Spouse becoming less supportive?

Sorry you're going through this.

One of the traps that we can fall into is that because cancer dominates our thoughts (with good reason) the subject of cancer becomes "our personality".
From the perspective of others, it seems to be all we talk about & our actions all revolve around it.
It sounds much meaner than it actually is, but maybe she's "sick of the subject".

One solution would be to not just spend more time with her, but send time not talking about cancer & related coping strategies.

I can understand her not wanting you to spend time with other women, but does she go with you?
She may be bored out of her mind, but sitting quietly at the back, watching you interact with the others on an obviously friendly basis may alleviate some of her worries.

Other than that... go have brunch with her & talk about anything but cancer coping subjects.

Yes, maybe she just wants her old normal husband back.

@peterj116
Oh Peter - in our relationship I am the one who can not stop thinking and talking about cancer *sigh : ((( and I am starting to worry about being such way and lately I apologize to my husband when I catch myself starting conversation about it during dinner or nice walks. : ((( Of course he tells me that he does not mind that at all and that he is tremendously grateful for all that I do, but I can sense a shift in his mood, however subtle, when I mention cancer. I actually make sure that he spends some time without me since he does not need to hear "about new studies" every 5 seconds. : ((( BUT, he will not do any research himself or think about it at all, so I have to and it is really soooo soooo hard to find balance or solution for all of this nonsense and torture that PC brings into one's life : (((.

@surftohealth88 He's lucky to have you. And it's good that you notice his reaction if he wants to talk about anything but. On the other hand, caring so much & reading so much means that you're a wealth of helpful information - for him and for us.

Dear Bluegill, I am so sorry to hear that but this PC thing effects us all in different ways and obviously can push both patients and partners to some unusual and out of character reactions.

Since your wife was supportive for so many years < 3, my guess is that "singing with other women" made her very upset indeed and perhaps she is uncomfortable to admit her girlish jealousy and is talking in broad terms (read "new activities") when she complains. As a wife, I would gently advise you to stop that particular "activity" ; ), she sees it as threat and no reasoning would work (like mentioning that you have no libido).

Try to compromise - spend more time with her doing what makes her feel good and loved and than as Peter suggested try to include her in your new activities. She might not join but she would not feel "uninvited" and excluded ; ). I am absolutely sure that she does not mind you meditating 😉 *ehem .

Yes - female brain is like that , lol.

@bluegill In the middle of my fifth year with metastatic prostate cancer, my spouse has gotten a little tired of talking about it, I can tell — since I'm in stable remission, maybe it's not clear what the fuss is — but she'd never say that, and she's still very supportive when I do want to talk about it.

I think it takes a lot of emotional energy putting a disease at the centre of your life, and giving it all your attention. People who have a choice (i e. the cancer isn't in them) just fatigue after a while and want to rebalance their lives. They might also be saving up energy for if/when a serious problem does flare up again.

The jealousy, though, is something different. It might help to ask her if she feels lonely. Perhaps dealing with the cancer has pushed aside too many other parts of your relationship?

In any case, this is tough stuff to navigate, but there's also an opportunity for the two of you to build a stronger relationship. Good luck, and best wishes. ❤️

Thanks for all the replies.

From my standpoint it seems maybe she really misses the life you had before you were diagnosed. I was diagnosed about 6 months ago and still awaiting treatment which is imminent so I understand how the stress and anxiety and research can kind of take over your life (I will have to have ADT for 6 months so not looking forward to that).

Maybe try making her the center of your life for a bit and putting cancer aside for a while.

Steve

My wife doesn’t like talking about prostate cancer much. She has accepted the fact that I’ve had it for 16 years. She would just prefer to hear what is happening and leave it at that. She’s not hot on the idea of going out to dinner with people where the conversation is prostate cancer. I know she would do it, but would definitely want to be talking about something else as well.

She’s going to drive me to a conference on Friday and pick me up after. Has no problem with me being with a bunch of other people for a full day.

We go out Dancing a lot of Saturday nights. If she has something to talk about, I am completely open to listening to it until she’s done, And I fully participate in those conversations.

After 44 years of marriage we usually do our own thing during the day and get together at night

I know if I were singing with a group of people she’d have no objection, Maybe with one other woman, it might be a problem.

@surftohealth88
I am the same and my husband has all but asked me to shut up:) lol. I am learning to just let him be. Of course I still do the research, spend hours on forums, cook him the right foods and pray and hope for the best. God bless us all!