surgery. I had a tummy tuck 15 years ago so that flap surgery is not an option. They take out the breast tissue and leave skin and nipples, put in implants. I will find out soon enough if it will work in my case and what exactly is involved.

Me too