When you truly, honestly hate yourself

@1k194
I absolutely agree with this, I'm actually glad to find in written words something that express this so precisely.
But for me it's a deep real self hatred and also a developed hatred for life, and my life, as in the total experience I've had so far.
I used to love myself, love life and love my life, I delighted in sharing with people in making joy out of every moment, and even enjoying the gifts o watching a sunset.
But my thing is not a belief, or a "depression" problem or a "hang in there youre not alone" type of thing so please don't waste time commenting any of that.
All this has come out of pure and absolute experience in my life, facts.
As if myself and life itself where against me from the very get go, despite my good energy, my good personality, skills and later on my good learned and developed tools for positive change.

I'm writing in this types of forums for the very first time, not in the hope of getting the advice I get on a google search, but in the hope of maybe getting to talk with or know someone who also is experiencing this or has experienced this and overcame it, BUT SOMEONE, a person, not an app, or a therapist, psychologist, coach, expert, NOT A BUSINESS, as that is all "the help" I can actually find in abundance nowadays.

A year ago I woke up every morning in deep despair and desperation. I could not see how I could go on.

About six months ago, I used the daily reminders on calendars from ActionforHappiness.com to move forward out of my despair. In a month, I had a much better outlook. Now I wake up every morning with just a twinge of sadness only occasionally.
https://actionforhappiness.org/all-calendars
This calendar reminder was especially significant for me because I have incurable cancer:

Who we are is a function of our genetics and our environment. We have no control over the former and very limited control over the latter.

All we can do is the best we can with the hand we were dealt.

Whatever you are doing today is the best you can do today.

May you live in peace and good health.

This morning I woke up with more sadness than I have had in months. I sat quietly for a while but could not associate it with any experience in the past.

So I tried an exercise from the book, HealingTrauma with Guided Drawing: A Sensorimotor Art Therapy Approach to Bilateral Body Mapping by Cornelia Elbrecht.

I have large sheets of newsprint, 2 feet by 3 feet, and jumbo crayons. I closed my eyes with a crayon in each fist and drew the same motion with both hands. I started crying and the word spinning came to my mind.

Some of my abuse occurred before I developed language so the memories do not have words. Bilateral Drawing helps me connect to the feelings and find a word.

Now an hour later my sadness has lifted. I hung the newspaper on the wall to honor the struggle to recall this painful memory.

Healing Trauma with Guided Drawing by Cornelia Elbrecht
https://www.northatlanticbooks.com/shop/healing-trauma-with-guided-drawing/

I know how you feel. For a long time now I have felt that I am a "bad" person. I do not have a good self image. Just within the last several weeks I have had experiences that seem to reinforce this image of myself. I have been called negative and entitled. I was gobsmacked. Because I did not think this about myself. Unworthy, unlovable, yet, but not that. However this seems to be the way others perceive me. My husband died 2-1/2 years ago after a 59 year marriage. Now I am beginning to wonder if he ever loved me. I have stopped trying to go out anywhere. Knowing I am going to be judged negatively is too much hurt.

Have you had grief counseling. Sounds like you are in a dark place in your life. Please seek help.

@aczatx47131 Thank you very much. I'm going to look into this, and I appreciate your posting a link to it in your follow-up post.

I've looked into Art Therapy, even tried it with a therapist or two, but it didn't get very far, though, as with everything, it so much depends upon the person, their personality/approach/training/empathy, and so on.

I've purchased many books on Art Therapy (along with many self-help books), but I'm realizing for me it comes down to needing the personal, 1-on-1 engagement with another person/professional to get anywhere in my journey.

[As a note to share on that experience, in an effort to explain or answer one of her prompts in a session, I remember describing the scene that grabs me - that of the calm of a flowing river as it (unknowingly) approaches the precipice of a waterfall (of the magnitude of Niagara falls), with the full force of unavoidable, imminent disaster ahead.]

I do have a lovely LCSW therapist I visit locally, and feel fortunate to find her, but I think it is more of a supportive / friendship (for her mainly - with all good intentions on her part 🤗, truly), and for now I'm ok with that. I know how hard it is to find someone, and even the psychiatrist I had for over 20 years, who was very aware of professional ethics and boundaries, and yet went out of her way to comfort me at times of crisis - didn't seem to get me beyond my lifelong family-rooted struggles. I'll leave it at that for now.

But, again, I do greatly appreciate how you described the experience simply & directly here...
One of the many reasons Mayo Clinic Connect has been an invaluable resource, in innumerable ways, in my life these past few years!

Best wishes.

You are very welcome, brandysparks…Thank you for sharing your growth.

I have had years of therapy and benefitted greatly from a few therapists. But I eventually realized I had to find my own way.

ActionforHappiness.com has videos of all their webinars. I attend the new webinars regularly. The Dali Lama is their mentor/consultant. Here is a link to register for the next one. They are located in London so there is a link on the website to find your time.
https://actionforhappiness.org/life-lessons
On my own, I use the exercises from Linehan’s DBT Skills Handouts and Worksheets.
https://www.amazon.com/Skills-Training-Handouts-Worksheets-Second/dp/1572307811/ref=sr_1_1
I am new to Mayo Connect so it is good to hear that you find the community helpful.

I started a conversation on SmartPatients.com to gather resources that people use for anxiety. Currently I use Breath Work, mindfulness, wall sitting and brief binaural listening. Here is a link to the conversation. You will have to register with SmartPatients.com to view the conversation, Resources for Anxiety.
https://www.smartpatients.com/conversations/resources-for-anxiety