I recently talked to my caregiver “coach” and asked if I should start looking at potential facilities for my husband and get his input on his preferences in preparation for the day when I can no longer safely care for him at home. Her advice was NOT to involve him in any of the decision making. Her point was that he really isn’t able to clearly understand and communicate his preferences or understand the complexities that need to be weighed in making the decision. Talking to him about it will only make him anxious and upset. Her advice was to do the research and make the decision on my own and when the time comes, just tell him what is going to happen. While this path seems so “wrong” because it is different from how we as a couple always made decisions, I know in my heart it is the right and best thing to do for him and for me. He really can’t help me make important decisions anymore, and trying to pull him into them only creates confusion, anxiety and upset for him.
I don’t know if this type of approach will help you in your situation, but it may be something to consider. At the end of the day, you are responsible for his well being as well as your own, not him. He is a vulnerable adult with decision making impairment so it will ultimately be you who has to decide and then manage the situation.
Talk about it with other trusted and knowledgeable people, weigh the pros and cons, then you can make a good decision based on what is best for you and your family.
All the best to you as you walk this difficult path!