~ sadness ~

Posted by amberpep @amberpep, Sep 29, 2018

Hello everyone ….. I am struggling with something that should no longer be my business, and I need to share it. I live in Staunton, VA, between the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Appalachian Mountains. When I was still married, my now-X and I used to rent a house in Wintergreen (a resort very close by) in late summer or early Fall. We would enjoy the trails, the pool, the restaurants, the views, and long walks at night. Now that I am living so closely to Wintergreen, I just feel very sad about losing all that. And, on top of that (and I realize this is none of my business) I think my X is dating someone. Why does that bother me? I don’t know. But it all ties in with our Fall outings we used to take. Maybe after 40 years, you never quite get passed that sadness when someone else is taking your place. Now I don’t know this for sure, but from things, both said and unsaid, I am getting that sense.
My therapist once said to me (and I know some of you won’t agree with this) that it is easier if a spouse dies rather than getting divorced. I know that sounds cruel, but I’m believing it to be true. There’s just this heavy sadness that I fear I will never be without any longer …. this situation, on top of having moved here in the first place …. well, it’s just a very, very, sad and difficult time for me.
abby

@amberpep

I'm happy to hear you talked with your priest and found it helpful. You and I both suffer from poor self esteem from past experiences. My first husband was totally non-expressive except when he was being critical or when he was drunk. He was a mean, obnoxious drunk. My friends all thought he didn't like them because he never ever spoke to them. When I look back at how he behaved and his inability to form close relationships, I've come to the conclusion that he is on the autism spectrum. His second grade teacher told his mother he was the coldest child she had ever taught. He couldn't spell or read and wouldn't have gotten his bachelor's degree without me writing all his papers and reading books to him. He wasn't slow, he just couldn't make sense of the letters. He was an outstanding artist, which is what drew me to him originally. I took responsibility for "making him happy" and changing his outlook on life. Of course that was never going to work, but it took several years of talk therapy for me to realize he was an alcoholic, and unable to express emotion. I left after 9 years of marriage. He's been married 3 times since I left, with bigger and bigger diamond rings for each wife, which always felt like a rejection to me. My diamond was 1/4 carat. LOL

Previously I compared myself to him all the time and I came out on the losing end. I stopped doing that after 5 years of being single and 3 years of my current marriage. He totally rejected our only child because Brad turned out to be gay. I couldn't understand how he could reject his only son! They still have no relationship and my son has tried for years, finally giving up. He has been through talk therapy and takes an antidepressant. My son has a PhD and 3 Masters Degrees. I love him and we have a good relationship.

I'm telling you all this because it's important for you to realize that you are a whole person without anyone else to define you. I and others on Mayo Connect can see and feel you and we care deeply about the person YOU are. Your children and grandchildren love you as you are and as you are not. Tell them not to talk about their dad because it upsets you now that you live so close. Take joy in your family and the fact that you can see them now. I have found that if I "choose things the way they are," rather than wishing things were different, I am able to work and live in the present rather than the past or future. I hope you are doing OK Abby and I'm glad you will see a new therapist as well as your long term therapist this coming week.

Please let me know how you're doing today.

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Abby, I’ve been where you are. Even though I was the one who decided to end the marriage, the pain was universal and lasting for all. I found the best path to healing and acceptance of the inevitable changes that ensue, was to concentrate entirely on the good memories of that union. This approach is what kept the bad feelings at bay and a smile on my face. By the way, I also eventually met the man of my dreams, and we are blessed with a loving, enduring marriage of 30 years.
There really can be a rainbow at the end of a storm, and I wish that for you as well. Feel free to reach out to me at any time if I can be of further help. And hats off to Mayo Clinic Connect for priding this forum!

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Abby! I don’t know how I forgot this, but we owned a home at the crest of Eagle Swoop at Wintergreen! What a huge coincidence that is!

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@annedodrill44

Abby! I don’t know how I forgot this, but we owned a home at the crest of Eagle Swoop at Wintergreen! What a huge coincidence that is!

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Hi Teresa …. I love Wintergreen, but knowing I'll never be up there again for several days with my now X is tough. I just enjoyed being there, the smells outside, walks at night ….. he liked them too, I guess, but his main focus was sex. And, I can see it from one of my daughter's homes!
abby

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Well, last week I saw my new Psychiatrist – he's down here and not in MD. I'd heard he was good, so I researched everything I could about him, and it all sounded like a fit. It was, thank the Lord. He is a very kindly soul, and told me that he doesn't believe in over medicating patients, but that he does feel he needs to give them what they truly need. He said the meds I'm on right now are what he would have Rx-d, but he did make one change …. instead of 1 Lamictal a day, he has me taking 3. I think that's a good call because of the probable Bipolar 2. Today is the first day and I know it will take awhile to feel any difference, but I'm willing to wait as long as it works. I see him in 3 more weeks. And, he's getting me into a group, much like the one I was in in MD … a conglomeration of patients with different situations, and basically they just share with each other their issues, and receive input. There is a group leader who also adds input ….. I am so much looking forward to that …. that group in MD helped me so much. It was amazing. We, all strangers, went into a room – about 12 of us or so, some with drug problems, some anxiety and depression, some Bipolar 1 and 2, one girl was just released from a private psychiatric institution, and another man was gay and married to a man. It was amazing ….. we all got in there, and out it all came …. no one was embarrassed, ashamed or anything about themselves. That went on for 4 weeks from 9-5. This one I'll be in is 4 weeks, 3 days a week from 9-12.
abby

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Thank you to everyone who wrote to me when I was in that deep dark hole. I'm doing some better – not "normal" which I don't ever. expect to be, but just not in that black hole.Believe me, I appreciated all your care for me …. I have read many of your posts over and over and I think they helped me see "reality" differently a bit. Again, thank you all friends ….. you are all treasures to me.
abby

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@amberpep

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me when I was in that deep dark hole. I'm doing some better – not "normal" which I don't ever. expect to be, but just not in that black hole.Believe me, I appreciated all your care for me …. I have read many of your posts over and over and I think they helped me see "reality" differently a bit. Again, thank you all friends ….. you are all treasures to me.
abby

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@amberpep hi! I’m Karen and boy, do I understand. Your sentence that “I will never be normal again” really hit me as I have had to come to that come conclusion, too. I felt free when I acknowledged that, but then I am normal for ME. So that’s what I tell myself. I am glad you are feeling a little better! My main longing is to have the energy everyone else does. I can barely brush my teeth everyday but I keep hope alive! I hope you continue moving forward!

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@amberpep

Well, last week I saw my new Psychiatrist – he's down here and not in MD. I'd heard he was good, so I researched everything I could about him, and it all sounded like a fit. It was, thank the Lord. He is a very kindly soul, and told me that he doesn't believe in over medicating patients, but that he does feel he needs to give them what they truly need. He said the meds I'm on right now are what he would have Rx-d, but he did make one change …. instead of 1 Lamictal a day, he has me taking 3. I think that's a good call because of the probable Bipolar 2. Today is the first day and I know it will take awhile to feel any difference, but I'm willing to wait as long as it works. I see him in 3 more weeks. And, he's getting me into a group, much like the one I was in in MD … a conglomeration of patients with different situations, and basically they just share with each other their issues, and receive input. There is a group leader who also adds input ….. I am so much looking forward to that …. that group in MD helped me so much. It was amazing. We, all strangers, went into a room – about 12 of us or so, some with drug problems, some anxiety and depression, some Bipolar 1 and 2, one girl was just released from a private psychiatric institution, and another man was gay and married to a man. It was amazing ….. we all got in there, and out it all came …. no one was embarrassed, ashamed or anything about themselves. That went on for 4 weeks from 9-5. This one I'll be in is 4 weeks, 3 days a week from 9-12.
abby

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@amberpep

I'm so happy for you that you connected with your new doctor and that he impressed you as "a very kindly soul." You deserve nothing less! I'm also pleased that you can be part of a group again. That should really help solidify you and give you the extra support that you need just now (and I'm sensing that you will also give support to the others in that group, too).

When will your group start? Will it be once a week?

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Hi, I pray that you feel comforted and you will get your second wind back, I know that I felt like that when my mother died of a terminal illness and I was so tired and sad but it's a time to rest up and know that everything happens for a reason, a learning experience, and I believe you will come out of this feeling well again. Time really does heal and you can take all the time you need. Feel better soon.

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@amberpep

Well, last week I saw my new Psychiatrist – he's down here and not in MD. I'd heard he was good, so I researched everything I could about him, and it all sounded like a fit. It was, thank the Lord. He is a very kindly soul, and told me that he doesn't believe in over medicating patients, but that he does feel he needs to give them what they truly need. He said the meds I'm on right now are what he would have Rx-d, but he did make one change …. instead of 1 Lamictal a day, he has me taking 3. I think that's a good call because of the probable Bipolar 2. Today is the first day and I know it will take awhile to feel any difference, but I'm willing to wait as long as it works. I see him in 3 more weeks. And, he's getting me into a group, much like the one I was in in MD … a conglomeration of patients with different situations, and basically they just share with each other their issues, and receive input. There is a group leader who also adds input ….. I am so much looking forward to that …. that group in MD helped me so much. It was amazing. We, all strangers, went into a room – about 12 of us or so, some with drug problems, some anxiety and depression, some Bipolar 1 and 2, one girl was just released from a private psychiatric institution, and another man was gay and married to a man. It was amazing ….. we all got in there, and out it all came …. no one was embarrassed, ashamed or anything about themselves. That went on for 4 weeks from 9-5. This one I'll be in is 4 weeks, 3 days a week from 9-12.
abby

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@amberpep I am so happy for you, it sounds like things are really looking up and you sound very positive. I am sure the group will help also. I hope you continue to let us know how things are going.
JK

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@amberpep

Well, last week I saw my new Psychiatrist – he's down here and not in MD. I'd heard he was good, so I researched everything I could about him, and it all sounded like a fit. It was, thank the Lord. He is a very kindly soul, and told me that he doesn't believe in over medicating patients, but that he does feel he needs to give them what they truly need. He said the meds I'm on right now are what he would have Rx-d, but he did make one change …. instead of 1 Lamictal a day, he has me taking 3. I think that's a good call because of the probable Bipolar 2. Today is the first day and I know it will take awhile to feel any difference, but I'm willing to wait as long as it works. I see him in 3 more weeks. And, he's getting me into a group, much like the one I was in in MD … a conglomeration of patients with different situations, and basically they just share with each other their issues, and receive input. There is a group leader who also adds input ….. I am so much looking forward to that …. that group in MD helped me so much. It was amazing. We, all strangers, went into a room – about 12 of us or so, some with drug problems, some anxiety and depression, some Bipolar 1 and 2, one girl was just released from a private psychiatric institution, and another man was gay and married to a man. It was amazing ….. we all got in there, and out it all came …. no one was embarrassed, ashamed or anything about themselves. That went on for 4 weeks from 9-5. This one I'll be in is 4 weeks, 3 days a week from 9-12.
abby

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@amberpep So glad to hear things are looking up for you! Knowing you have someone more local to help guide you, and not having to make that long drive, may also make a difference. Group work can be very rewarding, and as already mentioned by @hopeful33250 , you will no doubt be a great asset to the other attendees. Please let us know how things go for you, and know we are here for you in the cyberworld.
Ginger

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@amberpep

Well, last week I saw my new Psychiatrist – he's down here and not in MD. I'd heard he was good, so I researched everything I could about him, and it all sounded like a fit. It was, thank the Lord. He is a very kindly soul, and told me that he doesn't believe in over medicating patients, but that he does feel he needs to give them what they truly need. He said the meds I'm on right now are what he would have Rx-d, but he did make one change …. instead of 1 Lamictal a day, he has me taking 3. I think that's a good call because of the probable Bipolar 2. Today is the first day and I know it will take awhile to feel any difference, but I'm willing to wait as long as it works. I see him in 3 more weeks. And, he's getting me into a group, much like the one I was in in MD … a conglomeration of patients with different situations, and basically they just share with each other their issues, and receive input. There is a group leader who also adds input ….. I am so much looking forward to that …. that group in MD helped me so much. It was amazing. We, all strangers, went into a room – about 12 of us or so, some with drug problems, some anxiety and depression, some Bipolar 1 and 2, one girl was just released from a private psychiatric institution, and another man was gay and married to a man. It was amazing ….. we all got in there, and out it all came …. no one was embarrassed, ashamed or anything about themselves. That went on for 4 weeks from 9-5. This one I'll be in is 4 weeks, 3 days a week from 9-12.
abby

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I am so glad to hear you looking forward to events in your future! Keep going after the things that you know help you. I'm a believer in the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I hope your upward trend continues and you get what you need to keep that going. Give yourself some hugs from us.

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@pearlbaby7

I am so glad to hear you looking forward to events in your future! Keep going after the things that you know help you. I'm a believer in the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I hope your upward trend continues and you get what you need to keep that going. Give yourself some hugs from us.

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Something new ….. I think I'd better try to see my doctor tomorrow. After 2 weeks of dealing with this thing, and now finally reading about it and seeing pictures of it, I think I have Cat Scratch Disease. I took one of my cats to the Vet. 2 weeks ago – he's huge – 18 lb, so I wrap him up like a burrito. He wiggled out, scratched me on my right arm, right leg and upper left arm. The upper left arm formed a bump which looked sort of like a pimple. I tried to clean it out and it bled and bled …. this went on for about 5 days …. then I left it open at night to dry, same thing. Now it's the same, a little over 1/8" round blood blister looking thing, surrounded by a pale red ring. I'm going to go see my doctor tomorrow and if I can't get in I'll go to Med. Express except you have to pay outright in full at the time.
If it's not one thing it's another.
abby

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@amberpep

Something new ….. I think I'd better try to see my doctor tomorrow. After 2 weeks of dealing with this thing, and now finally reading about it and seeing pictures of it, I think I have Cat Scratch Disease. I took one of my cats to the Vet. 2 weeks ago – he's huge – 18 lb, so I wrap him up like a burrito. He wiggled out, scratched me on my right arm, right leg and upper left arm. The upper left arm formed a bump which looked sort of like a pimple. I tried to clean it out and it bled and bled …. this went on for about 5 days …. then I left it open at night to dry, same thing. Now it's the same, a little over 1/8" round blood blister looking thing, surrounded by a pale red ring. I'm going to go see my doctor tomorrow and if I can't get in I'll go to Med. Express except you have to pay outright in full at the time.
If it's not one thing it's another.
abby

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@amberpep Gosh, seems like it's just such a tumble of things going on right now, doesn't it? I hope you can get in to see your doctor tomorrow and that they can get to the bottom of that. Cat scratch fever is nothing to sneeze at! Let us know what happens.
Ginger

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@amberpep

Something new ….. I think I'd better try to see my doctor tomorrow. After 2 weeks of dealing with this thing, and now finally reading about it and seeing pictures of it, I think I have Cat Scratch Disease. I took one of my cats to the Vet. 2 weeks ago – he's huge – 18 lb, so I wrap him up like a burrito. He wiggled out, scratched me on my right arm, right leg and upper left arm. The upper left arm formed a bump which looked sort of like a pimple. I tried to clean it out and it bled and bled …. this went on for about 5 days …. then I left it open at night to dry, same thing. Now it's the same, a little over 1/8" round blood blister looking thing, surrounded by a pale red ring. I'm going to go see my doctor tomorrow and if I can't get in I'll go to Med. Express except you have to pay outright in full at the time.
If it's not one thing it's another.
abby

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@amberpep
Yes, please take care of that, and be well.

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