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When you truly, honestly hate yourself

Depression & Anxiety | Last Active: Apr 17 12:59pm | Replies (55)
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@aczatx47131

A year ago I woke up every morning in deep despair and desperation. I could not see how I could go on.

About six months ago, I used the daily reminders on calendars from ActionforHappiness.com to move forward out of my despair. In a month, I had a much better outlook. Now I wake up every morning with just a twinge of sadness only occasionally.

https://actionforhappiness.org/all-calendars

This calendar reminder was especially significant for me because I have incurable cancer:

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aczatx47131 | @aczatx47131 | Apr 11 8:21am

This morning I woke up with more sadness than I have had in months. I sat quietly for a while but could not associate it with any experience in the past.

So I tried an exercise from the book, HealingTrauma with Guided Drawing: A Sensorimotor Art Therapy Approach to Bilateral Body Mapping by Cornelia Elbrecht.

I have large sheets of newsprint, 2 feet by 3 feet, and jumbo crayons. I closed my eyes with a crayon in each fist and drew the same motion with both hands. I started crying and the word spinning came to my mind.

Some of my abuse occurred before I developed language so the memories do not have words. Bilateral Drawing helps me connect to the feelings and find a word.

Now an hour later my sadness has lifted. I hung the newspaper on the wall to honor the struggle to recall this painful memory.

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