Spouse becoming less supportive?

I fully agree with what @peterj116 said in the first reply. This can be so all-consuming that your personality changes. I think there is also a line for many where fatigue sets in, they don't want to relive it every day or feel like they have to walk on egg shells and I'm sure that gets terribly tiresome.

We can all obsess over cancer and how we are going to keep it at bay. Perhaps we never touched a leafy green in our lives and now it's all we'll eat and, even if you don't think you are doing it, it's possible that you may have even gotten preachy about such things or watch someone with a judging eye when they do those things that you have sworn off. That can also be off-putting.

It's easy for us to say "well I'm the one who went through it so I will do what I need to do and you really don't get it" but they do. They were your number one cheerleader, caretaker, shoulder to cry on and while the cancer was on you, don't forget that they may have spent many hours crying or depressed alone because they feared so much for you. This is to say, they experienced it too.

I've always been a smart ass, through and through. I don't speak much about my cancer now that it's behind me (hopefully), but do express stress prior to PSA tests (scanxiety) and that's about as much post-cancer talk that she gets from me except for my double gold cancer card I get to throw down when I feel cheeky - two cancers, gold card, you can't refuse that 😂.

Without being a psychologist, I can only say that perhaps you can find middle ground. You could give back a bit of your change and she can throw in a few new changes in your benefit. Isn't that what marriage is all about anyway?

@bluegill I agree with you totally…and she will never say she’s OK with it. And it really sucks because you probably really love singing with this woman - and others.
I think she’s jealous - and afraid - of you bonding in any way with another woman; it’s ‘almost’ like you are sleeping with her/them on a different level. You’re HER little eunuch, dammit, and don’t you forget it!
I would really advise seeking professional help with this - couples therapy is very helpful and can be life changing…it really changed mine for the better.
Why should both of you be angry at each other over this? The stress of living with cancer is toxic as it is for both spouses - and your relief valve (singing) is a rock in her shoe…NOT good for either one of you cause sooner or later this festering resentment could manifest itself in a worse way…
Phil

@bluegill
I've never been too educated on meditation, but is that done at home? If so, she isn't wanting you to do it?
Also, what is a sound bath? I'm totally clueless on what that is. Is that done at home or out someplace?
Sorry for my cluelessness.

I just gave up on ever having a good relationship with my wife of 45 years. Cancer has killed us, it's difficult but too late for anything else now.
Who would ever want a "man" (LOL) like me.
Life of intimacy and/or any type of dare I even say sex is long gone.

This sucks

@bluegill I do not know the dynamics of your spousal relationship but ‘take away’ sounds like Mommy-ing to me; has it always been this way? Do you always defer to her demands?
This doesn’t sound cancer specific the more you explain it…
Phil

My post above is what I'm supposed to say and all very true but...
Honestly, at this stage in my life, if what is being done to you was done to me, I'd tell her to piss off.

@briang1958 asked ❝Who would ever want a "man" (LOL) like me.❞

I'd like to humbly suggest reaching out to a professional to see if you are experiencing clinical depression, because depression is a liar: it alters your brain chemistry to make good things seem bad and bad things seem even worse. Unfortunately, depression not an uncommon comorbidity after a diagnosis of a life-changing illness. 😢

Even a Don Juan probably spent less than 1% of his waking hours having penetrative sex; for the rest of us, it would be more like 0.1% or 0.01%. You can still be *at least* 99% of the same husband you were before prostate cancer.

So it's not necessary to be so down on yourself. Find the good parts that are still there, and discover something new to fill in the rest. You're still worth loving, and still able to share love.

You've got this! The man you want to be is still in there, waiting to be let out. A clinical psychologist or psychiatrist would just be a coach to help you find him. ❤️

@briang1958
I asked about this during a talk a specialist in ED gave at the Mayo Clinic monthly meeting, a few months ago?.

I asked if somebody had gone many years without an erection would putting in an implant work. He said it probably would, but it would be necessary to get a penis pump to get an erection again before having the implant done. That would get the tissue ready for expansion with the implant.

The implants work really well to get a quick erection that you can Reduce when you want. They are very popular with the people that have had them implanted. They are covered by insurance.

You might have another option with this.

@briang1958 I agree with the northoftheborder gentleman's comments. As long as we are alive life is not over. There are other ways to be intimate....we just have to make some adjustments and figure them out.
We need to be so thankful for the people in these forums and the advice and support they have for others. Good communication between spouses can not be overstated. Intimacy now kind of has to be redefined in a sense because it's not like it's always been so it can be weirder than anything. I'm in the process of figuring it out....researching....waiting patiently for things to get better.
I agree, intimacy is super important to couples even though it may be a small of each week or so. It's devastating to just have what we have been used to be removed from the relationship and as a man feel worthless when things don't work.
Research more options and possible surgeries as others have mentioned. There are ways to bring success back my friend! Hang in there and God bless you!

There are many other factors at play here, too complicated to go into. One day last week she skipped work (called in sick) and surprised me at a coffee shop where I was chatting with friends, including a female musician. She caused a scene and made us all feel uncomfortable.

Every time I try to start a conversation about it, she gets mad. She says I'm at fault, because I'm being unfaithful.

So, I can't go to events (lunches, coffees, sound baths, etc.) because the "other woman" might be there. (Though usually she's not)