1. < Loss & Grief

Recent, totally sudden, traumatic loss of our daughter, 45.

Posted by Kathi @ihtak46, Aug 2, 2019

I just returned from our girls week at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. Every year I visit her for girls week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened.
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

Kathi | @ihtak46 | Sep 9, 2019
In reply to @georgette12 "@Ihtak46. Hello. This is just a hello and I'm saying a prayer for you. Grief is..." + (show)
@georgette12

@ihtak46. Hello. This is just a hello and I'm saying a prayer for you. Grief is a unique process for each of us. It's been 3 years and I wear his sweatshirt and his cologne is in my drawer. I spray some on my wrist now and then. I have gone through each and everything you describe. I continue to go through it but I have bits of time when I'm okay. Tiny tiny bits of time. It's our new normal for a while. Until our new normal shifts a little and wobbles, and takes different shapes at different times. I just want to tell you it's okay. Whatever you do, or feel, or think, it's a part of grief. Blessings.

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Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.

REPLY
3 replies
Moderator
Colleen Young, Connect Director | @colleenyoung | Sep 10, 2019
In reply to @ihtak46 "Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some..." + (show)
@ihtak46

Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.

Jump to this post

Hi Kathi @ihtak46, we're here. You're not doing anything wrong in using the site. We're here and we're listening.

We can offer support, a virtual shoulder and virtual ear. Hard days like the one you had yesterday are simply hard. I wish we could take away the profound loss and hurt you're experiencing. What we can do, is journey alongside you. Let you cry when you need to cry. Hold your pain with you. And enjoy your smiles when a good memory surfaces for a moment.

How are you doing this morning?

REPLY
smilie | @smilie | Sep 10, 2019
In reply to @ihtak46 "Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some..." + (show)
@ihtak46

Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.

Jump to this post

I’m so very sorry for your loss! I’m sending you big hugs!

REPLY
Jamie Cumbia | @jamiecumbia | Oct 10, 2019

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter 🙁 My heart breaks for you. One day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time.

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Oct 13, 2020

One of our members, @rosez, has been posting about her daughter's (and her husband's cancer diagnoses). She just posted that her 39-year-old daughter passed away last night of thymic cancer. Her daughter has twin girls, 3 1/2 years of age. Here is her post:

13 hours ago · Thymic Tumors in Cancer

"My daughter passed away tonight."

Harriet, @harriethodgson1, and Kathi, @ihtak46, would you please join in this discussion with @rosez? I think the sharing of your experiences would be helpful to her.

REPLY
Harriet Hodgson | @harriethodgson1 | Oct 13, 2020

I can only imagine the shock and sorrow you are feeling now. Your daughter died too soon and my daughter died too soon. It took months for me to realize that love lasts forever. Death doesn't have the power to erase love and you will always love your daughter. My daughter had a marvelous sense of humor. Some even thought she could be a stand-up comic. Now, when I have a big laugh or belly laugh, I dedicate it to my daughter. My husband and I, in conjunction with the co-music leaders at our church, commissioned a song in memory of Helen. It is a beautiful song and one that other choirs could sing. It is important to say your daughter's name and tell stories about her. Often people avoid saying a name for fear they will make you sad. You're already sad and saying your daughter's name and telling stories keeps her alive. You may wish to write some stories down for your grandchildren. After our daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash, my husband and I developed a buddy system. One day he would be the driver and I would be the lookout. The next day I would drive and he would be the lookout. Finally, tears are beneficial and release emotions. Give yourself permission to cry for as long as you need to and anywhere you need to. You will feel better afterwards.

REPLY
2 replies
Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Oct 14, 2020
In reply to @harriethodgson1 "I can only imagine the shock and sorrow you are feeling now. Your daughter died too..." + (show)
@harriethodgson1

I can only imagine the shock and sorrow you are feeling now. Your daughter died too soon and my daughter died too soon. It took months for me to realize that love lasts forever. Death doesn't have the power to erase love and you will always love your daughter. My daughter had a marvelous sense of humor. Some even thought she could be a stand-up comic. Now, when I have a big laugh or belly laugh, I dedicate it to my daughter. My husband and I, in conjunction with the co-music leaders at our church, commissioned a song in memory of Helen. It is a beautiful song and one that other choirs could sing. It is important to say your daughter's name and tell stories about her. Often people avoid saying a name for fear they will make you sad. You're already sad and saying your daughter's name and telling stories keeps her alive. You may wish to write some stories down for your grandchildren. After our daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash, my husband and I developed a buddy system. One day he would be the driver and I would be the lookout. The next day I would drive and he would be the lookout. Finally, tears are beneficial and release emotions. Give yourself permission to cry for as long as you need to and anywhere you need to. You will feel better afterwards.

Jump to this post

Hello @harriethodgson1,

I'm sure that @rosez will appreciate the heartfelt response. As you lost a daughter with a young family you understand her feelings better than most of us can or will.

I appreciate you sharing your story with @rosez.

REPLY
rosez | @rosez | Oct 14, 2020
In reply to @harriethodgson1 "I can only imagine the shock and sorrow you are feeling now. Your daughter died too..." + (show)
@harriethodgson1

I can only imagine the shock and sorrow you are feeling now. Your daughter died too soon and my daughter died too soon. It took months for me to realize that love lasts forever. Death doesn't have the power to erase love and you will always love your daughter. My daughter had a marvelous sense of humor. Some even thought she could be a stand-up comic. Now, when I have a big laugh or belly laugh, I dedicate it to my daughter. My husband and I, in conjunction with the co-music leaders at our church, commissioned a song in memory of Helen. It is a beautiful song and one that other choirs could sing. It is important to say your daughter's name and tell stories about her. Often people avoid saying a name for fear they will make you sad. You're already sad and saying your daughter's name and telling stories keeps her alive. You may wish to write some stories down for your grandchildren. After our daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash, my husband and I developed a buddy system. One day he would be the driver and I would be the lookout. The next day I would drive and he would be the lookout. Finally, tears are beneficial and release emotions. Give yourself permission to cry for as long as you need to and anywhere you need to. You will feel better afterwards.

Jump to this post

Thank you

REPLY
rosez | @rosez | Nov 2, 2020

Our daughter passed away on October 12. They found a tumor on her heart that they couldn't remove. Her cancer was found at the end of August. She was only 39 and left behind her husband and twin 3 year old girls.
We had not seen her since January and couldn't visit her because my husband has brain cancer and the virus.

REPLY
jimmy 370 | @jimmy370 | Dec 17, 2020

So sad! I wish I had a answer for! I lost my 42 year Sister suddenly! She was at her daughters wedding when it happened! They tell me to pray to got to give us strength and to get through it! What helps me is, the Bible say we will all be with our love ones same day! We will reunite with them! Pray to got ask for strength! Jim
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