When you truly, honestly hate yourself

I have compassion for you that you seem stuck in "Self." Very Simply try doing for others and you won't have the time to be so fixated on you. Your world is about you; how self-centered is that? You are responsible for the way you feel; do for others and wake-up!

Dear Fellow Human,

Your agony is writ large in these lines...I am not sure how many have read your post not felt stunned or paralyzed, by the hurt that drips from your every line. Your starting line can freeze many of us -- as it did to me.

But it also made me look for What Can Be Done.
So I've scanned through some five dozen pages on Google reading in detail a few that are credible. They also say some of the same things other sources have said. And one of them is that childhood trauma (emotional and or physical abuse) that they endured by "learning" to explain Why they are bad as others around them Think they are. Accepting others' opinion of yourself we begin to explain with 'clever' phrases like Because we are "shty" ... even though on a second thought (if we get to it) we know we are just Repeating what have been said about us.

Soon it grows. We even begin to "explain" that the Creator, the God, whatever your belief system is, is also Agreeing with your negative assessment of yourself.

And Yet, did you notice you already told us to Show Us, the Mayo readers: "I am not suicidal as I am to chicken and don't want to hurt my kids and ex wife, but I feel like I'm already hurting them." You may never know how many it brought tears into their eyes, feeling helpless what to offer to you... even as it was a Clear sign of YOUR being Human and Your Caring Decision for Others. Don't YOU see that you are showing us -- and Yourself Without Realizing -- that You Are Capable of Being a Good Person?

Indeed this is what the readings I did today tells me. The Self-Haters are unable to see what Goodness Exists in them because they Constantly bombard themselves with self-loathing labels and false explanations, leaving no space for helpful alternative opinions, their own or others.

So since you say you have tried therapies and meds without any positive results, how about becoming your Own Therapist?
Let's start with simple steps -- by Questioning Every Label you give yourself. After all every claim, every idea, is only as good, as true as it can be Proven. And if You can't prove it to be true, can you be at least open enough to Accept, "well I cannot prove I am [put each one of those labels] so I will accept For Now that I am 'Not Sure' if I'm blah blah blahs.

I'd be looking forward to your next (baby) steps.

Here's one source I found credible:
https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-self-loathing#google_vignette

Hey, I’ve dealt with this same issue myself, I recommend looking up the letting go technique by David R. Hawkins, as well as reading the book. You got this!

I too have lived this for as long as I can remember. I dream of the day the pain is gone and so am I

that sounds shaming

I have the book you mentioned letting go by dr Hawkins. I am sorry for the pain in this post. Once I was you. My feelings were linked to childhood trauma power and control issues not being able to say no. I had no self esteem. Now I do

Many of the statements here are ones that go through my head. I've told my story to so many people and I've run out of people to tell. I can't keep telling parts of the story to my friends and because they will go away- no mater how close we are. My therapist is recommending a lot of therapies - like Biofeedback. I'm 72 years old and I've tried a lot of methods I'm not wanting to go through it all again. The pain of 2 out of 3 of my children aren't talking to me won't go away even though after 4 years I can get through most days without crying. Thanks for listening

I understand. I have loathed myself since my youth.

Everything I do turns to shit. Failed career. Failed side hustle. Failed marriage. A daughter who is incapable of saying, “I love you, Dad.” Failed engagement. Failed dates. Failed ministry as an Episcopal priest.

You name it. I have fucked it up. Most of my congregation hates me. Or at least, they are profoundly disappointed in me. Because even though I am part-time, they hate that I don’t show up full time.

I live in squalor because three bouts of Covid led to three rounds of long Covid. I can barely walk and so cleaning my house is impossible. I can’t afford to hire help, and most people tell me long covid is a lazy man’s dodge; an excuse to keep from adulting.

A wonderful woman loves me now. I can’t understand why. She’s much younger and she wants me - but I fear that I will just turn her life to shit. I’m human excrement. I have disappointed EVERYONE including my parents, God, my the Church, previous partners, friends, and siblings.

I feel like I would be protecting her if I jumped off a bridge. There’s a beauty not too far from here and I have wondered if I might not be doing everyone a favor, you know?

I’m almost 60. I’ve amounted to zero.

Yes. I have been in therapy. I am in therapy. Yes. I am on antidepressants. I’m on everything but roller skates. Mostly worthless. Because losers gonna lose, yanno? It’s DNA. It’s in the script. My parents knew it early on.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to do anything drastic. Why? Because I don’t have the balls. I’m a gutless coward. I want to. I want to protect her from my life of fail. But I’m too afraid that if I did jump, I’d survive. And end up living to 100, shitting in my pajamas, drooling, and watching Murder She Wrote.

I SO know how you feel.

@failed1, that's a lot! But it's not zero. You have someone who loves you. Hold on to that rather than question why. Don't presume failure.

It is comforting to know that you do not have intention of doing anything drastic or harming yourself. Thank you for assuring members of that because we do worry. While you say you don't have the balls, you obviously had the courage to write here. Yes, that is courage. Small steps count too.

I strongly encourage you to read the posts of @jimhd and @dfb and others here who know your struggles first hand.

What I'm going to say next may sound trite. I don't mean it so. But how could you re-write the sentence in the script? If you look around right now, what is one thing that you're grateful for or have succeeded in today? Anything, really, no matter how small. Did you take a shower? Did the sun shine? Did you eat a good meal? Did you tell your friend what she means to you?

Your desire to kill yourself is physiological…likely brain inflammation. This fact doesn’t make it any easier but it is not weakness it is not “mental” health it is brain health…full stop.

The science is 100% clear.

My doctors are finally paying attention…I’m referred to neurology and endocrinology.

Trauma causes cortisol spikes cortisol causes inflammation in the brain where stress, despair and suicidality reside. This is science not voodoo like mental health.

Stress response cause more cortisol causes inflammation more, more, more.

It can be managed to a degree with diet, exercise, sleep, mindfulness and very low dose, very low dose of Cannibis of the proper strain…find someone that knows Cannibis and you won’t get sick or waste a lot of money like I did.

Review my post for my diet and fitness protocols.

We have all been lied to.

Look it up all brain health is metabolic…all of it.

Doesn’t mean therapy doesn’t work it rewires the brain naturally…sometimes meds are need 80% of the time or more the wrong meds are being used just making things worse.

Soon, real soon we will all live in peace and good health…it’s coming hang on

I will if you will!