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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hi Teresa, Joy passed away last Monday night. Son Randy took her to her folks home and stayed there with her, till the time came. I don't know if there is a service or not. I just know I'm really very tired. I woke up at 4am this morning . My grandson sot married this morning and they are having a party tomorrow afternoon. Some one will pick me up and drive me to the party, about 60 miles. Not only the grieving part, but some how I've lost my medical cards and medicare card. Don't know where. That is all I need at this time. I'll get better I know, but right now It's really tired out! Thanks for checking on me. I'll get back soon. shortshot nancy)
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1 ReactionHello @shortshot Nancy,
I am so sorry to hear of Joy's passing. I know that she had been very ill, but it still is difficult to come to grips with, isn't it? I hope that your family will have comfort as they go through another loss.
I feel sure that everything you lost will show up again. There is something about the grief process that causes a lot of confusion.
I will continue to pray for you and your family. Take heart, there are others who care about you.
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1 ReactionHello, @shortshot - please let me express my sympathies to you on the loss of your your daughter-in-law, Joy. I'm very sorry to hear.
That is a lot going on with her passing and also the wedding of your grandson. A span of emotions, too, I'm sure.
Will you have a chance to rest and have some quiet reflection time after the wedding party?
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2 ReactionsPrayers..
@reibur1951 It sounds as if this has been a difficult time for you, I appreciate your checking in. You have done an admirable job with your friend's last wishes and helping his son.
I do hope that soon you will be able to take a break and relax just a bit. Please feel free to share whenever you can. Sometimes just posting the words can be helpful.
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2 ReactionsThank you I am trying to fulfill them - down to the crematory house monument and hoping all the paper work will be settled within a few weeks. That will be the biggest hurdle past as getting out of here before bad weather hits is biggest concern I do not think I can do the wood stove routine this winter 24/7 and it not being warm in here... there is enough holes/cracks to choke a horse... windows are rotting out, floors were the glued sawdust crap and are deiscenigrating or descenigrated and loos plywood thre on top of areas - kitchen was only room got re-done down to the beams 2 years ago and lived over a year with out cabinets and a kitchen sink and all those only bottoms are second had make shift (that's when the friend got diagnosed with not making blood and he came first; other problems too and tore bathroom up in July/Aug of 2017 and its still the same there is a big hole under the bath tub were the glued sawdust flooring has just rotted away of course plans were to have it completed within 2 months but the semi diagnosis of son hit - he had been coughing and I forced an x-ray in late Sept followed by a CT-scan and drs. office called back with saying thoracic surgeon and biopsy and I said IU Medical center since we had such hassle with his fathers hematologist and its the only major hematologist/oncology practice in the area offices in 5 6 cities/towns where hospitals are and I wanted better communication etc. than had IU Medical SImon Cancer Center is the greatest I just wish could of gotten friend (his father) down into the hematology department sooner it was in the process when I drove him down to Methodist ER the one hematologist was planing to do another bone marrow biopsy to do their own assessing but was in process of being scheduled day he died 🙁 Only regret I think the second opinion we had should of been there instead of where it was because it was within "the circled area" of the hematology/oncology group practice. Hind-site again was better then fore-site... Lessons learned the hard way
Been doing just as "free boxes" come around I may end up having to buy packing boxes or either wait till moving starts empty out what I have packed and come back here re-pack but hoping i don't have to do that routine as I want time to go through sort again. I means getting furniture as have bare minimum here since it is a mobile home At least its done and won't be all at last minute... o nly leaving the china closet and closet and some other things for that. And of course there is the every 3 week immunology next trip to Indy is Sept 5th next ct probably in mid late October but look for it to be sooner could be wrong have been having every month maybe a little over...
Just have to have faith in God that he will provide and keep all things going in the right direction.... main thing is a decent place to live and have to provide home care when that time comes if it does....
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2 Reactions@reibur1951 I do hope that you are able to secure more a habitable living situation soon. Any thoughts right now as to what might be available? Am I understanding that your friend's son lives with you now?
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1 ReactionHi there, it’s been several months since my last response. It will soon be a year since my sister passed. I still miss her laugh, wisdom and her love. She was one of a kind. Her sense of humor and her pranks. To many stories to tell. As i go through my grief I find that my coping skills are improving. I’m laughing, living, eating and loving. I’m so thankful that I’ve had my family and good therapists to help me pick through all the jumbled mess in my head and realize that I can get through her loss. Your stories and your comments helped so very much. I appreciate all of you. I know that with time, we will get through this loss. Thanks
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4 ReactionsHi @sunnymygirl Nice to hear you are managing OK these days! I know 'anniversaries' can be hard times so keep in mind Connect is always here!
Hoping all continues to go as well as it can for you!
Strength, courage, and peace!
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2 ReactionsYes there a two up just up the road a few miles... both nice and closer to town, quicker ambulance service if needed, all on or near the main highway #1 is on the corner of 2 major high ways is s one story brick with basement and 5 acres which is wooded for now but also in the near middle of an annexation to the nearby town and further away from here #2 is on the corner of major highway and a country road, is on less than 2 acres, has lots o f windows and has wind generator assisted electric my friend like the later #2; #1 believe it or not is more than #2 plans before he died was to get #2 is was still available when all the paper work came through to transfer properties to my name and then sell one piece that will cover almost all of the wanted of either 2 was plan for all of us to be together this
winter friend & me and his son to lessen households, care, travel etc. The unoccupied piece of farm land already has a pending buyer they would of bought it in June when friend was at IU Methodist - they called the other night and I told them I had the decision just the final paler work making it fully legal was to be filed the buyer has jumped the gun so to speak and having it appraised and getting a loan on board between hem and his brothers they own most of the land around it and have cashed farmed it since the 1970' maybe earlier between them & their father. So all is just how fast the wheels of legal procedures grind now... they at least did not stretch out till October or November as I had envisioned by what has happened it should only be a matter of weeks... One reason been cleaning packing and if the 2 pieces are still available especially #2 I think # will be more beneficial as it would be set up for generator power if not I will have it down so we won't be out of electric etc during power failures which have been famous during the last few years in that area. So far we have been very lucky out here that last few years they only have flickered off and on enough to screw-up all the computerized appliances/Tv/satellite but before we have been out for hours and up to 3 days before REMC got around and being on the end of the line does not help
I check the sign every time I drive by to see if... so far no one has nibbled that I know of so keeping fingers, toes and what ever else crossed both will be available when the paper work lands... I will use same bank/banker as the buyer as they can flip all properties over for the cash & the other 2 properties up as collateral for the unpaid portion as need part of money to finish up friends wishes... the saying is "the best laid plans of mice and men" but can go haywire and spring a leak along the way... i am to much of a black/white person its got to be on paper and there....
Why been boxing up as if all fails I am still out of here so can carry out plans some how... God will take care of it just maybe not way I have planed and I will just have to accept that and draw up another plan when this one fails....
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