Selfharm

Hi everyone,
I know it’s been a little while but I thought I’d check in. The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I spent the past 2 weekends in the Mental Health Unit, the second time because I selfharmed and tried to overdose on my medication. I’m feeling exhausted.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard and for so long.... but I need someone to be there for me, to comfort me, to support me. I can’t do it on my own. But there is no one.

I’m scared. In my head I’m screaming for help but I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there is anything I can do. My family care about me but they aren’t capable of providing the comfort and support I need. I have a lot of “friends” (people from work, gym, TAFE etc) but no one I am close to. I’m desperately alone and desperately trying to keep my head above water while my hope is slowly fading.

I’m doing mindfulness, distracting myself, going to the gym, doing stuff I enjoy... but I feel like it’s all futile. I’m alone and adrift in the ocean of life.

I can call Lifeline but it’s not the same. I need a person HERE, someone I can see and feel and touch.

I can be kept safe while I’m hospitalised but it still doesn’t solve the underlying issue...

I’m alone.

@mia001 it's so important that you find a safe connection, that you find someone that you can turn to. I'm sorry that your family cannot be there for you in the way that you need them to be. Are you in a physically isolated town or Province where you cannot track down somebody who can be in your corner for you? Have you checked to make sure that one of the side effects of the medication you're on is not further depression? If so there should be something in place to try to help you get away from that side effect. I am concerned for your safety and hope that you will seriously consider getting some sort of inpatient treatment if necessary for longer than just a weekend. Please stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. We are here at the Cyber table and we all do care for your well-being and you.
Ginger

@mia001- Aww honey I'm so so sorry that you are still feeling this low. Being molested or raped can take so much away form our self worth. It can destroy any confidence that we have, scares us to death and keeps us looking over our shoulder. This a certain type of power. At some point though we have to realize that it doesn't define who we are. By that I mean it doesn't identify your essential qualities. Do you know what your essential qualities are? Can you name them? Are you a caring person, a kind person, loyal or fair person? You must look to yourself, at some point, to take care of these essential qualities because, when you get down to it, only you know what's important to you. Being sexually abused seems to be the core, from what you have shared so far in your story, of your pain. We self harm to make the pain inside go away, if only for a short period of time because simply, it hurts more. Are you in treatment for this? It took me a long time to get over my rape and I let it affect me too much.
I use to feel the need to have everyone take care of me, guide me in how to feel or act. I wanted so badly for the loneliness to go away that I would hook on to someone and by that I'd push them away. You have inner strength that you are denying yourself by thinking that you need someone to care for you. You don't. When we are raped someone takes away our power. We weren't given a choice about what happened. In order to get over this we have to take power over ourselves and to stop being dependent on others. This will give us our power back. It works but it takes a while and it's difficult. Don't give your power to anyone else, take care of them yourself.
Do you think that you can hook up with a good counselor for help? Have you ever been to therapy?

Some of us need others to fix things for us. This can place others in an uncomfortable place as no matter what they say or do it is never enough. This can oft drive others far from us.I have not ever been one to expect others to always be around to cuddle and care. To ask others to always be there to comfort is not at all realistic for me. Having others in my space being needy and clingy can be stressful.
We are all so different in what we expect from others.

Talked to the therapist today. Told her the depression is becoming overwhelming because of the pain becoming worse again and knowing there are no answers this time or treatment I can afford. We both know what antidepressants do to me. I need help with the physical pain which is interfering with my battle with depression. I see the pain specialist next Tuesday which is pointless. He likely will tell me to do my shoulder rolls and breathe. So dehumanizing. Maybe recent CT will make some kind of impression. Trudge, Trudge. Yes the self harming thoughts are present. At least the pain would be visible. The depression monster comes a lurk, lurking, lurking. We are stronger than the heavy tread. Can't go back to the old ways.

@parus What was the therapist able to offer to you? It seems she is sympathetic to your issues. Does she have any connections or colleagues to touch base with? Is there any medical school or teaching university within your locale that you can avail yourself of? Can you contact NAMI [Nat'l Alliance on Mental Illness] for local support groups or resources? I am worried for you.....
Ginger

@parus

What great insight you have provided for the "great fixer" mentality. You are right, there is no one who can fix us, the power is in our own hands and minds.

Your ideas about, "The depression monster comes a lurk, lurking, lurking. We are stronger than the heavy tread" is also a great descriptor of what it feels like to be overcome with depression. If you ever publish these thoughts it would make a good read for others.

I'm glad that you added, "Can't go back to the old ways." Every one of us needs new ways to cope.

@parus Parus, I am extremely worried about you. Yet, I feel I don’t know enough about your situation. I know this sounds simplistic, but can you schedule more visits with your grandson? He brings you such joy! You need more of that joy! I care!
Karen

@mia001- Good morning. I'm wondering how you have been feeling. Will you get back to me if you can?

@parus- Oh boy, and here you were so happy. I'm not sure that your psychiatrist is helping you. Do you? I'm really worried about you too. IIf things aren't working for you, which some don't seem to be doing, you need to speak up- "Enough with the shoulder rolls!" "I need something else!" Are you able to do this?