~ sadness ~

Posted by amberpep @amberpep, Sep 29, 2018

Hello everyone ….. I am struggling with something that should no longer be my business, and I need to share it. I live in Staunton, VA, between the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Appalachian Mountains. When I was still married, my now-X and I used to rent a house in Wintergreen (a resort very close by) in late summer or early Fall. We would enjoy the trails, the pool, the restaurants, the views, and long walks at night. Now that I am living so closely to Wintergreen, I just feel very sad about losing all that. And, on top of that (and I realize this is none of my business) I think my X is dating someone. Why does that bother me? I don’t know. But it all ties in with our Fall outings we used to take. Maybe after 40 years, you never quite get passed that sadness when someone else is taking your place. Now I don’t know this for sure, but from things, both said and unsaid, I am getting that sense.
My therapist once said to me (and I know some of you won’t agree with this) that it is easier if a spouse dies rather than getting divorced. I know that sounds cruel, but I’m believing it to be true. There’s just this heavy sadness that I fear I will never be without any longer …. this situation, on top of having moved here in the first place …. well, it’s just a very, very, sad and difficult time for me.
abby

Oh my Gail …. I've often thought about us pushing the Native American people out of their home land, and they could do little about it. And now a lot of them live in poverty. Talk about feeling depressed! Can you imagine how those people felt? men with families, wives and women with little babies. I don't know what we can do now, but it makes me realize how blessed and fortunate I am. The group starts Tuesday and I'm really looking forward to it. If its anything like the one I was in, in MD, it will be so helpful and very safe.
abby

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@gailb and everyone who is touched by the threat of homelessness, here is a thought:

Many senior citizens need help in one way or another. They would rather pay someone to do some chores they are unable to complete themselves.

There are even government agencies who will hire you to help these folks. This helps everyone. Just so.ething to look into.

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@gailb

@amberpep

I'm so happy you're doing better with your emotions, and love it that you're going to a support group. I spent many years participating in groups as a member and eventually as a facilitator/leader. I still miss the sharing that took place there, which is why I so appreciate Mayo Connect. The same qualities of open, honest, respectful, and helpful sharing exists here.

My friend had Cat Scratch Fever and it took a few months to recover her energy. Please take care of yourself around it. I love kitties, but am always alert to their scratching behavior. I'm so glad you saw your doctor! Please keep us in your life as you make new friends in your area. I finally after nearly 3 years, decided to go to the Senior Center in Yorba Linda where I live. I'm SO happy I did.

I signed up for a Yoga class for 13 weeks, and have met some very nice women there. Two women from India told me they are taking the Oil Painting class I wanted to take but was feeling intimidated about. They encouraged me to go, and last Wednesday I had my first class. I'm so excited and started my first small painting in many years. I'm far more abstract in my vision than the other 25 or people in the class, but I feel very happy about painting again. Three hours flew by in what seemed like 10 minutes. Many people in the class go to lunch after the class, and invited me to join them. Next week I will go to lunch with them. I have the phone number of Olga, one of the Indian women so we can get together any time.

Another area where I'm making lasting relationships is in political volunteering. I've joined a small group of like-minded men and women. We go to City Council meetings, meet monthly to plan our agenda, and I have made two friends with whom I will meet personally for lunch. I'm so happy I started taking action on my desire to meet people in my new home. I was scared as I said, but older people seem much more open to welcoming others into their lives. You may want to check out the Senior Center in your area. They serve nutritious lunches for $3 as well, and many things they do are free of cost.

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@gailb taking that first step is difficult but it sounds like it was well worth it. It’s great when we manage to make ourselves to do something, like going to a senior center, and it works out so well, which more often than not it does. There is no senior center in my town, but I think there is one in Manchester which is run by one of the hospitals but I’m not even sure about that.
I hope you continue to enjoy this new social outlet. My sister goes to a senior center in Her town and has met some nice people and really enjoys it too.
JK

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@kanaazpereira

Hi @amberpep,

Past relationships continue to have hold over us even when we think we've adjusted to a new life or moved on. Because your X and you enjoyed some special times together, it makes perfect sense to feel sad and resentful when he meets someone else. Like Teresa @hopeful33250, I'm also happy you shared your emotions here – many experts say that the first step to feeling better is admitting or being aware of how you're feeling.

At times like this we often look at the past through rose coloured spectacles; you tend to forget all the reasons you and your X parted, right? Try and surround yourself with your loved ones and keep busy – keep sharing with the Connect community – and things will start looking better.

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Hi Kanaaz … I keep reading and re-reading your note to me. It's very encouraging …. I never thought of the fact that they do seem to have a hold over us even when we think we've adjusted and moved on. I wonder if, after 40 years of marriage, with 3 great adult kids which we both raised together, I'll ever get passed it. And the fact that he only lives about 15-18 miles from here makes it more difficult. Rose colored glasses describes it perfect. My X was never a "romantic" guy – sort of hit the sack and take care of business. (I'm sorry if that's offensive). When I think of and see other husbands tell their wives how much they love them, they're beautiful, and they'd never have married anyone else …… it's really hurtful. Are there really men like that? I always felt like a maid, housekeeper, mother, laundress, and sex partner …. that was it. No words of tenderness.
I'm glad I have you post to keep. Thank you friend,
abby

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@amberpep

This nasty looking thing on my arm just won't heal so I went to a Med. Express today ….. it kept bleeding everytime it was bumped and just looks awful. Well, as I thought ….. it's cat scratch fever, and I'm to keep an eye on the other 2 spots where he scratched me. All that explains the headache and the extreme fatigue. The doctor gave me a tetanus shot, and Rx's for 2 different antibiotics. She said to take my temp. every day – at least once or twice. If the other 2 spots show any signs of it, to come right in, but they shouldn't since I'll be taking antibiotic. And I'm to shower with Dial soap!
Honestly! What in the world is going on ….. it's just been a series of "stuff" ever since I moved here!
abby

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How are you doing?

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Hi, @amberpep – I believe @pearlbaby7 is asking about your cat scratch fever and how your spirits are doing, and I'm also wondering. How are you?

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