When you truly, honestly hate yourself

@aczatx47131 Thank you very much. I'm going to look into this, and I appreciate your posting a link to it in your follow-up post.

I've looked into Art Therapy, even tried it with a therapist or two, but it didn't get very far, though, as with everything, it so much depends upon the person, their personality/approach/training/empathy, and so on.

I've purchased many books on Art Therapy (along with many self-help books), but I'm realizing for me it comes down to needing the personal, 1-on-1 engagement with another person/professional to get anywhere in my journey.

[As a note to share on that experience, in an effort to explain or answer one of her prompts in a session, I remember describing the scene that grabs me - that of the calm of a flowing river as it (unknowingly) approaches the precipice of a waterfall (of the magnitude of Niagara falls), with the full force of unavoidable, imminent disaster ahead.]

I do have a lovely LCSW therapist I visit locally, and feel fortunate to find her, but I think it is more of a supportive / friendship (for her mainly - with all good intentions on her part 🤗, truly), and for now I'm ok with that. I know how hard it is to find someone, and even the psychiatrist I had for over 20 years, who was very aware of professional ethics and boundaries, and yet went out of her way to comfort me at times of crisis - didn't seem to get me beyond my lifelong family-rooted struggles. I'll leave it at that for now.

But, again, I do greatly appreciate how you described the experience simply & directly here...
One of the many reasons Mayo Clinic Connect has been an invaluable resource, in innumerable ways, in my life these past few years!

Best wishes.

@aczatx47131 Thank you very much. I'm going to look into this, and I appreciate your posting a link to it in your follow-up post.

I've looked into Art Therapy, even tried it with a therapist or two, but it didn't get very far, though, as with everything, it so much depends upon the person, their personality/approach/training/empathy, and so on.

I've purchased many books on Art Therapy (along with many self-help books), but I'm realizing for me it comes down to needing the personal, 1-on-1 engagement with another person/professional to get anywhere in my journey.

[As a note to share on that experience, in an effort to explain or answer one of her prompts in a session, I remember describing the scene that grabs me - that of the calm of a flowing river as it (unknowingly) approaches the precipice of a waterfall (of the magnitude of Niagara falls), with the full force of unavoidable, imminent disaster ahead.]

I do have a lovely LCSW therapist I visit locally, and feel fortunate to find her, but I think it is more of a supportive / friendship (for her mainly - with all good intentions on her part 🤗, truly), and for now I'm ok with that. I know how hard it is to find someone, and even the psychiatrist I had for over 20 years, who was very aware of professional ethics and boundaries, and yet went out of her way to comfort me at times of crisis - didn't seem to get me beyond my lifelong family-rooted struggles. I'll leave it at that for now.

But, again, I do greatly appreciate how you described the experience simply & directly here...
One of the many reasons Mayo Clinic Connect has been an invaluable resource, in innumerable ways, in my life these past few years!

Best wishes.

Have you had grief counseling. Sounds like you are in a dark place in your life. Please seek help.

I was not always who I am. I was once a sweet little boy full of wonder and joy. If I can not love who the world has made me I can love who I was.

Our scars are beautiful. They tell of our lives.

When the pain of my life was more than I could bare I turned inward and hated myself. Suicide is all that pain turned inward. I am not loathsome any more than a child is loathsome and neither are you.

It has always helped me to reach out to someone more in need than me. Perhaps I help them, but they have often saved me.

You are loved because of your flaws not in spite of them.

I know how you feel. For a long time now I have felt that I am a "bad" person. I do not have a good self image. Just within the last several weeks I have had experiences that seem to reinforce this image of myself. I have been called negative and entitled. I was gobsmacked. Because I did not think this about myself. Unworthy, unlovable, yet, but not that. However this seems to be the way others perceive me. My husband died 2-1/2 years ago after a 59 year marriage. Now I am beginning to wonder if he ever loved me. I have stopped trying to go out anywhere. Knowing I am going to be judged negatively is too much hurt.

You are very welcome, brandysparks…Thank you for sharing your growth.

I have had years of therapy and benefitted greatly from a few therapists. But I eventually realized I had to find my own way.

ActionforHappiness.com has videos of all their webinars. I attend the new webinars regularly. The Dali Lama is their mentor/consultant. Here is a link to register for the next one. They are located in London so there is a link on the website to find your time.

On my own, I use the exercises from Linehan’s DBT Skills Handouts and Worksheets.

I am new to Mayo Connect so it is good to hear that you find the community helpful.

@aczatx47131 - This is tremendously helpful!

I really appreciate your sharing these amazing resources...I'm excited to tap into them & explore asap. I also really like that there is/are a variety of these resources - for me, variety is key!

I am familiar with Marsha (sp?) Linehan's DBT work - esp. after reading a NYTimes article that she herself finally realized she needed to share with her patients that she TOO struggled with the same issues they did. I will look back at her work now, thanks to the links you provided.

Interested to know, if you'd care to share, how you came across these resources that specifically are or have helped you - trial & error? (i.e., what focuses you to finally find resources that help, since it's so easy to get overwhelmed or put off by how much is out there, not to mention questioning the intentions of the sites, as well as their confidentiality/privacy, etc.?)

I will review possible books online, feel good after reading the overview about the content, see good reviews of those they've helped, purchase some of them, then put it on the pile or the shelf (aargh!).

I know for me it is about interaction (but interaction isn't readily available - however this forum (MCC) has provided another form of interaction that really has encouraged me!)

I'll leave it at that for now. 😜 Thank you again. Interested to learn more about your journey and what has helped.

You are more than welcome, brandysparks!

I retired 10 years ago so I have lots of time.

Six months before the pandemic, I had a stem cell transplant to treat a blood cancer. I am very immunocompromised so I spend lots of time at home. I have no family and no caregiver so my anxiety about end-of-life was really high after the transplant. I started attending webinars for mental health with NAMI here in Austin. That’s where I learned about Linehan. Then I started attending webinars with Action for Happiness and learned more about anxiety and mindfulness.

I subscribed to newsletters forum Everyday Health where I learned lots about the gut microbiome, mental health, nutrition, exercising and more.

I may have mentioned that my childhood was filled with severe traumatic abuse. For years I woke up in deep despair and sadness. All this turned around six months ago when I used the calendar reminders from ActionforHappiness.com. My favorite reminder is “Be a realistic optimist. See life for what it is and look for the good.” I found a way forward out of my despair and sadness.

My “mother” was severely mentally ill. I was hooked into helping her which ultimately provided pointlessly. When I let go of her, I decided to help myself instead.

I do enjoy being kind.

I am so pleased that some of the resources may be helpful to you.