~ sadness ~

Posted by amberpep @amberpep, Sep 29, 2018

Hello everyone ….. I am struggling with something that should no longer be my business, and I need to share it. I live in Staunton, VA, between the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Appalachian Mountains. When I was still married, my now-X and I used to rent a house in Wintergreen (a resort very close by) in late summer or early Fall. We would enjoy the trails, the pool, the restaurants, the views, and long walks at night. Now that I am living so closely to Wintergreen, I just feel very sad about losing all that. And, on top of that (and I realize this is none of my business) I think my X is dating someone. Why does that bother me? I don’t know. But it all ties in with our Fall outings we used to take. Maybe after 40 years, you never quite get passed that sadness when someone else is taking your place. Now I don’t know this for sure, but from things, both said and unsaid, I am getting that sense.
My therapist once said to me (and I know some of you won’t agree with this) that it is easier if a spouse dies rather than getting divorced. I know that sounds cruel, but I’m believing it to be true. There’s just this heavy sadness that I fear I will never be without any longer …. this situation, on top of having moved here in the first place …. well, it’s just a very, very, sad and difficult time for me.
abby

@amberpep

I understand. I know how you feel right now. These feelings won't last. However you must work your way through them so you can look back and realize that you were depressed.

I still want your commitment that you won't harm yourself as I didn't see it in your post. Please call your therapist/psychologist as soon as possible to talk about how you are feeling. Sometimes your medicine can be the cause of your feelings, so also call your psychiatrist who can make changes to your prescriptions.

Last, let go of things your X is doing. It has no bearing on who you are. Your posts let me know that you are a strong woman who can handle things in your life. What he does and who he is has nothing to do with you. You can hold your head up and feel good that you have survived the last 10 years of changes. Talk to your kids and let them know that you don't want them to tell you what their father is doing. I had to pretend my X was dead in order to let go of my feelings of inadequacy around him.

Please keep in touch with me. If I was with you, I would give you a long hug and let you cry on my shoulder. You deserve to be happy dear woman.

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@amberpep

You are so right Gail …. there has been so much happen in the passed 10 years that it makes my head spin … a divorce after the 40 years, a knee replacement and then a revision, the move down here ($12,000) which I just finished paying off, I live in a low income apartment because I essentially live on S.S.,I'm looking for a job, but when they see your age (73), they immediately seem to think you're incapable of doing much of anything. I'll do anything – money is money. Now that I found out my X is seeing someone, whom all 3 of my kids have met ….. well, it makes that sting much stronger …. always the message "you're not good enough, you're nuts, you're irrational and illogical, blah, blah, blah." We were in marriage counseling for 3 much which did nothing as he wouldn't speak a word about his inner feelings and thoughts. I have been seeing a Psychologist for 15 years (in MD) and still drive up every other week for an appt., and I have a Psychiatrist who evaluates and prescribes the medications. At 73, it's just more sometimes than I can handle … I want it all to end.
abby

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@amberpep – please know many people care about you here at Mayo Clinic Connect. I'm very sorry things are feeling so sad, and very understandably with so many things from the past flooding through your thoughts right now. Sending you a virtual hug.

Did you by chance get to look at this discussion (you'll want to click on the link to see it on the site), https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/it-wont-end/?pg=1#comment-121524/? All the posts in this thread alone directed to you are powerful testimony that you matter, and that you are important to members here.

I'd like to tag some of those members who have talked with you before here and care about your well-being, like @charlie75 @annedodrill44 @anniegk @lauraleaisme @ssbionicknee @gingerw @karen00 @contentandwell (and I know there are many others, as well).

I agree with @gailb, that it sounds like you should call your therapist's office right away with feeling so low, and that I'd sure love to know you will not harm yourself. Would you offer some assurance on that and place a call to the therapist who has helped you so much?

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Why in the world did I ever move down here? My kids hounded me for 3-4 years to come down, "to be closer" …. well closer yes, but also only about 18 miles from their father. He's got a huge 2-story house, on 3 acres of land, and he is just Mr. Wonderful. You're right parus, they are the only ones that are right. I'm afraid after growing up as I did, and then being married to an N for 40 years, "you're just not worth anything" is drilled into my brain. I see my therapist next Monday, and this Thurs. a Psychiatrist. Not the one I've seen for many years, but a different one, because my original one retired. It takes me a long while to trust so I measure my words carefully, not to my therapist, but to this new doctor. I wish I could see my therapist a few times a week for awhile, until I get over this hump. Right now I see no light at the end of this dark, deep tunnel. Life just sucks.

abby

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@lisalucier

@amberpep – please know many people care about you here at Mayo Clinic Connect. I'm very sorry things are feeling so sad, and very understandably with so many things from the past flooding through your thoughts right now. Sending you a virtual hug.

Did you by chance get to look at this discussion (you'll want to click on the link to see it on the site), https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/it-wont-end/?pg=1#comment-121524/? All the posts in this thread alone directed to you are powerful testimony that you matter, and that you are important to members here.

I'd like to tag some of those members who have talked with you before here and care about your well-being, like @charlie75 @annedodrill44 @anniegk @lauraleaisme @ssbionicknee @gingerw @karen00 @contentandwell (and I know there are many others, as well).

I agree with @gailb, that it sounds like you should call your therapist's office right away with feeling so low, and that I'd sure love to know you will not harm yourself. Would you offer some assurance on that and place a call to the therapist who has helped you so much?

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@amberpep Hi Amber – this is Karen. Please let me know how you are!

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@amberpep

You are so right Gail …. there has been so much happen in the passed 10 years that it makes my head spin … a divorce after the 40 years, a knee replacement and then a revision, the move down here ($12,000) which I just finished paying off, I live in a low income apartment because I essentially live on S.S.,I'm looking for a job, but when they see your age (73), they immediately seem to think you're incapable of doing much of anything. I'll do anything – money is money. Now that I found out my X is seeing someone, whom all 3 of my kids have met ….. well, it makes that sting much stronger …. always the message "you're not good enough, you're nuts, you're irrational and illogical, blah, blah, blah." We were in marriage counseling for 3 much which did nothing as he wouldn't speak a word about his inner feelings and thoughts. I have been seeing a Psychologist for 15 years (in MD) and still drive up every other week for an appt., and I have a Psychiatrist who evaluates and prescribes the medications. At 73, it's just more sometimes than I can handle … I want it all to end.
abby

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@amberpep Hi Amber. Please try to find a bright side — your daughters WANTED you there, they want to be closer and spend time with you. To me, that would be huge. I know that sometimes things seem like they will never get better but they always do. You are a valuable person, again that is obvious from your daughters wanting you in their lives.
I know that your divorce must have been exceedingly hard on you after so many years, but try to realize that he has lost out by divorcing. You are a good person and deserve the best. I hope you do manage to find some work, for me it would be a very positive thing. I got laid off of my last job which turned out to be fortunate because shortly after that my health problems developed, but I still miss working. I do manage to stay busy going to my health club. If I had grandchildren and they lived close by that would be great, they keep the grandmothers I know quite busy too.
Is there a senior center close to you? My sister goes to one weekly and enjoys it and has met a number of nice women there. She is now 73, some of the people there are younger than she is, some older. Push yourself to find the energy to get out and go somewhere like that or if you can find a job, do that. That would be win-win since money is tight. Many stores hire older people and of course then you get a discount there also.
DON'T GIVE UP. Things are bound to get better.
JK

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Content … thanks for your encouragement. Yes, I know my girls enjoy having me here, but truthfully if I'd have thought more carefully about their Dad being so close, I would not have come. I'm 73, and in the years I have left, I want to enjoy them, not wonder all the time what is he doing, who is he seeing? And the worst part is that all my kids have met her, so this is more than just a now and then date. I shouldn't care! And I know that, but after 40 years and everything we went through with sick parents, vacations, raising out kids ….. it does hurt. I went to church tonight and before the service I spoke with my Priest (I'm Orthodox), and he was very helpful.
abby

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Hi Karen … thank you so much for caring. I'm OK right now, but everytime I drive over I-64 and over the mountains, I think. There was a time, when in the midst of the horrors of the divorce that I did have a plan ….. going over one of the Blue Ridge Mtns., take my seatbelt off, gun it and go right over the guard rail down about 4,000 ft. That would be at night so no one would have found me very quickly. I'm not to that point yet, but I just wish my MD support system were here, but they're not.
abby

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I know my girls wanted me here, but they have lives and families too. One of them works full time, and now that the other one's 2 children are in middle school, she's going back to work. So, I really can't depend on them and I don't want to be a drain on them. They're plenty busy now. I know how it is when I only had 1 left at home (my son in 10th grade at the time), and I was working ….. it's tough and there's never enough time to get everything done. I can't do that to them and add to their loads.
abby

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@gailb

@amberpep

I understand. I know how you feel right now. These feelings won't last. However you must work your way through them so you can look back and realize that you were depressed.

I still want your commitment that you won't harm yourself as I didn't see it in your post. Please call your therapist/psychologist as soon as possible to talk about how you are feeling. Sometimes your medicine can be the cause of your feelings, so also call your psychiatrist who can make changes to your prescriptions.

Last, let go of things your X is doing. It has no bearing on who you are. Your posts let me know that you are a strong woman who can handle things in your life. What he does and who he is has nothing to do with you. You can hold your head up and feel good that you have survived the last 10 years of changes. Talk to your kids and let them know that you don't want them to tell you what their father is doing. I had to pretend my X was dead in order to let go of my feelings of inadequacy around him.

Please keep in touch with me. If I was with you, I would give you a long hug and let you cry on my shoulder. You deserve to be happy dear woman.

Jump to this post

Hi Gail …. we've been divorced for 12 years, and I was doing really well in MD, but the move here, so close to where he lives was a huge mistake and totally upset the applecart for me. I see a new Psychiatrist Thursday and I'm sure for the first visit it will be 45 min. at least, and then next Monday I see my therapist in MD (yes, I still drive up 2x a month), whom I've been seeing for 12 years and has walked with me through all kinds of things. If I were still in MD I'd have no clue what he was doing, but down here, he's bound to come up in conversations my kids have with one another. I mentioned in another post that I talked with my Priest tonight after Vespers and that helped a lot. Apparently there's a lot of "bleeding folks" there.

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Hello @amberpep

I'm glad to hear that you were able to talk with your priest. The more people you can share your burdens with the better! Keep on keeping on and we will be here for you.

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@amberpep

I know my girls wanted me here, but they have lives and families too. One of them works full time, and now that the other one's 2 children are in middle school, she's going back to work. So, I really can't depend on them and I don't want to be a drain on them. They're plenty busy now. I know how it is when I only had 1 left at home (my son in 10th grade at the time), and I was working ….. it's tough and there's never enough time to get everything done. I can't do that to them and add to their loads.
abby

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@amberpep

Your desire to not burden your girls too much is very kind of you, Abby. I hope you have a good day.

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@amberpep

Hi Karen … thank you so much for caring. I'm OK right now, but everytime I drive over I-64 and over the mountains, I think. There was a time, when in the midst of the horrors of the divorce that I did have a plan ….. going over one of the Blue Ridge Mtns., take my seatbelt off, gun it and go right over the guard rail down about 4,000 ft. That would be at night so no one would have found me very quickly. I'm not to that point yet, but I just wish my MD support system were here, but they're not.
abby

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@amberpep Hi! I’m checking on you today. I just lost my psychiatrist of 25 years yesterday. Seems we’re in this together. Your note worried me. Please talk to your priest again. Now! I think what you’re having is called suicide ideation. I want you to be safe! Tell me what you are doing today?……Karen

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@amberpep

I know my girls wanted me here, but they have lives and families too. One of them works full time, and now that the other one's 2 children are in middle school, she's going back to work. So, I really can't depend on them and I don't want to be a drain on them. They're plenty busy now. I know how it is when I only had 1 left at home (my son in 10th grade at the time), and I was working ….. it's tough and there's never enough time to get everything done. I can't do that to them and add to their loads.
abby

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@amberpep Don't think of it as depending on them, but enjoying spending time together. We are leaving to visit our son next week, 2000 miles away. He bought a house and keeps stressing to me that he hopes we will come for extended visits. He and his girlfriend both work of course, so our days would be free, but we could enjoy them when they are available. No commitment necessary on how much time we expect from them. Your daughters and grandchildren are close enough to enjoy them like that when you are free and so are they. Take advantage of that. I wish either of mine was so close.
JK

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@amberpep

Hi Gail …. we've been divorced for 12 years, and I was doing really well in MD, but the move here, so close to where he lives was a huge mistake and totally upset the applecart for me. I see a new Psychiatrist Thursday and I'm sure for the first visit it will be 45 min. at least, and then next Monday I see my therapist in MD (yes, I still drive up 2x a month), whom I've been seeing for 12 years and has walked with me through all kinds of things. If I were still in MD I'd have no clue what he was doing, but down here, he's bound to come up in conversations my kids have with one another. I mentioned in another post that I talked with my Priest tonight after Vespers and that helped a lot. Apparently there's a lot of "bleeding folks" there.

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Hi, @amberpep – just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing?

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@amberpep

Just wanted to stop in and say hello as well, Abby. Just wondering, have you had any change in meds that might account for the low mood? I hope you are having a better day.

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