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Sister still drinking despite consequences, any advice?

Posted by craigcraig @craigcraig, Jun 28 5:58am

Hi. I had a liver transplant and am not a drinker. Never really was much of one except for college. My sister is 61 and recently divorced with two adult kids. Her drinking was the biggest factor in her divorce. She finally hit bottom in her family's eyes with a DUI and was too drunk to show up for her court date. Only a very good lawyer has kept her out of jail. She has also got drunk and fallen 3 times and has had 2 brain surgeries. Somehow minor enough to be shortly released. She somehow still lives to drink (in our eyes and behind everyone's back). Has had terrible fights and has cut off most of her sons, friends brothers, mom, etc. . Admits now she has a problem but still lies whenever her mouth opens and refuses inpatient or outpatient treatment. And continues to believe she can drink and "just cut down" despite 3 serious falls, two accidents , two brain surgeries, excetera in the last 6 months. My wife, brother , nephews, friends and I have strongly counseled her to get help before she kills herself or someone else. But she defies logic and insists she can live without treatment/help and has either broken off relations with or barely puts up with her circle of people. I know it has to be her decision and I (we) can't do it for her but any suggestions from you guys who have more experience in this topic than I do. Than you.

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willow5 | @willow5 | 1 day ago

Al-Anon. Meetings worldwide in person and Zoom. I can change no one. I can learn to get the focus off others and focus on myself. Check out six meetings, then decide if it is for you. Al-Anon is for us. Can’t make the alcoholic stop - period. I got my life back when I quit trying to change others, as heartbreaking as it is, I can’t fix anyone.

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kb2014a | @kb2014a | 1 day ago

My first deceased husband had online porn addiction..i was the good little codependent trying to save fix rescue. The reality. I held hus hand through his last breath. His issue contributed to him being so distracted he could not focus on his health. I got critically ill in may 2014 2 years after his death. Cardiopulmonary arrest. 6 months before his death he said I want to live to walk the green grass again. I did. I wish I could be more positive about your family member. Sometimes consewuences are the best teacher. Yes I have had trauma recovery a lot of therapy lots of medical care. I got a chance and still do to work hard on me change me. Take care of you first and foremost.

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2 replies
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kb2014a | @kb2014a | 1 day ago
In reply to @kb2014a "My first deceased husband had online porn addiction..i was the good little codependent trying to save..." + (show)
Profile picture for kb2014a @kb2014a

My first deceased husband had online porn addiction..i was the good little codependent trying to save fix rescue. The reality. I held hus hand through his last breath. His issue contributed to him being so distracted he could not focus on his health. I got critically ill in may 2014 2 years after his death. Cardiopulmonary arrest. 6 months before his death he said I want to live to walk the green grass again. I did. I wish I could be more positive about your family member. Sometimes consewuences are the best teacher. Yes I have had trauma recovery a lot of therapy lots of medical care. I got a chance and still do to work hard on me change me. Take care of you first and foremost.

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@kb2014a and God bless you.

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sisyphus | @sisyphus | 16 hours ago

Reading all the comments (Just to be sure someone had already said it) since you are no longer even able to talk to her -- but those who she still at least 'listens to, such as your brother -- could one of those contact an addiction counselor and and ask how to go about it; after all it's not the first time someone has behaved this way.

Addiction to, or over-consumption of pretty much any thing or behavior stems from a void in one's life where you feel constantly that something is not right with my life. So it could lead to over-shopping, -gambling, -smoking, -dosing on opioids (yes there's a book by a an author in Columbia Univ (maybe no longer there) who had the title, Drug Use for Adults. (yes caffeine and nicotine are what one can get addicted to) I mention it so that we understand it's the OVER-doing of these that wrecks our lives.

Millions use alcohol but very small number gets addicted. And same is true of others in the list above. The reason we get into the 'OVER'-consumption is I believe to fulfill a genuine need that is unfulfilled such as close friends, or feeling LESS than people around, or some deep shame, or anger, or fear....

So what I was hoping for you that either you or someone equally well aware of the dire situation you are in could consult with an addiction psychologist. Maybe you get recommended a book, movie, u-tube, that can shine on the underlying issue she is trying to grapple with with her over-use of alcohol.

We all want the best life we can have, but it can't be e.g. having most power, money, beauty, charm.... What is a GOOD life is an ancient question. What seems close to a consensus is having our basic needs (food, shelter, security) met but also our need to know and explore. We call it nurturing our curiosity. Another is our need to do what we believe will truly satisfy our authentic self, And need for PLAY, and wonder. As children we all exhibit these.So some excel in science, others arts, or politics....

I am hoping that one-of-you will be able to show her that a lot more enriching life awaits her. So it will take some effort to go from psychologist to a well-wisher who will be patient with her and listen to what is DEEP inside troubling her that has morphed into this facade of alcohol addiction.

Your pain is palpable, as is your determination; it'd be good to know your next steps.

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heyjoe415 | @heyjoe415 | 8 hours ago
In reply to @gwydionmh "@craigcraig Since your sister is that reckless and defiant about driving drunk, I would do whatever..." + (show)
Profile picture for gwydionmh @gwydionmh

@craigcraig Since your sister is that reckless and defiant about driving drunk, I would do whatever it takes to make sure she can't drive. That would be my top priority. In Minnesota it is possible to submit a formal request to DVS for examination of an at-risk driver. It would require her to be evaluated by a certain date, otherwise her license is cancelled. I would also call 911 to report a suspected drunk driver *any time* you know she is driving. Get the police all up in her business. And if I knew the specific circumstances of the sitaution, I could come up with more ideas. The bottom line is, I would not accept "there's nothing we could do". Personally I would not be able to live with myself if she ended up hurting or killing someone while drunk driving, knowing that this is a tragedy waiting to happen.

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Minnesota shows its leadership on minimizing drunk driving and saving lives.

I've been in AA 16 plus years now, and have seen and heard the many tragedies caused by drunk driving. If an individual isn't ready to stop drinking, then at least, get them off the roads.

Joe

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heyjoe415 | @heyjoe415 | 8 hours ago
In reply to @kb2014a "My first deceased husband had online porn addiction..i was the good little codependent trying to save..." + (show)
Profile picture for kb2014a @kb2014a

My first deceased husband had online porn addiction..i was the good little codependent trying to save fix rescue. The reality. I held hus hand through his last breath. His issue contributed to him being so distracted he could not focus on his health. I got critically ill in may 2014 2 years after his death. Cardiopulmonary arrest. 6 months before his death he said I want to live to walk the green grass again. I did. I wish I could be more positive about your family member. Sometimes consewuences are the best teacher. Yes I have had trauma recovery a lot of therapy lots of medical care. I got a chance and still do to work hard on me change me. Take care of you first and foremost.

Jump to this post

Addicts aren't limited to alcohol and other drugs. Sex, gambling, and porn can be just as damaging to a family and to an employer.

An addict is an addict. I should know, I've been sober for 16 plus years from alcohol and opiates. I have to be careful that other bad behavior doesn't become a problem.

Thank you for sharing the painful, frustrating position you were in. Co-dependency is another quiet addiction, and like other addictions, there are places where you can get help.

And good for you for realizing that the only person you can change is you, and good for you for doing just that. Well done.

Joe

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1 reply
Profile picture for kb2014a
kb2014a | @kb2014a | 3 hours ago
In reply to @heyjoe415 "Addicts aren't limited to alcohol and other drugs. Sex, gambling, and porn can be just as..." + (show)
Profile picture for heyjoe415 @heyjoe415

Addicts aren't limited to alcohol and other drugs. Sex, gambling, and porn can be just as damaging to a family and to an employer.

An addict is an addict. I should know, I've been sober for 16 plus years from alcohol and opiates. I have to be careful that other bad behavior doesn't become a problem.

Thank you for sharing the painful, frustrating position you were in. Co-dependency is another quiet addiction, and like other addictions, there are places where you can get help.

And good for you for realizing that the only person you can change is you, and good for you for doing just that. Well done.

Joe

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@heyjoe415 yes you are right. Addiction is addiction is addiction..it is so important to ne aware of risky situations behaviors stress being overwhelmed unrealistic expectations etc..long time use of prescribed benzodiaapines till successful taper off under medical supervision in 2017. Learning to manage thr nervous systrm responses not acting or reacting but pause stop. Thr word no. Healed brains from addiction always at risk..

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