~ Lonesome ~

Posted by amberpep @amberpep, Oct 6, 2017

Hi everyone …. well, I’ve reached the end of my last nerve. About a year ago, I had to put my little dog down ….. she was a Cavalier, King Charles Spaniel, who was rescued from a puppy mill – she was 4 and had given birth to multiple liters. She never got out of the crate, and the day after I took her the mill was going to shoot her because she was no long producing what they wanted. She was a tri-color, and had the classical heart murmur. All Cavaliers have that, I guess from poor breeding practices ….. goes from level 1 to level 5. She was 11 when I had to put her to sleep. Well, you all know all the moving I’ve been doing … MD to VA, then another place in VA (which is quite unsafe I’m finding out). I have not been happy since I left my condo in MD. I’d lived in the Frederick, MD area for 30 years, and that move was a big mistake (now I know!). Well, I have 2 cats, but I so much miss that little girl. It’s been a year now, and I still can’t look at her picture without tearing up. So, I’ve been in touch with a Cavalier rescue group that lives quite close to where I used to live in MD, and I’m just praying that I can find one that I can both afford and whose murmur isn’t passed 2. I’m lonesome …. I have a neighbor who is a friend and she has a dog. My kids are great people, and do what they can and have time for to either come over, bring me some food, or go somewhere with me, but they all have lives and families and I cannot expect them to fill in the gap. I’m used to taking in a puppy mill rescue, as my Molly was afraid of grass when I got her, I had to teach her how to walk up steps, and for a long time anytime someone lifted an arm to scratch their head or anything like that, she’d duck and run. Obviously, she’d been abused along with everything else. I so hope I can get one ….. I need a loyal friend down here, and one of them would be perfect.
abby

@amberpep

GOOD NEWS …..Well in a few days I will be getting a dog …. no, not the Cavalier I wanted, but I just can’t afford them. This little fellow is a mix of a bassett hound and spaniel. The woman tells me he is a velcro-dog, which I LOVE. Everywhere I go, they go.
Wish me luck with my new little adoptee.
abby

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@amberpep

That’s great news! I know he’s going to be great companionship for you.

Jim

@amberpep

GOOD NEWS …..Well in a few days I will be getting a dog …. no, not the Cavalier I wanted, but I just can’t afford them. This little fellow is a mix of a bassett hound and spaniel. The woman tells me he is a velcro-dog, which I LOVE. Everywhere I go, they go.
Wish me luck with my new little adoptee.
abby

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@amberpep enjoy your new little dog. How old is he? I’m jealous, I wish I could have the company of a pet.
JK

@parus

Where to go from here. Trust is like rust in old water pipes. Once the water flows it is gone.

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@amberpep I’m happy you realize that not all men are like that. Thankfully there are some good ones out there.
JK

T’would rather be lonely than listening to drama. Drama, drama everywhere and not a drop of serenity to savor. Have enough to do dealing with the mundane and crawling through hoops of those in control. Beware the tangled webs others can create.

I could use a pet at times. Not realistic as I could not properly care for one anymore. Poor health and pain is a lonely way to exist. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

@parus

I could use a pet at times. Not realistic as I could not properly care for one anymore. Poor health and pain is a lonely way to exist. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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If you are able to get out you could visit your local shelter or dog park to interact with animals. Just a thought.

@parus

I could use a pet at times. Not realistic as I could not properly care for one anymore. Poor health and pain is a lonely way to exist. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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@parus Hi Parus… I have a parakeet (budgie) and they are wonderful company. I talk to him all the time and he mimics what you say. So you have to be careful what you say LOL. He's always talking and loves to socialize. Cheap and easy to look after. Fresh food and water every morning and can change again if it get's low or the water is dirty. I bought a male one because they supposedly talk more.
Just a suggestion… I am a loner and talking to someone really helps. Don't have much friends. Take care my dear. Hugs 🙂

I have 2 fur babies and while I love them they do not quell the loneliness of human contact.

WELL, I'M BACK AGAIN …… I keep wondering if we ever totally get over the relationship (or non-relationship) we had with the N. Today the family and I (my kids, their spouses, kids, etc.) went to my X-N's house to celebrate everyone's birthday. I'm the only one who has a winter birthday. I enjoyed myself as everyone was there and my X always makes a nice picnic meal. He's built a big house on 3 acres of land, has his friends there at least once or twice a month (most of these people were our friends when we were married, but once he lied and told them that I was having an affair with my therapist, that was it …… they dropped me like a hot potato!) I could hardly believe he'd go that low ….. naieve' I guess. When I'm around him for family affairs, I look at him and wonder "how could he do that?" ….. and I don't just mean that lie, but his treatment of me? And why in the world did I put up with it and not recognize what was happening until my therapist suggested a book for me to read …… "Trapped in the Mirror" …… that opened my eyes. So there he is in his fancy house on his big chunk of land, having all our friends down to visit, and here I am living in a low income apartment with no real friends here – they're all still in the state I came from. He sleeps with his windows unlocked, doors not bolted, and I sleep with 2 bolts, 1 doorknob lock, and a big thick metal bar that weighs about 10 pounds that I jam up under the door handle. As my lawyer said, after 40 years of being married, staying at home for most of it raising out kids, I could have skinned him alive, but, at that time I had my own money until I ran into a crooked Investment Adviser who was running a ponzi scheme. Oh well, no sense going over it in my mind over and over again ….. it's over and done with.
abby

@amberpep Nothing quite like having your face smeared with how the better half lives. N-exes do exist. Remind yourself how much better off without him. Nothing is ever their fault and they go to the extreme to prove they are always right.
Hard to not have the past pummel us. Take care.

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

@amberpep

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

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What about joining a Meetup group there are groups with dogs research it on internet

@amberpep

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

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@amberpep If you miss Frederick so much you really should move back there rather than being miserable. It’s a nice location (we used to go through there on our way to Mary Washington College where my daughter went) and even stayed there one time. I am sure if you explained to your daughters that you are lonely, that you completely understand that they are busy with their own lives, but you need to do what is best for YOU, that they would understand. How far is where you are now from Frederick? If it’s not too far then they can certainly visit every week or two, and if they have room you could of coures spend a couple of days with them occasionally. We always had my mother-in-law here for two nights every two weeks. DON’T BE MISERABLE, THINK OF YOURSELF.
I would love to see a picture of your new dog. What did you name her? We had a Blenheim cavalier named Keller — Gaelic for “little companion” and he certainly was. He lived to an unbelieveable 14!
JK

@amberpep

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

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I am where I am because of allowing others make choices for me. Now I am out of options. Stuck here in the slums. One grandson and can no longer tolerate being compared to his mother's family. Love is not enough. I am not enough either. Fed up with the games. My mother was always right-divorce a man and you will go to hell. I have no friends here. I stay to myself as I fear being used again and I have little to give. In a terrible place and not at all being encouraging. It is up to me to deal with things. I loved my children's father but could not please him. Everyone bowed down when he entered. His body language blared out to look at him. Now I am all the family my son has and I am not good enough. Never have been and never will be. Stuff happens. All my life I heard about how I was too sensitive. I have tried not to be so sensitive and I can't change into a hard-shelled person.
At least I have a roof over my head, not in debt, can still drive, am still ambulatory-trying hard to be positive about my life.
My life is full of "should haves" too. Stuck here surrounded by noise and crime. This is all my fault. Out of options. Did this to myself so it is only "me" that is responsible.
Got to keep pushing through so I do not end up in a nursing home to rot and die.

@amberpep

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

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Hi parus …. you and I are in similar boats ….. the boat of "would've, should've, could've." It's an endless cycle, but I just feel so bad and useless here. I don't know if you know the story of my divorce from my narcissistic husband of 30 years, but I feel so alone I am almost tempted to call him and see if he'd like to go to Wintergreen (a lovely skiing, hiking, swimming) set up with beautiful homes to rent …. some huge, some cottages. Now THAT's desperate. But, I'd be thinking only of fun and a little bit of closeness, he'd be thinking of round the clock sex ….. at least that's how he was.
Both my girls are trained Social Workers working with Geriatric patients. ….. they love old people and they love to go visit them. One daughter even takes her young daughter with her to visit this woman in a nursing and they play scrabble.
Not me ….. that scares the bejeebers out of me. Truly, at times with life being as it is, I do occasionally think of ending it all.
abby

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