My journey as a husband supporting my wife’s mastectomy decision

I think I am going to express a minority opinion here. I was widowed when I was 41--my husband 36, our daughter 6. He made all the decisions about his care and I respected that he was the patient. However, he made numerous poor decisions, including ones that left me with large medical debt and no insurance (long story). Now I have breast cancer. Yes, I'm the patient but I won't do this alone. I've been remarried for 25 years. I really consult with my husband, and I also have a committee with my daughter and my bf. The decisions are made as a team, although no one can "make" me do something. Sex, intimacy, money, life and death are not the concern of one person. They are the concern of the couple, and often the family. Frankly I found caretaking much more difficult than being sick. In many spiritual, concrete, and emotional ways partners must function as one. Couples counseling is really helping in navigating disagreements. But I would never--never--leave my husband in theshape I was left in when widowed.

First, Thank you very much for your input it is helpful. I am on here because she is not talking to me. I was never looking for people to take my side though everyone here seems to think so. I have no side. I was NOT trying to talk her out of her decision but wanting her to make it with all the data and time to process it. I will without a doubt support what ever path she chooses. I asked her to merry me 30 years ago and have never second guessed it. I just want to protect her from all of this and I can’t and that hurts so much. The blow up I mentioned was not me to her, but her blowing up onto me. I understand that she is scared and I’m a easy, close target. She didn’t even tell me in advance. I found out her choice when the surgeon was told. That was crushing. Well that’s was a long answer of why I’m here and not her.

Oh and yes today is better. We stay in a local hotel and watched the sun come up this morning.

Yes and yes. I would want her viewing every angle she could that I may miss. Thinking of thing I did not. She would be my most trusted partner and the one who helps me the most.

@gpigpigford

Lump vs mastectomy. Stuck between her choice and what I feel is best

I'm going to try to say this kindly. . . . You are finding yourself "stuck" because you placed yourself there, in between your wife's decision. You can get "unstuck" by removing yourself from the decision, and offering your thoughts when and if she asks you for them. I hope this is helpful, but it is as honest and forthright as I can be.

A dear friend of mine lost her breast cancer battle today. . .and one thing she said to me (after I was diagnosed with breast cancer), was that she wished she had made the choice for a mastectomy instead of lumpectomy. Her breast cancer metastasized, and she battled against it for four years until today.

Every woman understands the weight of the choice she must make. She understands the loss of sensation of the breast. She understands her own sexual pleasure. These are things you do not have to go-to-bat with for her. She understands. It's her body. She has those sensations. She knows the gravity of the choice she has to make. Please, let her make it.

I had the choice of a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. I chose the double mastectomy, and have not looked back. I am able to sleep at night because I no longer have the ducts in my body. Though I endured chemotherapy, I spared myself the radiation, and I no longer need mammograms. It was the right decision for me. It may or may not be for your wife. But the point being, is that she needs to make that decision.

Sexual stimulation and pleasure are part of the human experience. But it is not the only thing that defines love; in fact, it is very little in the whole of loving someone. Love your wife, sir. Share your thoughts, but love her enough to support her decision. And love her (and her body) when the decision is made. Your wife is more than breasts and nipples.

I hope my very open and raw response in some way helps you. There is more at stake her than just her physical body. She will travel through much . . .through physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges. You can help her greatly by walking alongside and loving her fully.

At thirty years old, I watched my sister die from breast cancer. After annual mammograms, (I was considered high risk) I was considering a proffalatic mastectomy. That was put off because life got in the way. Nine years later I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Given that I had wanted a double mastectomy nine years earlier, a double mastectomy was my choice.
I didn't want to risk having a lumpectomy in case I ended up with breast cancer again in the other breast and maybe a more aggressive cancer. My pathology report after my bi-lateral mastectomy showed that my cancer free breast had prolific dysplasia, so I feel now that I made the right decision. Five years on, I have not regretted my decision.

Having walked this path alone I agree 100%. Very well said.

@gpigford i would like to give you another perspective entirely. This is my personal history, and my husband and I discussed this just last night when he said I wish the doctor and I had listened to you more.
I wanted a mastectomy 18 years ago, and the doctor said you have a garden variety cancer and we don’t do that. My husband quite relieved at this said you can always go back later. I agreed.
My family history with cancer is a brutal and long one, but at the time they said if it didn’t come from your mothers side and it wasn’t BRCA 1 or 2 then it wasn’t genetic.
I made the best decision I could with the information available to me at the time. With the input of my husband and remaining family, I accepted the lumpectomy and prayed it would be enough.
Do I resent the doctor who gave me the best information he had at the time, no. Do I resent my husband or the now deceased family that cried with me at the time, no. Do I wish I had pushed for what I wanted, yes.
It was not enough, I took the hard treatments and spend a year exhausted and sick. Then I had the oopherectomy that left me with atrophy and barren in my 30’s. Then I took the hormone therapy for years. When it came back I was still refused a mastectomy, this time because once it has spread, a mastectomy wouldn’t stop it.
5 years after I was diagnosed, my husband was diagnosed with multiple myeloma that had eaten holes in all of his bones. Our sex life ended with his first bone marrow transplant 4 months later. He is still the love of my life, and I cannot imagine all these years without him.
Try to remember this isn’t the end of your journey, who knows what is around the next bend. If you love each other, you will endure this and more. It won’t always be easy, but it will be worth it.
I am glad you guys got away and are talking again. Have either of you thought about a 2nd opinion? Maybe a large cancer center? 3.5cm is actually a larger tumor for stage 1, has anyone explained the staging of this?

Currently I am diagnosed and taking a slow ride to treatment and, looking at all my options. I understand your point completely. Perhaps, you see her as making a choice that is illogical and permanent. However I was totally onboard with lumpectomy and radiation. Then I realized radiation can hurt me and not just a little. Then I saw double mastectomy that uses your own skin and saves your nipples. Suddenly I realized not only could I avoid radiation I could have cosmetically gorgeous breasts. Bonus 30-60% of patients regain feeling in their nipples. There is a fairly strict set of criteria for this surgery but perhaps your wife would fit that. I see the plastic surgeon the end of February to discuss this surgery, and while it seems crazy aggressive you realize...surgery a month of recovery and bang your done, and you can put it all behind you, somehow that seems pretty darn attractive to me at least. And also surgery as being curative seems like a much healthier choice.

Please wait until your appointment with your surgeon to decide which treatment is best for you. Request that he/she show photos of the surgery you have in mind

This is not an easy surgery. For Deip flap, you will have scarring where they collect the fat to transfer to your breast.

You will not wind up with “cosmetically gorgeous breasts.” Please do your research. It’s a very painful surgery with months, sometimes years of recovery ♥️

I’m “walking this path alone” too. I am afraid of making the wrong decision.