4 decades on meth can I really stop using is there hope?

I went through decades of drug and alcohol use. Im 65. Tweaking and drinking cost me my teeth, jobs, relationships, you name it, I lost it. After trying 12 step programs, asking God, etc, I found the only thing I could use was me. I became the program. In 2020 I found myself in a wheelchair. Both lumbar and cervical vertebrae took a permanent vacation on me. I was drinking a fifth of vodka a day. I hid in my closet and cried for help from a god that never came. I realized if I was going to get out of that wheelchair, I had to stop drinking and all the drugs the doctors prescribed. Then I remembered how I quit meth and cigarettes. Not at the same time mind you. First was meth in 1996. I was in an alcohol and drug resident treatment facility. It was a 6 month commitment I took to gain custody of my son. Well, they wanted me to admit I was powerless over drugs and alcohol. I wouldn't do that. Then they wanted me to find a higher power. Im atheist. Noway Jose. I was telling a counselor I dont believe in God. He said to me, and here it was, he said "If you believe that door nob" he pointed at a door nob next to me, and continued, "If you believe that door nob to be your higher power, then it can be. But you have to believe " Then it hit me. Its what Id been saying all along. There was no power from a god. There was power from belief. Belief in yourself. I made the love I had for my son my higher power. I faked the 12 step program until I graduated from the facility. I got custody of my son shortly after. Fast forward to me in the closet crying 2.5 decades later. I found what is known in just a few circles "internal locus of control" I had lost mine due to the consumption of alcohol. It was Then I remembered how I quit cigarettes 20 years earlier by using the same control I used with meth. Locus of control is the concept referring to how much you believe you have control over the outcome of events in your life. With internal locus of control I believe I am the master of my destiny. Here's an example, a person with external locus will say " I am sober because of AA." A person with internal will say "I am sober because of the person I have become with the help of AA" The things you say to yourself the most often, you will come to believe. Begin telling yourself now, that you can do it. Tell yourself every morning and every hour if need be. The definition of Human Agency is "the capacity of individuals to act independently, make their own choices, and exert control over their own lives and environment" Many people in recovery have never even heard the term individual agency. If they dont know they have it, how can they strengthen it? How we strengthen our own Agency is through small feats of accomplishment. Start small and do little things. Finish small tasks then move on to bigger ones. The more successes you have the greater you strengthen you own Agency. And when we strengthen our Agency and accredit ourselves, not God, ourselves we strengthen our internal locus of control. This is my recipe for attaining a strong internal locus of control. I was once a hopeless alcoholic in a wheelchair. Today Im clean and sober. In October I walked 17 miles unassisted in one day. I walk 12 to 20 thousand steps a day. Right now Im in the process of donating a kidney through Scripps Green Hospital to my sons aunt who took care of my son for 1 year while I got custody of him in 1997. You can do this. I did it. I know you can to. Life is an exciting adventure. Motion is medicine. When you feel down. Go for a walk. I have faith in you. You got this my friend!!

The fact that you have been one month is huge deal. All we have is today. I will say that NA meetings will help because there are people that can understand what you are dealing with. I know that when I have any thought of going back to the life of alcohol and drugs, all I have to do is stop and think about the inevitable outcome and for me, it is always worse, never better. It has never, ever gotten better. I was miserable, on that chaotic, full time job, merry go round of finding the next fix. It is no way to live as you know. Try to remember that all you have to do is not pick up today and remind that part of yourself that if you do, you will be miserable again. I know that our minds can try and trick us into saying to ourselves..."this time or just this once..." It, for me, has never gone that way. Once and I am off the the shitty race. You can do this today. If you haven't, maybe try NA or AA. It is wonderful to sit in a room or virtually with people who absolutely understand. Hang in there.

I am 55 years old and have battled this dis-ease since the age of 14. I have over 8 years clean. If I can do it anyone can and you have so much support on here. I have also received so much support from several of the folks that replied here. So grateful for you and everyone else on here.

AJ,

I know you posted this in 2023 but I just saw it. I've been sober from alcohol and drugs for 16 plus years. I did NOT use meth and so don't know what you are going through. But I have friends who successfully recovered from meth addiction.

You know this but I'll restate it - recovery will not be easy. What you have in your favor is a desire to quit, that's the most important thing AJ! Find a recovery group, even AA, and make friends who have been where you are and will help you, and find a sponsor - it is very helpful to have one.

I hope you are ok. From one addict to another - sobriety isn't easy but is well worth the short term pain of withdrawal. Please stay strong.

Joe

Well said Shampoo and very encouraging. I hope this finds you well.

Joe

Well done Trooper. This is a good example of doing whatever it takes once you wake to the fact that you need help.

I've been sober for 16 plus years now. I could not sign on with the religious aspects of AA, so I just ignored those parts, or made substitutions. When working with sponsees who like my approach, we only work on AA's steps 1, 4, 5, 8, 9, and 12. I do encourage meditation, step 11, but it doesn't have to only be about connecting with a superior being.higher power.

"Life is an exciting adventure". Very true!

Hope this finds you well.

Joe

Hi DD! Hope you are well!

Yes one of the best things about recovery is being around people who have faced the same hardships and pain, and share a common solution.

Even for otherwise shy or introverted people, the camaraderie found in recovery is life long and life changing.

Joe

@heyjoe415 Hey! I dropped out for a bit. Life is hard, but still keeping on...I hope you are well also!

@heyjoe415 thank you Joe. I couldn't get past step one. Admitting to be powerless was contrary to MY recovery. We all have our own journey and each journey has its own path. I was in a class with a sponsor who had just came back from a relapse. I asked him why he relapsed and his answer was he wasnt doing his program. I replied that I wasnt doing his program either but I didn't relapse. Learned helplessness comes when people depend on an external locus of control. Like religion, they have what's known as agency through proxy. I have a better definition of human agency than offered before. " The capacity of individuals to make their own choices, act independently, and influence their lives and the world, involving conscious decision making, goal setting and purposeful action even within social constraints. Its the feeling of being the author of your own story, using abilities of forethought and reflection. " This is how I got out of the wheelchair and got sober. Ive been sober 4.5 years using this with no need for meetings, sponsors or prayer. At the time I quit drinking I had been a fifth a day drinker for over a decade. I loved the burn of warm vodka. But I turned that love into a revulsion of poison. I convinced myself I could do it through changing my thoughts. No longer did I tell myself it was going to be hard. And it wasn't. It was easy. But only after many failed attempts was I able to find MY path. When people are told repeatedly by sponsors and the media that its difficult, they begin to tell themselves that. And as I said previously, what you tell yourself the most often, you come to believe. Therein lies the way to MY path. I cant make others believe in themselves. I can only show how I did it. As a certified Peer Support Specialist its frustrating working with people who refuse to see their own potential. But as such I can only respect the wishes of those I work with while sharing my success. I chose an internal locus of control over agency through proxy. Bruce Lee once compared Jeet Kune Do to a style with no style. Fighting without fighting. I chose to be the program, instead of joining a program. I wish you and your sponsees much luck. Motion is Medicine.

Absolutely brilliant words Trooper. Thank you. One of my favorite passages:

" The capacity of individuals to make their own choices, act independently, and influence their lives and the world, involving conscious decision making, goal setting and purposeful action even within social constraints. Its the feeling of being the author of your own story, using abilities of forethought and reflection. "

Did you write this? It's brilliant advice. And I agree that recovery is easy once we realize that we have to save our own lives - not count on a non-existent god, program, or people to do it for us.

I'm an atheist in that I don't believe there is any proof that any god exists. That doesn't rule anything out.

And for a long time I thought sobriety without the twelve steps and AA was next to impossible. First thought wrong, again. It does help to seek out support and to have people on your side. And they are out there and AA provides a good way to find them. But I find the "god steps" - 2, 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, and 12 to be not necessary. And while step 11 is very useful, communing with a god During meditation is not required.

But working all 12 steps with a sponsor is sufficient for sobriety, is is not necessary. There are other ways and we can be the authors of our own path to sobriety, with a little help from our friends.

All the best Trooper.

Joe