Selfharm

Posted by Ryman @ryman, Jun 30, 2017

I assume this is the right group. I have never discussed this with anyone but my grandson yells at me about it. When I get very stressed, I sometimes scratch my arms or face. I haven’t done any real harm. It is a way to relieve stress when it gets to be too much. I cannot tolerate anxiety or depression medicines which I assume would be a doctor’s answer. Does anyone else deal with this?

Liked by Parus

@mia001

@suscros68 I do use help lines when I get really scared. The problem is sometimes… I don’t want to. It’s like I rebel against my sensible self when I’m emotionally overwhelmed.

Just to clarify, the psychiatrist was a one-off appointment requested by my doctor as a review. I’m definitely not seeing that psychiatrist again though!

I do see a psychologist fortnightly whom I connect with really well. That’s been helping although I still feel awkward and tend to avoid talking about suicidal thoughts and or going into detail about selfharm.

Sometimes I find writing down my thoughts and then giving it to my psych helps me communicate… maybe I will write something before our session this week.

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We all have secret hurts and pains that really affect us if we don’t try to deal with them. I don’t deal with mine at all hardly and keep them pushed as far down as I can. I know it’s not healthy. I’d like to encourage you to keep journaling. It’s safe, it’s private and it’s a release! As a severe depression sufferer I understand your thoughts of harming yourself but it can be overcome. I think you’re definitely on the right path with your therapist and I’m very glad you have someone you can trust. We are here for each other in a safe and judgement free place. Feel free to share anything you want.

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@mia001

@lisalucier Thankyou for your reply and for moving my post.

I’m not sure. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m not dead is because I can’t think of a way to end my life painlessly and with 99% chance of success.

There have been times when I’m driving that I’ve pulled over because I was terrified I would deliberately crash. But even though the urge was there and strong, there was still a voice in my head saying “What if you survive? You can’t afford a new car. It would be so embarrassing. What if you ended up disabled?”

I definitely have thoughts of suicide and suicidal urges.

I definitely self harm.

But is it really a suicide attempt when I self harm and it hurts too much for me too cut deeper? When I know the chances are I won’t be able to do it? When part of me is hoping someone will find me? When I’m screaming in my head for some kind of escape from this pain?

This question has been bothering me for a while. Then today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my doctor referred me to, for review. I didn’t like the psych as he was quite abrupt and I felt was rude. He said that what I did was not a suicide attempt and I should not use the word suicide. That if I’d really wanted to commit suicide I would have cut my throat or jumped off a bridge.

His instant reaction and reply shocked me, and to be honest, made me feel guilty, humiliated and ashamed.

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@mia001 hi Mia, I read your posts and was so moved by your pain. I have no experience with self harm (well maybe I do- overeating) but I have been in mental pain with suicidal depression. Please don’t crash your car! You are too valuable! I am struggling to write this and make sure I say the right things. The bottom line is that we care and don’t want you to self harm. Please find another psychiatrist!…..Karen

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@mia001

@suscros68 I do use help lines when I get really scared. The problem is sometimes… I don’t want to. It’s like I rebel against my sensible self when I’m emotionally overwhelmed.

Just to clarify, the psychiatrist was a one-off appointment requested by my doctor as a review. I’m definitely not seeing that psychiatrist again though!

I do see a psychologist fortnightly whom I connect with really well. That’s been helping although I still feel awkward and tend to avoid talking about suicidal thoughts and or going into detail about selfharm.

Sometimes I find writing down my thoughts and then giving it to my psych helps me communicate… maybe I will write something before our session this week.

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I found writing really helped me

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Regarding self harm and suicidal feelings. I've worked as a Crisis support person for suicidal issues. My son talked about suicide for two years and then killed himself. I was not able to save him or help him. The only thing I can say regarding this complex issue is that it is dangerous not to talk about it. And meds do help combined with an extremely responsive therapist.

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@mia001 Wondering how you are doing. I know you have been struggling. Has there been any improvement in how you are feeling?

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Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. I am coping a bit better at the moment. I made a long post not long ago but it hasn't appeared. I'm unsure if it is being moderated or if it failed to be sent. If it doesn't work, I'll post again later.

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@mia001

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. I am coping a bit better at the moment. I made a long post not long ago but it hasn't appeared. I'm unsure if it is being moderated or if it failed to be sent. If it doesn't work, I'll post again later.

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@mia001 Thank you for touching base.

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@mia001

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. I am coping a bit better at the moment. I made a long post not long ago but it hasn't appeared. I'm unsure if it is being moderated or if it failed to be sent. If it doesn't work, I'll post again later.

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@mia001 Glad you are feeling better. We are here for you, and this is a safe place.
Ginger

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@mia001

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your replies. I am coping a bit better at the moment. I made a long post not long ago but it hasn't appeared. I'm unsure if it is being moderated or if it failed to be sent. If it doesn't work, I'll post again later.

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Hi, @mia001,
That's a pity that your detailed message failed to send. We do not hold posts for moderation review. Here's an explanation of why and how Connect is moderated: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/page/about-connect/tab/moderators/.

To see all your post activity, simply click your username to go to your profile and see all the posts you've made to date. I hope you'll try to post your message again.

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Hi, @mia001 – just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing?

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@lisalucier

Hi, @mia001 – just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing?

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Hi everyone,
I know it’s been a little while but I thought I’d check in. The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I spent the past 2 weekends in the Mental Health Unit, the second time because I selfharmed and tried to overdose on my medication. I’m feeling exhausted.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard and for so long…. but I need someone to be there for me, to comfort me, to support me. I can’t do it on my own. But there is no one.

I’m scared. In my head I’m screaming for help but I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there is anything I can do. My family care about me but they aren’t capable of providing the comfort and support I need. I have a lot of “friends” (people from work, gym, TAFE etc) but no one I am close to. I’m desperately alone and desperately trying to keep my head above water while my hope is slowly fading.

I’m doing mindfulness, distracting myself, going to the gym, doing stuff I enjoy… but I feel like it’s all futile. I’m alone and adrift in the ocean of life.

I can call Lifeline but it’s not the same. I need a person HERE, someone I can see and feel and touch.

I can be kept safe while I’m hospitalised but it still doesn’t solve the underlying issue…

I’m alone.

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@mia001

Hi everyone,
I know it’s been a little while but I thought I’d check in. The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. I spent the past 2 weekends in the Mental Health Unit, the second time because I selfharmed and tried to overdose on my medication. I’m feeling exhausted.

I feel like I’ve tried so hard and for so long…. but I need someone to be there for me, to comfort me, to support me. I can’t do it on my own. But there is no one.

I’m scared. In my head I’m screaming for help but I don’t know what to do. I don’t think there is anything I can do. My family care about me but they aren’t capable of providing the comfort and support I need. I have a lot of “friends” (people from work, gym, TAFE etc) but no one I am close to. I’m desperately alone and desperately trying to keep my head above water while my hope is slowly fading.

I’m doing mindfulness, distracting myself, going to the gym, doing stuff I enjoy… but I feel like it’s all futile. I’m alone and adrift in the ocean of life.

I can call Lifeline but it’s not the same. I need a person HERE, someone I can see and feel and touch.

I can be kept safe while I’m hospitalised but it still doesn’t solve the underlying issue…

I’m alone.

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@mia001 it's so important that you find a safe connection, that you find someone that you can turn to. I'm sorry that your family cannot be there for you in the way that you need them to be. Are you in a physically isolated town or Province where you cannot track down somebody who can be in your corner for you? Have you checked to make sure that one of the side effects of the medication you're on is not further depression? If so there should be something in place to try to help you get away from that side effect. I am concerned for your safety and hope that you will seriously consider getting some sort of inpatient treatment if necessary for longer than just a weekend. Please stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing. We are here at the Cyber table and we all do care for your well-being and you.
Ginger

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@mia001– Aww honey I'm so so sorry that you are still feeling this low. Being molested or raped can take so much away form our self worth. It can destroy any confidence that we have, scares us to death and keeps us looking over our shoulder. This a certain type of power. At some point though we have to realize that it doesn't define who we are. By that I mean it doesn't identify your essential qualities. Do you know what your essential qualities are? Can you name them? Are you a caring person, a kind person, loyal or fair person? You must look to yourself, at some point, to take care of these essential qualities because, when you get down to it, only you know what's important to you. Being sexually abused seems to be the core, from what you have shared so far in your story, of your pain. We self harm to make the pain inside go away, if only for a short period of time because simply, it hurts more. Are you in treatment for this? It took me a long time to get over my rape and I let it affect me too much.
I use to feel the need to have everyone take care of me, guide me in how to feel or act. I wanted so badly for the loneliness to go away that I would hook on to someone and by that I'd push them away. You have inner strength that you are denying yourself by thinking that you need someone to care for you. You don't. When we are raped someone takes away our power. We weren't given a choice about what happened. In order to get over this we have to take power over ourselves and to stop being dependent on others. This will give us our power back. It works but it takes a while and it's difficult. Don't give your power to anyone else, take care of them yourself.
Do you think that you can hook up with a good counselor for help? Have you ever been to therapy?

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Some of us need others to fix things for us. This can place others in an uncomfortable place as no matter what they say or do it is never enough. This can oft drive others far from us.I have not ever been one to expect others to always be around to cuddle and care. To ask others to always be there to comfort is not at all realistic for me. Having others in my space being needy and clingy can be stressful.
We are all so different in what we expect from others.

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Talked to the therapist today. Told her the depression is becoming overwhelming because of the pain becoming worse again and knowing there are no answers this time or treatment I can afford. We both know what antidepressants do to me. I need help with the physical pain which is interfering with my battle with depression. I see the pain specialist next Tuesday which is pointless. He likely will tell me to do my shoulder rolls and breathe. So dehumanizing. Maybe recent CT will make some kind of impression. Trudge, Trudge. Yes the self harming thoughts are present. At least the pain would be visible. The depression monster comes a lurk, lurking, lurking. We are stronger than the heavy tread. Can't go back to the old ways.

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