Mayo Clinic Connect
I too suffer from PTSD and chronic depression. During the ’80s and early ’90s, I suffered from tremendous pain in my back and down my right leg. I had had two back surgeries when I was 17 and 18; one was for a spinal tumor. After my second surgery, the pain down my leg came back. By that time I had moved to a different town, so I went to see a neurologist. He told me all I had was a cyst on my spine and it shouldn’t be causing me any pain. I asked him whether it could be another tumor, and of course, he said no. So I went home and tried to deal with my pain. I saw him several times more over the next seven years, telling him that my pain was getting much worse each time I saw him. I also saw a handful of other doctors trying to find the reason for my pain. They all told me it was all in my head, or I was looking for attention, or I was just looking for pain pills. Finally, after seven years of agonizing pain, and taking 56 Advil a day for the pain, I landed in the emergency room throwing up blood from a bleeding ulcer from all the Advil. The nurse gave me the name of another neurologist to see. So I went to him, and he did an MRI on my spine. What came back really threw me for a loop. I indeed had another spine tumor, this one was the size of three large grapefruits, and when it was finally removed, it weighed 8 pounds. Because the tumor was so large, I had to have one surgery on my back and one surgery from the front, because it had grown through my sacrum and into my pelvis. They had to cut the nerve roots at the spine so that the tumor would not grow back. Because of that, I could no longer walk. My right leg would not work. During that time I was in pain, and the doctors telling me it was all in my head, my family didn’t believe that I was really in pain. I spent seven years living in my room never leaving to go anywhere and angry as hell that I had to live that way. It has taken me 26 years to deal with all I went through, but I still can’t get past the anger I feel towards all the doctors who wouldn’t believe that I was in so much pain. I have had to have seven spine surgeries in all, with my last one being in 2016. I now have to walk with a cane and have so much metal in my spine just to hold it upright. I hurt my back when I was 16 and am now 52 and still dealing with pain and anger. Of course, it’s not the same pain I had back then, but I still have to live with pain every day. And now with the crack down on people with chronic pain and getting the medicine we need just to live a normal life because, of course, all of us with chronic pain abuse our pain meds, I might not be able to get the pain medication I need. It is really frustrating. Thank you all for letting me vent. It does help to get this off my chest.
dear magspierce, i have a similar background. to yours. horrible. for me, the worst part is the loneliness that goes along with my story. the animals help very much. also keeping as busy as i can. wish there were other ways to heal that would fit in with the different lifestyles we live. anyway, keep smiling. i have made it to age 80. so far, so good. take care.
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@magspierce, my dogs have been a lifeline to me, as well. We heard about a newborn runt of the litter who was the last pup left because people didn’t select him until I showed up the day before he was going to be put down. He died February of ’16. He was an accidental Aussie/Border Collie mix, and was loved for 9 years. I trained him to be my service dog, and losing him to a possible stroke was really, really difficult. I planted a garden bed over his grave. I still grieve. A month after Barnabas (which means son of encouragement in the Bible) died, my wife and I stopped by the local humane society shelter and met my new service dog, Sadie. She means a lot to me, even more than our other pet dog, in a different way, and she’s always with me. It’s amazing how much therapy an animal can provide.
Liked by magspierce
I surely am not alone.
I also had abuse when I was a child, have you ever heard of CPTSD (Complex). I don’t believe it’s recognized but when I read it it was exactly me! It was PTSD but just a little different. It’s not a matter of one incident it’s a matter of constant abuse over time. There are support groups out there that have helped me understand and help me work my way back and learning to trust , I do not fear every person that comes into my life.
Just thought I would mention it
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, Kanaaz Pereira, Connect Moderator
Welcome, and thank you for the information. Does the “C” stand for childhood? I wasn’t abused by anyone as a child, other than some bullying in school, but suffered trauma by employers, and people who slandered me and spread libelous false rumors about me, and exposure to some grizzly things as an EMT. Civilian PTSD. I was never in the military, but sometimes I wish I had.
I’m alarmed by the statistics of childhood trauma and abuse. It’s always existed, and maybe we’re just becoming more aware of it, but I’m saddened and angry when I read or hear what horrific treatment is heaped on innocent children, and on adults, as well. I’m sorry that you were so damaged as a child. I know that there are things that we can’t simply put behind us, but they continue to haunt us long after the abuse stopped. You’re wise, as well as fortunate, to have made the progress you have. That’s surely a very difficult process that often takes a lifetime to achieve. I’ve been helped over the past decade by several good therapists, as well as the loving support of my wife, and by the companionship and therapy provided by my service dogs. I hope that you will continue to experience healing.
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, Kanaaz Pereira, Connect Moderator, magspierce
@wendllzmom I too have CPTSD (Complex Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, for those not familiar with it) stemming to my multiple instances of abuse as a child and young adult. Glad you found support groups that have helped you understand and learn to trust again. I too have found a support group & an excellent psychologist that helps me on my road to recovery.
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, Wendallzmom
Jim, the C stands for Complex, meaning from multiple experiences of abuse and trauma. In case you haven’t found out yet what it stands for. 🙂
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor
dear wendell. thank you for this information. first time i have heard of this cptsd. would really, really want and need to go to a support group. i will try to find it on the internet. wonderful and thanks again. as this went on into my teens. many years, many, many. even to this day if i would have anything to do with any family members. lonely.@@
Wow! I never heard of that either, but it sure makes sense. Are there any groups for this or is this something to discuss with our own therapist?
Thanks for the information. I’d say that it’s pretty complex for me, with each event building on the previous ones over the course of my life. Even dealing with the disorder is traumatic sometimes. As my therapist says, anxiety about anxiety, depressed about depression. Trauma about trauma. I have to be attentive to that because it’s so true for me.
I’m sorry you’re so lonely, Barb peach. Trouble with loneliness is that we can be lonely even though we’re surrounded by people. We do need each other, don’t we. I’ve discovered that even connecting with people online can relieve loneliness.
Liked by Kanaaz Pereira, Connect Moderator, magspierce
For anyone living w/ PTSD symptoms vary. I had some terrible experiences w/ therapists and this did nothing but increase my symptoms. I was misdiagnosed and loaded up w/ anti psychotics which were so wrong-One therapist ended up w/ a 99 year suspension on her license and is still harassing and stalking me which is so difficult. I moved once and she found me…I did not file the charges against this therapist.
Living in fear is not the way to live out the rest of my life…I live in fear for my family too. I don’t know where 2 of my adult children live because of this mess w/ someone that was supposed to be helping…I find it hard to trust.
I have grand children too. I live in fear for them. This sicko caused much harm to others as well. One less predator in the mental health system.
Maybe I can get some help from others. I grew up being abused and did not know as I partitioned by brain into other parts and did not need to deal…now I am trying to have some kind of life and fear has driven me back from others.
I can understand that some have been helped by the mental health system…I don’t think there is help there or anywhere.
That was negative and also true.
I’m so sorry @parus for all that you have gone through. Especially with your therapist, someone you trusted. That is so wrong what she is doing. I’m glad her license were suspended. You should not have to put up with that kind of treatment. You might contact the behavioral science regulatory board in your area, if that’s what it’s called in your state. I had a very negative experience with a psychologist many years ago, and he had his license suspended for a time because of his treatment of me.
I can sure understand your not thinking there is help out there, but I want to encourage you to continue to try to find a therapist who has your best interest in mind and that you feel safe and comfortable with. I went years without seeing a therapist after my negative experience, but out of determination to feel better, I started looking for someone again and was fortunate to find a very caring and ethical one. Because there ARE good ones out there too! Best of luck!
Liked by GailBL, Volunteer Mentor, Parus
i would like to put my 2 cents into this please. i agree with all of you. have experienced this first hand. most (or all) of these (people) have many different kinds of mental defects. after they get a degree in these areas it gives them the privelage to abuse people with such enjoyment. realize where they are coming from, know that they know what they are doing or trying to do to you. there are many of these people on this planet. sometimes they are caught. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND SHAME ON THEM. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO YOURSELF AND TO THE WORLD. (WHAT A SHAME IT IS FOR THE VERY WONDERFUL AND CARING THERAPISTS). with love peachbarb
Peaches, @magspierce Jim
I understand that. I have had to go no contact with my narcissistic mother and family of flying monkeys that aided in her horrible physical & verbal snd mental abuse.
Walking away from my whole family and getting healthy was the best thing that I ever did. I have found my own family. In my life blood is NOT thicker than water
And the hardest thing after was figuring out how not to run away like a bat out of hell every time I felt uncomfortable. And I felt uncomfortable a lot! When you are a child and the very people that are supposed to give you love and protection are your abusers, trust and self worth are only words to you.
Just know that you can get through it…and little by little you learn how to let people get past that wall of protection that you have built up around you.
There is a website called Out of the Storm, the first time I read the pages, I just couldn’t stop crying with every word I found I wasn’t alone in my pain… and just knowing that made me stronger.
Google complex PTSD quotes and you will see you are not alone! There are number of sites and blogs that can start you in the right direction with advice on things like how to find a therapist who understands the “complex”.
((( hug))) to all of you!
Liked by Jim, Volunteer Mentor, magspierce
I like the tiny taste of your watercolors. It would be nice to see more. I imagine it’s good therapy, though it’s not something I’ve ever tried. I find knitting therapeutic, as well as gardening, playing the piano, going to church, housepainting, shopping (especially thrift stores) and going for drives.
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, GailBL, Volunteer Mentor
Thank you for your encouragement. I’m going to try to remember to talk about complex PTSD. I don’t know if I’ll have time at my next appointment on Thursday because I already have some important issues to begin working through, but I’ll put it on my list of things to talk with the doctor about. I keep a list in Evernote on my phone.
I know that many people have had to break away from their toxic families. As you said, it’s not natural. They’re the people we’re supposed to turn to and lean on, who never stop loving us. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work out that way every time.
As children, we were a very close family, but as we grew up and had families of our own, we kind of drifted apart. Not that we stopped loving each other, but the next generation became our primary focus. I was the last holdout to get a computer and get reconnected online, and then on cell phones. I feel more connected with my siblings now than I did for a long time. I can’t really imagine what it would be like never to see or hear from them again. It’s good that you have other families.
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