Resisting hired caregiver in the home

Good morning, @gratia I ran into the same issue with my wife. I know everyone’s journey and patient are different, but the following worked for me.

I found someone who agreed they’d play along. I told my wife the household chores were more than I could get done so i needed someone to come in to help me with the house 2 hours a week. My wife agreed since it was the house and not her needing care. Within just a couple visits my help was sitting with my wife, asking what she needed, chatting, etc.

They morphed into a caregiver without my wife realizing it and she didn’t get upset about it.

Just an idea that worked for us.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

@IndianaScott Great way to handle the situation Scott. Thank you for sharing! I get so many good and helpful suggestions at Connect!

@IndianaScott Thank you Scott, I’m really stressed over another family crisis and I absolutely need a break to clear my head. I will try your suggestion- I’m having a person come today just for an hour - “a friend of mine” for a visit. Cross fingers.
Thank you so much🤗

I soon will bring in a caregiver for a few hours a week for respite. I am going to tell him it's for physical therapy. I have arranged with the service for the caregiver to give him some exercises and even take him to the workout room in our apartments. Our PCP went along with suggesting he needs physical therapy. I'm hoping he adjusts quickly, time will tell.

I sincerely hope this works for you. I think that’s a good plan.

Yesterday I had a caregiver here - ‘meet & greet’. She stayed an hour and it seemed to go well. I told mother she’s a friend of a friend.

After she left, I told my mother that I just need some help cleaning, and someone to be there if I need to go to store, etc.

My mother got belligerent, saying she stays at the house alone and she is fine (she’s never alone and needs help with ADLs). I was so exhausted (cumulative), I broke out in tears of frustration. I’ve literally lost so much to care for her and the fact that she doesn’t get it, drives me crazy.

I know it’s the dementia- the agnosognosia- but it doesn’t make it easier. I start to dislike her and think she’s a ‘selfish jerk’ - but I know it’s the disease.

It’s just so difficult.

I wish you strength and comfort and joy. ❤️🤗

Hello there. I hear you about absolutely needing the break and I’m sure YOU DO! Don’t feel guilty for taking good care of you— it’s the only way you can take care of her. When I started needing breaks from my husband, I considered what he liked to do and he tends to like to do artsy things. In his life, he was always working long hours and didn’t have the time to try art things and once retired, he started really blossoming — took a pottery class for a couple years at local college, etc. Unfortunately , he was diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s and has declined rapidly. So what worked for me with my husband was I interviewed and found a caregiver that was artistic and now I have his “ art friend” over to do art with him. I call it his art class. He loves to sit with her and they do all kinds of art projects together for 2-3 hours. He looks forward to his art classes and I have never once called her “ his caregiver”, bc I knew I would get pushback. Perhaps if your mother liked knitting or sewing or some other craft, you could find her a buddy to do that with her. Just a thought. Best to you on this very hard journey.

@ljchr great idea, I’ve been trying to figure out a way because my husband refuses saying I don’t need a babysitter, however I definitely think this might work

All of these suggestions are excellent, but at the end of each day, you are exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. You need, deserve and must find a way to take a break. We were lucky in that we found a former veteran that was close to my husband's age and they really connected. It was 2 hours three days a week. As the LBD progressed, the veteran was not able to care for him in the way he (we) needed and we progressed to now - full time (24/7) and we have a beautiful team. I still stay home a lot and losing all of our "just the two of us" time has been hard - but without priceless, excellent help, I don't think my health would have held out. Go ahead and try these ideas, but if they don't work, hire someone - anyone. That few hours is just like a prescription- you have no choice but to make them happen....and plan something that you really want to do - even if it is just a walk, a nap, etc! Hugs and may God bless you with the perfect person.

@akela09
We can both give it a test. I know we both need respite!!
Good Luck

I cared for my mother when she was diagnosed with dementia. She lived with my husband and I about 2 1/2 years. It was a painful and eye-opening experience. Here is what I learned:
Introducing using a care facility before she needed full-time placement was a godsend. I found that there was often an empty room at most facilities and many were willing to take patients for short stay if they have rooms available. Fortunately, my mom wasn’t terribly belligerent and seemed to grasp that I would be back in a few days. So that was the introduction. Her dementia progressed had her placed in a nearby facility, which was good in terms of easy access, but as her dementia worsened, she needed a higher level of care so another move was warranted.

In hindsight, if I had it to do over again, I would have started her at a facility that had multiple levels of care. I still think the occasional drop in to the facility when a room is available for a short stay was a good way to introduce care for my mom. The cost of her care was quite high unfortunately she had adequate savings to cover everything. My brother handled her finances and I handled her day-to-day caregiving and placements. If I had to do it all it would’ve been amazingly difficult. What I learned was that a gradual entrance to care facilities work well for my mom. All of the facilities as long as they had open rooms were willing to do short stay. We never had an issue with any of them and I do believe the periodic stays help pave the way for her ultimate placement.