@mia001- Aww honey I'm so so sorry that you are still feeling this low. Being molested or raped can take so much away form our self worth. It can destroy any confidence that we have, scares us to death and keeps us looking over our shoulder. This a certain type of power. At some point though we have to realize that it doesn't define who we are. By that I mean it doesn't identify your essential qualities. Do you know what your essential qualities are? Can you name them? Are you a caring person, a kind person, loyal or fair person? You must look to yourself, at some point, to take care of these essential qualities because, when you get down to it, only you know what's important to you. Being sexually abused seems to be the core, from what you have shared so far in your story, of your pain. We self harm to make the pain inside go away, if only for a short period of time because simply, it hurts more. Are you in treatment for this? It took me a long time to get over my rape and I let it affect me too much.
I use to feel the need to have everyone take care of me, guide me in how to feel or act. I wanted so badly for the loneliness to go away that I would hook on to someone and by that I'd push them away. You have inner strength that you are denying yourself by thinking that you need someone to care for you. You don't. When we are raped someone takes away our power. We weren't given a choice about what happened. In order to get over this we have to take power over ourselves and to stop being dependent on others. This will give us our power back. It works but it takes a while and it's difficult. Don't give your power to anyone else, take care of them yourself.
Do you think that you can hook up with a good counselor for help? Have you ever been to therapy?