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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ sadness ~

Posted by @amberpep, Sat, Sep 29 5:18pm

Hello everyone ….. I am struggling with something that should no longer be my business, and I need to share it. I live in Staunton, VA, between the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Appalachian Mountains. When I was still married, my now-X and I used to rent a house in Wintergreen (a resort very close by) in late summer or early Fall. We would enjoy the trails, the pool, the restaurants, the views, and long walks at night. Now that I am living so closely to Wintergreen, I just feel very sad about losing all that. And, on top of that (and I realize this is none of my business) I think my X is dating someone. Why does that bother me? I don’t know. But it all ties in with our Fall outings we used to take. Maybe after 40 years, you never quite get passed that sadness when someone else is taking your place. Now I don’t know this for sure, but from things, both said and unsaid, I am getting that sense.
My therapist once said to me (and I know some of you won’t agree with this) that it is easier if a spouse dies rather than getting divorced. I know that sounds cruel, but I’m believing it to be true. There’s just this heavy sadness that I fear I will never be without any longer …. this situation, on top of having moved here in the first place …. well, it’s just a very, very, sad and difficult time for me.
abby

REPLY

@amberpep

Abby, I'm glad that you chose Connect as a place to share your sadness. I understand. I hope you can realize that you have not been replaced – that can never happen. You are a special person for who you are.

If there is a new person in your X's life she just is just that, someone different – she can never replace you.

It is my hope that you can see yourself for all of your good qualities, including your sensitive spirit that can feel hurt and disappointment and be open about it.

Thank you for your kind response Teresa. I've never had a good opinion of myself, from childhood, through marriage. That was emphasized to me when pre-divorce I did get my now-X to a counselor with me ….. we went a brief time, and one time the therapist asked us to say a few good things about each other. I really didn't have any trouble, because although he is an N, he does have good qualities. When the therapist asked him about my good qualities, my X sat and thought awhile, and finally said, "she's a good mother." (I'm not minimizing that, I worked very hard to raise solid, grounded kids) The therapist then said, "and?" That was all my X could think of. That was the end …. I knew what he thought of me, and I was done. After 3 years of struggling to repair our marriage, and 40 years being married, that's all he could say. The next day I moved out.
abby

Hi amberpep
Across the miles all the way from Canada I can feel your pain and sorrow. Sometimes that is just how it is for us and
hopefully it will ease as time goes by. But so many of us I know are with you in spirit and I am sending you a hug and best wishes.
Ainsleigh

Hi @amberpep,

Past relationships continue to have hold over us even when we think we've adjusted to a new life or moved on. Because your X and you enjoyed some special times together, it makes perfect sense to feel sad and resentful when he meets someone else. Like Teresa @hopeful33250, I'm also happy you shared your emotions here – many experts say that the first step to feeling better is admitting or being aware of how you're feeling.

At times like this we often look at the past through rose coloured spectacles; you tend to forget all the reasons you and your X parted, right? Try and surround yourself with your loved ones and keep busy – keep sharing with the Connect community – and things will start looking better.

I don't mean to insult anyone, but this connect.mayoclinic.org area is great, except for one thing: there are no licensed health care professionals in here to answer questions. So, people just relay their opinions back and forth, and although it's great to have people to talk to…….this is why I prefer a basic chat room setting, because people are more likely to also discuss non-health care issues just to take a break from their health-related stress. The Connect Moderators seem very nice, but as far as I know, they are not licensed LPN's or even nurse's aides, are they?

@usernameca

I don't mean to insult anyone, but this connect.mayoclinic.org area is great, except for one thing: there are no licensed health care professionals in here to answer questions. So, people just relay their opinions back and forth, and although it's great to have people to talk to…….this is why I prefer a basic chat room setting, because people are more likely to also discuss non-health care issues just to take a break from their health-related stress. The Connect Moderators seem very nice, but as far as I know, they are not licensed LPN's or even nurse's aides, are they?

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Hello @usernameca You are correct in that Connect is a patient-to-patient, layperson's place to share experiences, ask about others' experiences, suggestions, hints, and tips. It is not designed as a platform for medical professionals to give medical advice, but as a place to share. I think as you watch and read more and more posts you might find that lots of folks here share many aspects of their lives. That is what brought me to Connect years ago at least.

Great to have you here and to read your point of view!

I just had lunch with one of my daughters …. she has the day off from work so we met, had lunch, and talked and talked. My kids are really dear … solid, ethical, and sound. I'm grateful for that. I outright asked her (gently) if Dad was seeing someone ….. she said there's a woman he dates now and then, but not all the time …. and she and her sister have met her so it's more than "now and then." Why in God's name should I care? I think after 40 years, there's those "rose colored glasses" Kanaaz spoke about, forgetting all the abuse. My family has rented a large house in a state park in WVa for several days, and my oldest daughter invited me to come alone. She told me Dad was going, so I would know. I said no …. there is no way I could do that … I'd spend my time in my room. This heaviness is just so profound right now that I wish I could talk to my therapist. Sure I could call him, but that's not the same. I will see him next Monday. I know there's nothing he can really do, but have some words of wisdom to soothe this ache. I so much wish I'd have never moved down here ….. I would have been much better off, emotionally, had I stayed in MD, but I can't go back. Moving cost me a fortune, I'd have to rent which is also extremely high up there, and everything is more expensive since it's considered a "sleeping suburb of D.C." I don't know why all of a sudden I feel so very sad about this, but I guess after 40 years, some of it is bound to creep in and "stay awhile" …. hopefully it will soon be over.
abby

It's 11:30 PM … very late for me to be up. It's been another rough day. I just feel so much like a "throw away" ….. I've done a good bit of writing for the passed 12 years – I call them "musings" …. they're not poems, nor stories …. just musings from the heart that overflow onto paper …. many of them do sound like poetry, but they're not. I just thought this afternoon, that one of them is called "The Throw-Away Doll." Another of my favorite Hans Christian Anderson stories is "The Little Matchgirl" ….. if any of you are familiar with that one, then you can probably understand why that connects with me.
Maybe it's time I just be gone ….. I've outlived my usefulness ……
abby

@amberpep

First, I need to know that you are OK. You are going through a huge transition right now. It takes longer as we get older. Don't give up. It's darkest just before the light!

You are a person and you deserve your space in this world. Please let me know you won't do anything to harm yourself.

@amberpep I am familiar with this book. I will not say pretty words as there are times when life just plain sucks. I was 24 years old when my own father blew his brains out. I know what this has done to me throughout the years. I have times opting out seems reasonable. I think about my adult children and do not what them to go through what I have and still do even after 43 years. No mother would want to do this to her children.

@usernameca

I don't mean to insult anyone, but this connect.mayoclinic.org area is great, except for one thing: there are no licensed health care professionals in here to answer questions. So, people just relay their opinions back and forth, and although it's great to have people to talk to…….this is why I prefer a basic chat room setting, because people are more likely to also discuss non-health care issues just to take a break from their health-related stress. The Connect Moderators seem very nice, but as far as I know, they are not licensed LPN's or even nurse's aides, are they?

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@usernameca Why I like mayo connect. Everyday people understand and for the most part congenial and do not think they are superior because they have some kind of license. The members here are kind and caring which once rarely find in the professional role where it is their trade.

@amberpep

Thank you for your kind response Teresa. I've never had a good opinion of myself, from childhood, through marriage. That was emphasized to me when pre-divorce I did get my now-X to a counselor with me ….. we went a brief time, and one time the therapist asked us to say a few good things about each other. I really didn't have any trouble, because although he is an N, he does have good qualities. When the therapist asked him about my good qualities, my X sat and thought awhile, and finally said, "she's a good mother." (I'm not minimizing that, I worked very hard to raise solid, grounded kids) The therapist then said, "and?" That was all my X could think of. That was the end …. I knew what he thought of me, and I was done. After 3 years of struggling to repair our marriage, and 40 years being married, that's all he could say. The next day I moved out.
abby

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@amberpep Why are you wanting to know about your now-X??? N's only care about themselves. I did therapy with an N-X and he loudly declared there were no problems in the marriage. These kind of people control others in this manner. Nothing is ever their fault. I am a highly sensitive person and his regime was his…Do I still feel like I failed as a mother and a wife??? Of course I do and will continue to feel this way to my dying day. They are delightful as long as they get their way. They are clever copiers of others and see themselves as original thinkers.

@amberpep

It's 11:30 PM … very late for me to be up. It's been another rough day. I just feel so much like a "throw away" ….. I've done a good bit of writing for the passed 12 years – I call them "musings" …. they're not poems, nor stories …. just musings from the heart that overflow onto paper …. many of them do sound like poetry, but they're not. I just thought this afternoon, that one of them is called "The Throw-Away Doll." Another of my favorite Hans Christian Anderson stories is "The Little Matchgirl" ….. if any of you are familiar with that one, then you can probably understand why that connects with me.
Maybe it's time I just be gone ….. I've outlived my usefulness ……
abby

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Abby I’m sure there are people who love you you are special please reach out to a mental health provider ASAP or your general practitioner listen to calming music go for a massage reach out to positive people you are important keep us informed

@amberpep

It's 11:30 PM … very late for me to be up. It's been another rough day. I just feel so much like a "throw away" ….. I've done a good bit of writing for the passed 12 years – I call them "musings" …. they're not poems, nor stories …. just musings from the heart that overflow onto paper …. many of them do sound like poetry, but they're not. I just thought this afternoon, that one of them is called "The Throw-Away Doll." Another of my favorite Hans Christian Anderson stories is "The Little Matchgirl" ….. if any of you are familiar with that one, then you can probably understand why that connects with me.
Maybe it's time I just be gone ….. I've outlived my usefulness ……
abby

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I CAN RELATE TO YOUR FEELINGS ! MANY DAYS MY THOUGHTS JUST GO FROM ONE NRG. ISSUE TO ANOTHER. I AM 68 YRS. OLD WITH HEALTH ISSUES. LIVE ALONE. MY GET UP AND GO HAS BEEN GONE NOW FOR A FEW YEARS. I GO TO THERAPY & COGNATIVE TREATMENTS. I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A PROCESS
IS SLOW AND I MUST KEEP TRYING. I JUST FEEL SO DOWN I HATE THE FEELINGS !

@gailb

@amberpep

First, I need to know that you are OK. You are going through a huge transition right now. It takes longer as we get older. Don't give up. It's darkest just before the light!

You are a person and you deserve your space in this world. Please let me know you won't do anything to harm yourself.

Jump to this post

You are so right Gail …. there has been so much happen in the passed 10 years that it makes my head spin … a divorce after the 40 years, a knee replacement and then a revision, the move down here ($12,000) which I just finished paying off, I live in a low income apartment because I essentially live on S.S.,I'm looking for a job, but when they see your age (73), they immediately seem to think you're incapable of doing much of anything. I'll do anything – money is money. Now that I found out my X is seeing someone, whom all 3 of my kids have met ….. well, it makes that sting much stronger …. always the message "you're not good enough, you're nuts, you're irrational and illogical, blah, blah, blah." We were in marriage counseling for 3 much which did nothing as he wouldn't speak a word about his inner feelings and thoughts. I have been seeing a Psychologist for 15 years (in MD) and still drive up every other week for an appt., and I have a Psychiatrist who evaluates and prescribes the medications. At 73, it's just more sometimes than I can handle … I want it all to end.
abby

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