1. < Caregivers

My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision

Posted by gpigford @gpigford, Jan 19, 2023

So a little history. My wife sister died of Breast cancer 25 years ago. It was a second occurrence for her. Now my wife was diagnosed 2 weeks ago. Single tumor 3.5 cm stage 1. Genetically negative. No other signs of any spread. Doctor said we caught it early and suggested a lumpectomy. Fast forward 2 weeks, countless doctor appointments and mountains of information. She has decided to go full tilt and do a double mastectomy. So 4 doctors and her husband suggest a conservative approach. All the research seems to put lumpectomy ver mastectomy on a level playing field and she is hitting it with everything.

Here is my dilemma , I don’t agree with her decision. I get she is scared and tired of 25 years of worry. I understand she just wants to get to the finish line. I just think she is making a rash decision and not looking at it objectively. And I get she is not really in a state of mind to make a clearheaded decision. I feel that is where I come in. I’m the stats guy. I’m the one who can look at things from a few feet back. My job is to be the rock through this. The support when her knees give out. Every time I try to talk to her, the claws come out and she goes into a full frontal assault accusing me of not respecting her body and her decision. That is not what I am trying to do. All I’m saying is a lumpectomy can become a mastectomy, but a mastectomy can never become a lumpectomy. It is a one way street. If two years from now she gets off the emotional roller coaster she can be making a life changing decision. She will never grow them back. She will lose nipple sensation forever. Without nipple sensation she will most likely never have another organism. She is giving up everything because right now she is afraid of the future.

Sorry to have rambled on but I just don’t know how to support something that I think is a fundamentally rash and wrong decision. Anyone insight is very appreciated.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

polianad22 | @polianad22 | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @gpigford "I also wanted to mention that my wife has this account username and PW. I encourage..." + (show)
@gpigford

I also wanted to mention that my wife has this account username and PW. I encourage her to log on and read what I write and even post her own stuff. She doesn't, I don't know why. She just seems to keep everything bottled up until she pops.

Jump to this post

Did you notice how much you use "I"?

REPLY
1 reply
Mentor
Helen, Volunteer Mentor | @naturegirl5 | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @gpigford "This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling..." + (show)
@gpigford

This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling down and don’t know where else to turn.

A couple months ago my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Things got crazy busy fast. Many doctors appointments and tests in a very short amount of time. I jumped in with both feet. She wasn’t going to them alone. I went to ever one of them. I was going to be the best husband and supporter she could ask for. We were going to do this together and I was fully committed.

Last Tuesday was the last appointment before meeting with the main surgeon. We had a mountain of information in binders. I wrongfully thought that this meeting was to go over all this information and ask final questions. Get our facts straight and our options laid out. We would go home and lay it all out on the dining room table. We would Discuss/Cry/argue/hug through everything we learned. Lay out the pro’s and con’s of the different options between mastectomy (double v. Single) and lumpectomy, plastic’s v. flat, etc, etc. I was grossly wrong. During that final doctors appointment my wife informed the doctor that we are going with a double mastectomy with plastic’s nipple persevering.

I found out the same time the doctor did. She didn’t even give me advance notice. I was crushed. I went con tonic. I just sat there without even being able to talk. I was numb. I felt so betrayed. We did this whole journey together and in the last moments she just cut me out because she knew I was favoring lumpectomy. She wanted to ovoid opposition so she just cut me out.

Now I know she is the star of this show. I know the ultimate decision was hers to make. I love her and would have supported her in whatever she chosen. But we were both in this together and she just took my voice away. I now will never get to find closer in this tour of information gathering. I was silenced and tossed aside because things may become hard and she dint want to deal with that.

It is eating me up inside trying to process what happened. I was spiraling out of control so that Thursday I called out of work and asked her to call out too. I thought we could spend the day together at the beach. Enjoy the day doing breakfast and lunch together. No cancer or diet talk (I’m over weight). Just us take a small mental break. She said no. I was crushed again. In shock really.

Well, instead of a day away from cancer, I spent the whole day obsessing about it, alone. I was sinking fast. That day was the darkest day of my life. I have never felt so alone and isolated like that. And while I know she did not intend to hurt me, she did like never before. We have been married 30 years and I felt so betrayed, I cried so much and couldn’t stop. My mind raced in a 100 directions. I work in the medical field and though rare, I know mistakes happen. I wanted a second opinion on the results. I wanted a repeat MRI. I wanted to know what would be the treatment plan if the cancer returned in future. I wanted her to see someone to make sure she wasn’t making a knee-jerk decision. I know the results were going to come back the same. I knew my request were not going to change this, but it gave me a some feeling of hope back in a time when I had none. I was reaching for something, any small light was better than what I had that day.

I was shocked, Nancy said no to them all. She was so cold about it. Yelled that it was unnecessary and would not change anything. It would not delay any timelines. The wheels were already in motion to get surgery scheduled. It would cost very little in the big picture. But it would have helped me come to terms with what was happening. In the lowest, darkest moment of my life, My wife just abandoned me to the darkness. After weeks of supporting her, holding her hand, I needed her to help me, hold my hand, support me. And instead she just abandoned me.

Now I know she loves me and had no ill intention. I don’t question that at all. I know she is in a much bigger whirl wind than I am. The emotions that she is feeling are much deeper and extreme than what I am going through. I know all of this. I know I should cut her a break and just let it go. I want to, I’m just having a hard time suppressing the feelings from surfacing. It is killing me because she can see it and then she feels bad. I’m not trying to add to what she already has to deal with. So than she resists talking to me about her anxiety’s to avoid adding to my baggage. Funny when you think about it, this all started because she didn’t talk to me.

The last thing I wish to say to all the sick people out there. Your caregiver/support team/family are here for you. We know you are the star. We know you carry the greatest burden of us all. But we matter too. Fear, anxiety, worry is not exclusive to you. We are impacted too. Support is not a one way street, it is a living breathing creature. No one wants to be here. No one wants you to go through more than you have to. Show them that you appreciate what they are going through as well.

Again, sorry so long.

Jump to this post

@gpigford I hear your voice loud and strong. It's OK to use "I" throughout your posting as you were referring to your perceptions, your reactions, and your anxiety about your wife.

My partner is a retired pathologist. He questions and second guesses many things but especially anything medical. This is an excellent quality for a pathologist and I definitely want these qualities in a pathologist who is reading my slides. But in a partner? It can be maddening.

When my provider found a tiny growth in the vagina during one of my cancer surveillance visits both she and my partner said that it did not "look" like cancer. (I was diagnosed with and had treatment for endometrial cancer in 2019). But of course the little growth had to be sent to pathology and examined under the microscope. The diagnosis was recurrent endometrial cancer. I was shocked when I heard "cancer recurrence". My partner questioned (and continues to question) whether the sample that was examined in pathology was actually my sample. The gross description, he said, did not match my sample. He wound up talking with the head of Anatomic Pathology who he knew and who was refreshingly open to taking a second look. He did and the diagnosis was the same. In the meantime I was on my way through a flurry of appointments getting ready to treat the recurrence. My partner came with me to every appointment and brought up again and again whether or not the sample that was examined was mine. Or was there a mix-up? It happens, he said. Can you imagine the anxiety I was already feeling about the recurrence and then my partner questioning all of this? Of course I am very happy to have him in my corner. But what was I to do? Refuse the recommended treatment and insist that pathology examine "my" sample again and again? Should I go along with the pathology report as it stood or ask for another opinion somewhere else?

In the end I followed the recommended treatment of radiation therapy for the recurrence. That was in 2021. It is now 2023 and my partner brought this up again a few days ago. It's over and done with. It doesn't help that he brings this up while I still cannot shed the worry about what will come up next?

I can only go on what you have written here, @gpigford. I can identify with your wife who is likely very frightened and wants the cancer gone and out of her body with surgery. I can also identify with you trying to be by her side and help sort through the mounds of information to make the best objective choice. But here's the thing. The minds of those of us with cancer who do not work in medicine are not very objective. We go to the worst case scenario and try as we might that's what we imagine.

My advice is to do what you are doing. Stay by her side even if there are days that it doesn't not feel like she wants you there. Your quiet presence is all that is needed. Your presence will say it all. Your quiet actions whatever they may be will continue to reassure. Find someone else you can talk with about your worries and let your wife know, as you have, that you are there and will support her decisions - and only say silently to yourself "even if I don't agree".

Will you please come back here and continue to let me know how you and your wife are doing?

REPLY
windyshores | @windyshores | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @gpigford "I’m sorry, maybe I am not doing a good job of explaining why I am here..." + (show)
@gpigford

I’m sorry, maybe I am not doing a good job of explaining why I am here and things are coming across wrong. I’m not looking for anyone to “take my side” or tell me that my wife is a bad person for not doing what I want. I’m not looking for validation of my feelings. They are my feelings and I am confused by them. I know that they are not all rational. I’m scared from me and her. I’m confused by everything that we are going through. It is a roller coaster of emotions for both of us. I know I don’t want to grow old alone, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to die. We had plans for the future and they are all looking so far away right now.

This support group for me is a pillow for me to scream into when nothing seems to make sense in the world. I hope to find out that we are not the only ones that are going through the emotions we are going through. To hear from others that may have words of encouragement help us understand why this is happening to us. It is “us” not “her”. If I wanted to just have someone tell me I’m right, I would go to my friends (I do that too by the way, because, sometimes I do just need someone to take my side). If this is not what this group is for than I misunderstood what this is all for.

I agree I am not seeing this from the same angle as she does. I post on the “Breast Cancer” forum rather than the “Caregivers” forum because I want to hear from people who are standing in her shoes. To help me understand her point of view when she may not be able to tell it to me.

I am sorry you went through it alone. That must have been very difficult. We have a full support group and it is still difficult. I could not imagine a woman doing this solo. Keeping it all straight and not going crazy must have been very challenging and scary.

Jump to this post

@gpigford as I continue to listen to my friend who is currently dealing with invasive cancer that requires chemo, I really do understand what you are feeling. My previous comment was in the context of my own struggle to honor autonomy of another person. I was doing things like providing phone numbers, list of doctors and info on hormonal cancers. I finally sent her a book and stepped back. The impulse is to help and support, but in my case I think it started to reflect a distrust of my friend's own capabilities.

Mastectomies can make us feel so much safer. I was fine going through breast cancer by myself btw !

Thank you for your kind response and best wishes to you and your wife. Your plans for the future will still happen!

REPLY
zeerj | @zeerj | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @gpigford "This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling..." + (show)
@gpigford

This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling down and don’t know where else to turn.

A couple months ago my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Things got crazy busy fast. Many doctors appointments and tests in a very short amount of time. I jumped in with both feet. She wasn’t going to them alone. I went to ever one of them. I was going to be the best husband and supporter she could ask for. We were going to do this together and I was fully committed.

Last Tuesday was the last appointment before meeting with the main surgeon. We had a mountain of information in binders. I wrongfully thought that this meeting was to go over all this information and ask final questions. Get our facts straight and our options laid out. We would go home and lay it all out on the dining room table. We would Discuss/Cry/argue/hug through everything we learned. Lay out the pro’s and con’s of the different options between mastectomy (double v. Single) and lumpectomy, plastic’s v. flat, etc, etc. I was grossly wrong. During that final doctors appointment my wife informed the doctor that we are going with a double mastectomy with plastic’s nipple persevering.

I found out the same time the doctor did. She didn’t even give me advance notice. I was crushed. I went con tonic. I just sat there without even being able to talk. I was numb. I felt so betrayed. We did this whole journey together and in the last moments she just cut me out because she knew I was favoring lumpectomy. She wanted to ovoid opposition so she just cut me out.

Now I know she is the star of this show. I know the ultimate decision was hers to make. I love her and would have supported her in whatever she chosen. But we were both in this together and she just took my voice away. I now will never get to find closer in this tour of information gathering. I was silenced and tossed aside because things may become hard and she dint want to deal with that.

It is eating me up inside trying to process what happened. I was spiraling out of control so that Thursday I called out of work and asked her to call out too. I thought we could spend the day together at the beach. Enjoy the day doing breakfast and lunch together. No cancer or diet talk (I’m over weight). Just us take a small mental break. She said no. I was crushed again. In shock really.

Well, instead of a day away from cancer, I spent the whole day obsessing about it, alone. I was sinking fast. That day was the darkest day of my life. I have never felt so alone and isolated like that. And while I know she did not intend to hurt me, she did like never before. We have been married 30 years and I felt so betrayed, I cried so much and couldn’t stop. My mind raced in a 100 directions. I work in the medical field and though rare, I know mistakes happen. I wanted a second opinion on the results. I wanted a repeat MRI. I wanted to know what would be the treatment plan if the cancer returned in future. I wanted her to see someone to make sure she wasn’t making a knee-jerk decision. I know the results were going to come back the same. I knew my request were not going to change this, but it gave me a some feeling of hope back in a time when I had none. I was reaching for something, any small light was better than what I had that day.

I was shocked, Nancy said no to them all. She was so cold about it. Yelled that it was unnecessary and would not change anything. It would not delay any timelines. The wheels were already in motion to get surgery scheduled. It would cost very little in the big picture. But it would have helped me come to terms with what was happening. In the lowest, darkest moment of my life, My wife just abandoned me to the darkness. After weeks of supporting her, holding her hand, I needed her to help me, hold my hand, support me. And instead she just abandoned me.

Now I know she loves me and had no ill intention. I don’t question that at all. I know she is in a much bigger whirl wind than I am. The emotions that she is feeling are much deeper and extreme than what I am going through. I know all of this. I know I should cut her a break and just let it go. I want to, I’m just having a hard time suppressing the feelings from surfacing. It is killing me because she can see it and then she feels bad. I’m not trying to add to what she already has to deal with. So than she resists talking to me about her anxiety’s to avoid adding to my baggage. Funny when you think about it, this all started because she didn’t talk to me.

The last thing I wish to say to all the sick people out there. Your caregiver/support team/family are here for you. We know you are the star. We know you carry the greatest burden of us all. But we matter too. Fear, anxiety, worry is not exclusive to you. We are impacted too. Support is not a one way street, it is a living breathing creature. No one wants to be here. No one wants you to go through more than you have to. Show them that you appreciate what they are going through as well.

Again, sorry so long.

Jump to this post

The emotional roller coaster hits everyone. when I was first diagnosed, I was scared for my kids as they are still young. I might be harsh but I felt replaceable to my husband as eventually he might choose to find another person to continue life with (I’ve seen it with two sister in laws). To my kids, they will not get over the feeling of losing their mother. I resented my husband as during the 20years we’ve been together, he was a major stress to me and I gave in a lot of my identity, wants and needs to please him. I was looking forward to see my kids grow up, have their own lives and enjoy loving their kids. Then, diagnosis came and I felt I will not be around for the one thing I wanted in life. This made me resent my husband. I understand you as her husband is stressed and afraid but in the end, you need to come to terms that it’s her decision and support it. I wanted to do diep flap for reconstruction and didn’t fill my husband in as I knew he was going to argue with me. He heard it from the plastic surgeon during one of my appts. Was he upset, maybe. After meeting with breast surgeon, she influenced me against flap and more implants because my cancer is higher risk. I hope this helps. Your wife is scarred and maybe resenting you for worrying about sexual aspect down the road when literally nothing to her matters except surviving.

REPLY
1 reply
trixie1313 | @trixie1313 | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @gpigford "I also wanted to mention that my wife has this account username and PW. I encourage..." + (show)
@gpigford

I also wanted to mention that my wife has this account username and PW. I encourage her to log on and read what I write and even post her own stuff. She doesn't, I don't know why. She just seems to keep everything bottled up until she pops.

Jump to this post

@gpigford
I've read and re-read your posts. It sounds like you wish to support your wife, but it also sounds as though you need a lot of support yourself. Respectfully, this is her decision alone to make whether lumpectomy or mastectomy. If there is a caregivers support group you can join, I hope you will consider joining that group.

REPLY
polianad22 | @polianad22 | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @zeerj "The emotional roller coaster hits everyone. when I was first diagnosed, I was scared for my..." + (show)
@zeerj

The emotional roller coaster hits everyone. when I was first diagnosed, I was scared for my kids as they are still young. I might be harsh but I felt replaceable to my husband as eventually he might choose to find another person to continue life with (I’ve seen it with two sister in laws). To my kids, they will not get over the feeling of losing their mother. I resented my husband as during the 20years we’ve been together, he was a major stress to me and I gave in a lot of my identity, wants and needs to please him. I was looking forward to see my kids grow up, have their own lives and enjoy loving their kids. Then, diagnosis came and I felt I will not be around for the one thing I wanted in life. This made me resent my husband. I understand you as her husband is stressed and afraid but in the end, you need to come to terms that it’s her decision and support it. I wanted to do diep flap for reconstruction and didn’t fill my husband in as I knew he was going to argue with me. He heard it from the plastic surgeon during one of my appts. Was he upset, maybe. After meeting with breast surgeon, she influenced me against flap and more implants because my cancer is higher risk. I hope this helps. Your wife is scarred and maybe resenting you for worrying about sexual aspect down the road when literally nothing to her matters except surviving.

Jump to this post

Breast cancer, especially on the left side, shows up from deep traumas and pains. What type of cancer did you have?

REPLY
1 reply
zeerj | @zeerj | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @polianad22 "Breast cancer, especially on the left side, shows up from deep traumas and pains. What type..." + (show)
@polianad22

Breast cancer, especially on the left side, shows up from deep traumas and pains. What type of cancer did you have?

Jump to this post

I had her2+. Didn’t have gene and read her2 is not genetic.

REPLY
1 reply
meme5 | @meme5 | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @gpigford "This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling..." + (show)
@gpigford

This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling down and don’t know where else to turn.

A couple months ago my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Things got crazy busy fast. Many doctors appointments and tests in a very short amount of time. I jumped in with both feet. She wasn’t going to them alone. I went to ever one of them. I was going to be the best husband and supporter she could ask for. We were going to do this together and I was fully committed.

Last Tuesday was the last appointment before meeting with the main surgeon. We had a mountain of information in binders. I wrongfully thought that this meeting was to go over all this information and ask final questions. Get our facts straight and our options laid out. We would go home and lay it all out on the dining room table. We would Discuss/Cry/argue/hug through everything we learned. Lay out the pro’s and con’s of the different options between mastectomy (double v. Single) and lumpectomy, plastic’s v. flat, etc, etc. I was grossly wrong. During that final doctors appointment my wife informed the doctor that we are going with a double mastectomy with plastic’s nipple persevering.

I found out the same time the doctor did. She didn’t even give me advance notice. I was crushed. I went con tonic. I just sat there without even being able to talk. I was numb. I felt so betrayed. We did this whole journey together and in the last moments she just cut me out because she knew I was favoring lumpectomy. She wanted to ovoid opposition so she just cut me out.

Now I know she is the star of this show. I know the ultimate decision was hers to make. I love her and would have supported her in whatever she chosen. But we were both in this together and she just took my voice away. I now will never get to find closer in this tour of information gathering. I was silenced and tossed aside because things may become hard and she dint want to deal with that.

It is eating me up inside trying to process what happened. I was spiraling out of control so that Thursday I called out of work and asked her to call out too. I thought we could spend the day together at the beach. Enjoy the day doing breakfast and lunch together. No cancer or diet talk (I’m over weight). Just us take a small mental break. She said no. I was crushed again. In shock really.

Well, instead of a day away from cancer, I spent the whole day obsessing about it, alone. I was sinking fast. That day was the darkest day of my life. I have never felt so alone and isolated like that. And while I know she did not intend to hurt me, she did like never before. We have been married 30 years and I felt so betrayed, I cried so much and couldn’t stop. My mind raced in a 100 directions. I work in the medical field and though rare, I know mistakes happen. I wanted a second opinion on the results. I wanted a repeat MRI. I wanted to know what would be the treatment plan if the cancer returned in future. I wanted her to see someone to make sure she wasn’t making a knee-jerk decision. I know the results were going to come back the same. I knew my request were not going to change this, but it gave me a some feeling of hope back in a time when I had none. I was reaching for something, any small light was better than what I had that day.

I was shocked, Nancy said no to them all. She was so cold about it. Yelled that it was unnecessary and would not change anything. It would not delay any timelines. The wheels were already in motion to get surgery scheduled. It would cost very little in the big picture. But it would have helped me come to terms with what was happening. In the lowest, darkest moment of my life, My wife just abandoned me to the darkness. After weeks of supporting her, holding her hand, I needed her to help me, hold my hand, support me. And instead she just abandoned me.

Now I know she loves me and had no ill intention. I don’t question that at all. I know she is in a much bigger whirl wind than I am. The emotions that she is feeling are much deeper and extreme than what I am going through. I know all of this. I know I should cut her a break and just let it go. I want to, I’m just having a hard time suppressing the feelings from surfacing. It is killing me because she can see it and then she feels bad. I’m not trying to add to what she already has to deal with. So than she resists talking to me about her anxiety’s to avoid adding to my baggage. Funny when you think about it, this all started because she didn’t talk to me.

The last thing I wish to say to all the sick people out there. Your caregiver/support team/family are here for you. We know you are the star. We know you carry the greatest burden of us all. But we matter too. Fear, anxiety, worry is not exclusive to you. We are impacted too. Support is not a one way street, it is a living breathing creature. No one wants to be here. No one wants you to go through more than you have to. Show them that you appreciate what they are going through as well.

Again, sorry so long.

Jump to this post

It is “us” not “her”. Actually it is her when it comes right down to it. The us part is where you play the supportive role, nothing more and nothing less. When I was going through my initial treatment, double mastectomy, chemo, reconstruction, to many Dr appts to count and my husband had responded the way you have (wanting to take a more active role..us) I would have reacted the way your wife has.
Her fear is real and making decisions like this under pressure only adds to the distress she feels. You sound very caring but it is time to hold her hand and say “I support your decisions because they are yours to make and whether you tell me everything you are thinking or not I am here for you”. There is a fine line between her and us. Take a step back and give her unconditional support. And one last thing.. she
does not have to log on to this site because you want her to. Give her and yourself some grace to walk beside each other not in front of or behind one another.

REPLY
colely | @colely | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @gpigford "This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling..." + (show)
@gpigford

This is going to be long and I’m sorry for that but right now I’m spiraling down and don’t know where else to turn.

A couple months ago my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. Things got crazy busy fast. Many doctors appointments and tests in a very short amount of time. I jumped in with both feet. She wasn’t going to them alone. I went to ever one of them. I was going to be the best husband and supporter she could ask for. We were going to do this together and I was fully committed.

Last Tuesday was the last appointment before meeting with the main surgeon. We had a mountain of information in binders. I wrongfully thought that this meeting was to go over all this information and ask final questions. Get our facts straight and our options laid out. We would go home and lay it all out on the dining room table. We would Discuss/Cry/argue/hug through everything we learned. Lay out the pro’s and con’s of the different options between mastectomy (double v. Single) and lumpectomy, plastic’s v. flat, etc, etc. I was grossly wrong. During that final doctors appointment my wife informed the doctor that we are going with a double mastectomy with plastic’s nipple persevering.

I found out the same time the doctor did. She didn’t even give me advance notice. I was crushed. I went con tonic. I just sat there without even being able to talk. I was numb. I felt so betrayed. We did this whole journey together and in the last moments she just cut me out because she knew I was favoring lumpectomy. She wanted to ovoid opposition so she just cut me out.

Now I know she is the star of this show. I know the ultimate decision was hers to make. I love her and would have supported her in whatever she chosen. But we were both in this together and she just took my voice away. I now will never get to find closer in this tour of information gathering. I was silenced and tossed aside because things may become hard and she dint want to deal with that.

It is eating me up inside trying to process what happened. I was spiraling out of control so that Thursday I called out of work and asked her to call out too. I thought we could spend the day together at the beach. Enjoy the day doing breakfast and lunch together. No cancer or diet talk (I’m over weight). Just us take a small mental break. She said no. I was crushed again. In shock really.

Well, instead of a day away from cancer, I spent the whole day obsessing about it, alone. I was sinking fast. That day was the darkest day of my life. I have never felt so alone and isolated like that. And while I know she did not intend to hurt me, she did like never before. We have been married 30 years and I felt so betrayed, I cried so much and couldn’t stop. My mind raced in a 100 directions. I work in the medical field and though rare, I know mistakes happen. I wanted a second opinion on the results. I wanted a repeat MRI. I wanted to know what would be the treatment plan if the cancer returned in future. I wanted her to see someone to make sure she wasn’t making a knee-jerk decision. I know the results were going to come back the same. I knew my request were not going to change this, but it gave me a some feeling of hope back in a time when I had none. I was reaching for something, any small light was better than what I had that day.

I was shocked, Nancy said no to them all. She was so cold about it. Yelled that it was unnecessary and would not change anything. It would not delay any timelines. The wheels were already in motion to get surgery scheduled. It would cost very little in the big picture. But it would have helped me come to terms with what was happening. In the lowest, darkest moment of my life, My wife just abandoned me to the darkness. After weeks of supporting her, holding her hand, I needed her to help me, hold my hand, support me. And instead she just abandoned me.

Now I know she loves me and had no ill intention. I don’t question that at all. I know she is in a much bigger whirl wind than I am. The emotions that she is feeling are much deeper and extreme than what I am going through. I know all of this. I know I should cut her a break and just let it go. I want to, I’m just having a hard time suppressing the feelings from surfacing. It is killing me because she can see it and then she feels bad. I’m not trying to add to what she already has to deal with. So than she resists talking to me about her anxiety’s to avoid adding to my baggage. Funny when you think about it, this all started because she didn’t talk to me.

The last thing I wish to say to all the sick people out there. Your caregiver/support team/family are here for you. We know you are the star. We know you carry the greatest burden of us all. But we matter too. Fear, anxiety, worry is not exclusive to you. We are impacted too. Support is not a one way street, it is a living breathing creature. No one wants to be here. No one wants you to go through more than you have to. Show them that you appreciate what they are going through as well.

Again, sorry so long.

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You didn't mention the post surgery diagnosis. You did state that you want the best for your wife. A double masectomy is THE most preventative surgery she could have!!!! And with nipple preservation, a good plastic surgery outcome!!! Move forward with love and empathy.

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colely | @colely | Jan 27, 2023
In reply to @colely "You didn't mention the post surgery diagnosis. You did state that you want the best for..." + (show)
@colely

You didn't mention the post surgery diagnosis. You did state that you want the best for your wife. A double masectomy is THE most preventative surgery she could have!!!! And with nipple preservation, a good plastic surgery outcome!!! Move forward with love and empathy.

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I meant Pre Surgery Diagnosis.

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