~ Lonesome ~

Posted by amberpep @amberpep, Oct 6, 2017

Hi everyone …. well, I’ve reached the end of my last nerve. About a year ago, I had to put my little dog down ….. she was a Cavalier, King Charles Spaniel, who was rescued from a puppy mill – she was 4 and had given birth to multiple liters. She never got out of the crate, and the day after I took her the mill was going to shoot her because she was no long producing what they wanted. She was a tri-color, and had the classical heart murmur. All Cavaliers have that, I guess from poor breeding practices ….. goes from level 1 to level 5. She was 11 when I had to put her to sleep. Well, you all know all the moving I’ve been doing … MD to VA, then another place in VA (which is quite unsafe I’m finding out). I have not been happy since I left my condo in MD. I’d lived in the Frederick, MD area for 30 years, and that move was a big mistake (now I know!). Well, I have 2 cats, but I so much miss that little girl. It’s been a year now, and I still can’t look at her picture without tearing up. So, I’ve been in touch with a Cavalier rescue group that lives quite close to where I used to live in MD, and I’m just praying that I can find one that I can both afford and whose murmur isn’t passed 2. I’m lonesome …. I have a neighbor who is a friend and she has a dog. My kids are great people, and do what they can and have time for to either come over, bring me some food, or go somewhere with me, but they all have lives and families and I cannot expect them to fill in the gap. I’m used to taking in a puppy mill rescue, as my Molly was afraid of grass when I got her, I had to teach her how to walk up steps, and for a long time anytime someone lifted an arm to scratch their head or anything like that, she’d duck and run. Obviously, she’d been abused along with everything else. I so hope I can get one ….. I need a loyal friend down here, and one of them would be perfect.
abby

@amberpep

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

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Hi parus …. you and I are in similar boats ….. the boat of "would've, should've, could've." It's an endless cycle, but I just feel so bad and useless here. I don't know if you know the story of my divorce from my narcissistic husband of 30 years, but I feel so alone I am almost tempted to call him and see if he'd like to go to Wintergreen (a lovely skiing, hiking, swimming) set up with beautiful homes to rent …. some huge, some cottages. Now THAT's desperate. But, I'd be thinking only of fun and a little bit of closeness, he'd be thinking of round the clock sex ….. at least that's how he was.
Both my girls are trained Social Workers working with Geriatric patients. ….. they love old people and they love to go visit them. One daughter even takes her young daughter with her to visit this woman in a nursing and they play scrabble.
Not me ….. that scares the bejeebers out of me. Truly, at times with life being as it is, I do occasionally think of ending it all.
abby

Liked by Parus

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@amberpep

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

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((My computer just erased everything I wrote …… grrrrrrr)) I'm looking for a part time job, but though they tell you that "age doesn't matter …. that's a lot of bologna. They ask you when you graduated from H.S. I should say something like when I was 8 and let them think I'm a savant! I don't think I could afford Frederick anymore. I had my condo and HoA, plus all the utilities, and my son helped me a bit too. Now? Probably not. I've been looking or low-income housing in Frederick, but unfortunately up there, the low income housing areas are where the murders, knifings all take place. Can't seem to win. My girls would really be upset, but they have no idea what this is like. An active, healthy, energetic 73 year old cannot just leave a place she loves and is busy and move to a town where she can't even find her own type of church. They love it here, but then they've been here since they got married, and they have a husband, and one of them has 2 kids. What do I have ….. my dog and 2 cats.
My dog is named Ginger. I had all sorts of Gaelic names listed for her, but one look at that tiny face with her red head and ears, and it could be nothing but Ginger. She's real sweetie but I'm having a problem with her right now ….. since she was spayed last week (she's 7 months) she's just poops in the house! She knows she's done wrong because when I find it, her head is hanging low. I don't have a yard for her to run in. She is the result of 2 Cockaliers (I think that's the spelling) . Breeders are trying to breed out of the Cavies that awful heart condition, so they breed a Cavie and a cocker spaniel = Cockalier. Both her parents were Cockaliers.
Take care my friend …. great to hear from you.
abby

Liked by Parus

REPLY
@amberpep

Hi all …. well, and I may have told you this, but for Mother's Day my 3 kids went together and got me a Cocklatier …. it's a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. Cavaliers are usually born with a heart murmur, which ultimately becomes congestive heart failure stage 5 and then they must be put to sleep. With the breeding of the Cocker Spaniel and Cavalier, reputable breeders are trying to breed out the heart problem. My dog is the result of 2 Coclatiers, so hopefully she'll avoid any heart problems. I couldn't believe it when they got her for me.
Well, I'm isolating again. I see my girls each once a week, and I can't expect more as one works, and the other will start full time once her kids are in school. I have 1 friend in my building, a nice lady. Otherwise here I sit.
If I'd have known what I know now I'd have never moved down here. Guess I'm just MD through and through. It's not that far apart, but it is totally different – I'm in the far, far west right next to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's pretty, but usually the mountain are clothed in mist or fog. I know this is probably only natural since he's (my X) is down here too and has spend several years with the grandkids, but when he walks in the world stops! They run to him, hug him and start to chatter. When I walk in, they're usually playing in their rooms, eventually my granddaughter comes down (she's13), and probably if I didn't say hi first she wouldn't either, but I always make a point of going up to her and giving her a hug. Her little brother is about the same. My X has managed to get himself involved in EVERYTHING …. hiking groups, tennis groups, he leads a Scout Troop, totally involved in his church. To hear him say it, "everyone just loves him." (the narcissist's mantra). But, I never gave it a thought, when I was trying to decide whether to move down here or not, that he lived in the area too, and the affect that would have on me. We get along, but with him living here now too, well, it's just sickening.
With this Bipolar 2, I have ups and downs and this doesn't help. I'm looking for a job, so hopefully that will open up more "people" resources.
I am SO SORRY that I ever moved here. I should have stayed in Frederick. I'm sure a lot of you are sick of hearing this, but I don't have anyone else to talk to this frankly. To think this is where I'll be forever, almost makes me feel sick. I just cannot move back to MD as it would really upset my 2 daughters, but they just don't get it. I'd have to rent low income, as I do here, because I sold my condo (at a loss), and I could never afford the rent in one of the nicer neighborhoods. But at least I'd be back in a place I'd lived for 30 years and loved. Thanks for listening, again, to my never-ending saga.
abby

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@amberpep If I may,I don't think a fling with the ex is a good idea-I was married to an NPD for 14 years. I have always enjoyed older people. I cannot go visit any I know that are there. Sends me reeling. Terrified I may end there and I won't let that happen whatever it takes. My children's father won by having money. He left them well off and this is as it should be since he lied to get custody so long ago. I have a grandson I adore as he does me for now.
You are desperate if you are thinking some fun time with the N-ex. May be fun at the time????? Yeah, with life being as it is I too think about ending it as I am no longer of use to anyone. Mostly I have failed myself. All anyone has to say positive about me is she can draw and paint. That is all they see. Get so fed up hearing it I want to take every piece of art work to the dumpster. If this is the only positive thing they can say about me it is sad. I think of ending it as my father did. I am not that brave at this point and I don't own a gun. I know the guilt that still gouges my being as a survivor. Uncomfortable.
Well, this is not exactly being supportive and ought not to go in the ending it all direction. Everything ended long ago I try to dismiss my abusive past and excuse the abusers and know if I cannot forget it will continue destroying me even more. Have 2 younger sisters that are doing well with husbands nearing retirement. Their children love them and their spouses. They do family stuff. My children have never seen the dark side of me. I always present with a positive attitude and smiling face. Their spouses all have large families that love and enjoy one another. I am too old and having chronic pain does not help. Okay veering off.
If you do have a fling I will be cheering you on and hoping the fallout does not hurt you more.
My apologies to any member if this is too real. I try to be more positive and there are times I get a tad scattered and shattered.

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Some of you have talked about your pets and how they are helpful for companionship and with feeling lonesome. It would be great to hear how you are doing, and I'm guessing others here would also be interested and may have updates on themselves or their animals.

@desirea – how are you doing? How is your pet parakeet?

@kj57 – how are your fur babies? How are you?

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No longer have pets as there are days I would be unable to care for one and if something happens to me there would be one more thing to deal with for someone else. Non-living things can go to the trash whereas a pet to deal with is a whole other area.
I do miss having one though and enjoy the sharing by other members. A dog would be nice for company and helping me feel safe.

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@lisalucier Thank You for asking about my parakeet, Baby. He's a sweetheart of a companion. Very social and he's the only one I talk to mostly daily. He's easy to take care of and also cheap on food etc. Buy him a few toys and he plays with them all day. I have taught him to speak quite a few things and he also sings, in his own way. I am teaching him to say trick or treat atm. Right now he's at my brothers because I am going into surgery tomorrow on my right artery in my neck. A piece of plaque has broken up and floating around. My left artery is 80% clogged so I hope the surgeon has picked the right artery to operate on. I worry I won't be walking out of the hospital!! I am terrified. Off subject (sorry). I love my parakeet and if anyone would like to get one for companionship, get a male, they talk more.

Love you all, Lorraine 🙂

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@desirea Thank you for sharing about your sweet Baby. They do provide company and are superb listeners and can become articulate as well Can your Baby whistle tunes??? I once had a cockatiel that could whistle tunes and talk a blue-streak. I saw him in a pet store in a cage without food or water like the other birds. I asked to have him taken from the cage and the employee had not a clue how to handle a bird. I did buy him and realized on the way home he had a deformed foot. Turns out the little fella was physically disabled. I saved him from being killed. I designed his cage by making it handicapped accessible. He was a joy to have and what he lacked physically he made up for in personality!!!
Thank you Lorraine for this happy memory.

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@parus Bless your soul for saving him!! No, I haven't tried to teach him whistle tunes. He's a good whistler. I will try and do that parus. Thank You and happy that I made you happy. Your a dear heart and wish you well. Hugs!

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@desirea

@lisalucier Thank You for asking about my parakeet, Baby. He's a sweetheart of a companion. Very social and he's the only one I talk to mostly daily. He's easy to take care of and also cheap on food etc. Buy him a few toys and he plays with them all day. I have taught him to speak quite a few things and he also sings, in his own way. I am teaching him to say trick or treat atm. Right now he's at my brothers because I am going into surgery tomorrow on my right artery in my neck. A piece of plaque has broken up and floating around. My left artery is 80% clogged so I hope the surgeon has picked the right artery to operate on. I worry I won't be walking out of the hospital!! I am terrified. Off subject (sorry). I love my parakeet and if anyone would like to get one for companionship, get a male, they talk more.

Love you all, Lorraine 🙂

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@desirea Hi Lorraine. Wishing you a speedy recovery after your surgery tomorrow. Hugs to you and Baby.

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@windwalker Thank You very much for your well wishes and Hugs back from me and Baby! 🙂

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Hi all ….. it's been a year now and for this passed Mother's Day my kids all pitched in and got me a Cockalier …. a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a Cavalier. They're trying to breed the heart problem out of the Cavies. My kids are just wonderful to me …. this was from a Cockalier breeder …. only a few in the country. This is the kind of thing that would make it impossible to move back to MD. The kids obviously love me and do sweet things like this. I still miss my condo in MD, but I think it's slowly fading. I am so thankful for that!
abby

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@parus

@desirea Thank you for sharing about your sweet Baby. They do provide company and are superb listeners and can become articulate as well Can your Baby whistle tunes??? I once had a cockatiel that could whistle tunes and talk a blue-streak. I saw him in a pet store in a cage without food or water like the other birds. I asked to have him taken from the cage and the employee had not a clue how to handle a bird. I did buy him and realized on the way home he had a deformed foot. Turns out the little fella was physically disabled. I saved him from being killed. I designed his cage by making it handicapped accessible. He was a joy to have and what he lacked physically he made up for in personality!!!
Thank you Lorraine for this happy memory.

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I just love your story about adopting a disabled cockatiel, @parus. I can just imagine your creativity in making an accessible cage for the disabled bird, how perfectly wonderful. Did you ever draw any pictures of the little guy?

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@desirea – with your surgery tomorrow on your artery in your neck, would you post when you feel up to it and let those in this discussion know how you are doing?

Hope Baby, your parakeet, and your brother have a nice time together.

@amberpep – how is the Cockalier doing?

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@desirea

I'm sorry to hear you must have surgery on your right carotid artery tomorrow. You shared that you are terrified, and I would be as well. They do need to take care of that loose plaque though, so that's good. Will they operate on the left artery as well after you've recovered from the current surgery? I'm asking because I know I have some blocking of my left carotid artery that may require work in the future. I will look forward to hearing about your recovery from the surgery.

I had 2 wood finches in the past, but they both died because I bought the wrong bird seed for them. Such sweet birds. I felt like a murderer after I found out why they died. I just felt awful for a long time. I won't have birds as pets now since I did that. I just didn't know and the bird man didn't tell me what to feed them. I'm glad you have a parakeet. I always loved those when I was little. I have 3 kitties–actually they are my step-daughter's–and I dearly love them. I have had kitties for about 40 years off and on. They are great companions for me. They are a little posse' and follow me around all the time like puppies. LOL

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hoping for the very best outcome.

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