Recent, totally sudden, traumatic loss of our daughter, 45.

Posted by Kathi @ihtak46, Fri, Aug 2 6:36pm

I just returned from our girls week at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. Every year I visit her for girls week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened.
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!

@windwalker

@ihtak46 Hi Kathi. I sent you some local listings of support groups in your town to your phone.

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Hi @windwalker, could you please include the local listing of support groups here in the discussion? They will not only benefit @ihtak46, but others too.

@ihtak46, I'm glad that you are looking into hospice as a resource. Hospice's often offer bereavement support. Naturally, in addition to finding support locally and in-person, you always have the support of Connect 24/7. We're here. We're listening and offer a virtual ear and shoulder to lean on.
In addition to the support you've gotten so far from @georgette12 and @mcmurf2, I'd also like to bring @holly56 into this discussion.

Kathi, how are you doing today?

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Im alright for the few minutes I am concentrating on something, Netflix show, esp. Doing everything else I think of Kirstin. I get up go into the bathroom and get that “alone forever” feeling. I get dressed, usually wear a tshirt of hers. I hug it, and tell her I love her and miss her and try to start my morning. Then I wonder where she is, if shes ok; if she could only give me a hint shes fine and is with her family ( my Mom and Dad, her cousins, etc, etc)) Am I making myself nuts?
I think constantly about the 10 days I was with her and left for home a day ( 10 hours) before she left us. Why didnt I SEE ! She told me of a few aches and feelings she was experiencing but blamed them on *a charley horse, asthma, heart burn. All these symptoms were telling of reactions to that horrid Tamoxifen. Her doctor only saw her twice to check on her. ( first in June and August). She had to cancel an appt. in Dec. cause they were going to Disney. The docs office never did call her for a follow up up or give her another appt. when she canceled in Dec.
That blood clot started in her leg ( Charley horse), it went to her lung ( hard to breathe; she had mild asthma but it did bother her a bit more that week.) She just thought she needed a new inhaler. Her chest later felt heavy and she said shed forgotten to take her heartburn meds so again she attributed that to it. What I noticed as soon as I first saw her was her weight gain……her legs looked swollen but she just said she gained alot of weight from the Tamoxifen. I SHOULD HAVE SAID OR DONE “SOMETHING”!!! Her husband should have noticed it. “Oh, I would never say anything to her about her weight”…. WHAT THE HELL! He should have been watching her more carefully, caring more about her Doc appts., etc.
I am losing my mind. You say there is something online that I could connect with?
My husband doesnt say much but cant look at her picture either nor can he read anything about Kirs. We are grieving differently. Hes always asking me ‘if Im ok’? That angers me because he should know the answer is HELL NO, I AM NOT OK.
I talk to Kirstin every day…. for advice, I ask her to let me know shes ok by doing something! Crazy, uh? I ask her to get into Dads ( and Chad, her hubby) mind and help them.
Theres alot more but I wont go there at this time.
Bless you for “listening”.
I do believe in God, and I have to believe in Heaven, so I can pray Kirs is there. So many religions believe differently.
Thank you.

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@ihtak46

Im alright for the few minutes I am concentrating on something, Netflix show, esp. Doing everything else I think of Kirstin. I get up go into the bathroom and get that “alone forever” feeling. I get dressed, usually wear a tshirt of hers. I hug it, and tell her I love her and miss her and try to start my morning. Then I wonder where she is, if shes ok; if she could only give me a hint shes fine and is with her family ( my Mom and Dad, her cousins, etc, etc)) Am I making myself nuts?
I think constantly about the 10 days I was with her and left for home a day ( 10 hours) before she left us. Why didnt I SEE ! She told me of a few aches and feelings she was experiencing but blamed them on *a charley horse, asthma, heart burn. All these symptoms were telling of reactions to that horrid Tamoxifen. Her doctor only saw her twice to check on her. ( first in June and August). She had to cancel an appt. in Dec. cause they were going to Disney. The docs office never did call her for a follow up up or give her another appt. when she canceled in Dec.
That blood clot started in her leg ( Charley horse), it went to her lung ( hard to breathe; she had mild asthma but it did bother her a bit more that week.) She just thought she needed a new inhaler. Her chest later felt heavy and she said shed forgotten to take her heartburn meds so again she attributed that to it. What I noticed as soon as I first saw her was her weight gain……her legs looked swollen but she just said she gained alot of weight from the Tamoxifen. I SHOULD HAVE SAID OR DONE “SOMETHING”!!! Her husband should have noticed it. “Oh, I would never say anything to her about her weight”…. WHAT THE HELL! He should have been watching her more carefully, caring more about her Doc appts., etc.
I am losing my mind. You say there is something online that I could connect with?
My husband doesnt say much but cant look at her picture either nor can he read anything about Kirs. We are grieving differently. Hes always asking me ‘if Im ok’? That angers me because he should know the answer is HELL NO, I AM NOT OK.
I talk to Kirstin every day…. for advice, I ask her to let me know shes ok by doing something! Crazy, uh? I ask her to get into Dads ( and Chad, her hubby) mind and help them.
Theres alot more but I wont go there at this time.
Bless you for “listening”.
I do believe in God, and I have to believe in Heaven, so I can pray Kirs is there. So many religions believe differently.
Thank you.

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@ihtak46 you're not losing your mind. You are grieving. It takes time. It's a process. You ask if there is something online you can connect with. I say that you are by connecting with us here on Mayo Clinic Connect. I hope in some small way, we can be a support system for you and offer a virtual ear and shoulder when you need it. I'd like to introduce you to @harriethodgson1 who knows exactly what you're going through.

kathi, It sounds like you might want more in addition to the support you are getting on Connect. I invite you to explore books and articles about loss and grief, including some that Harriet has written. http://www.harriethodgson.com/about

You might also appreciate these articles to help understand what is going on
– Grief Work http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Grief+Work.aspx
– Grief in Times of Celebration: The Empty Spot http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Grief+in+Times+of+Celebration_+The+Empty+Spot.aspx

One day at a time. One minute at a time.

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@colleenyoung

@ihtak46 you're not losing your mind. You are grieving. It takes time. It's a process. You ask if there is something online you can connect with. I say that you are by connecting with us here on Mayo Clinic Connect. I hope in some small way, we can be a support system for you and offer a virtual ear and shoulder when you need it. I'd like to introduce you to @harriethodgson1 who knows exactly what you're going through.

kathi, It sounds like you might want more in addition to the support you are getting on Connect. I invite you to explore books and articles about loss and grief, including some that Harriet has written. http://www.harriethodgson.com/about

You might also appreciate these articles to help understand what is going on
– Grief Work http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Grief+Work.aspx
– Grief in Times of Celebration: The Empty Spot http://www.virtualhospice.ca/en_US/Main+Site+Navigation/Home/Topics/Topics/Emotional+Health/Grief+in+Times+of+Celebration_+The+Empty+Spot.aspx

One day at a time. One minute at a time.

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Hi Colleen,
Thank you for writing. I appreciate it. I did look up Harriett Hodgson’s articles. She sure has written quite a bit.
I hope I dont sound brainless but I am having trouble connecting with others. Do I click on Grief and Loss to find people who may have written me?
Thank you.
Kathi

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@ihtak46

Hi Colleen,
Thank you for writing. I appreciate it. I did look up Harriett Hodgson’s articles. She sure has written quite a bit.
I hope I dont sound brainless but I am having trouble connecting with others. Do I click on Grief and Loss to find people who may have written me?
Thank you.
Kathi

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You're certainly not brainless, Kathi. When we're stressed and grieving, even the simplest tasks can seem as difficult as rocket science.
When someone has responded to the discussions you are taking part in, you will receive an email notification – like the one you got as a result of my posting this message to you. Sometimes, conversations can be slow to start.

You may wish to also explore the other discussions in the Loss & Grief group here: https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/loss-grief/

How are you doing today?

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@ihtak46

Hi Colleen,
Thank you for writing. I appreciate it. I did look up Harriett Hodgson’s articles. She sure has written quite a bit.
I hope I dont sound brainless but I am having trouble connecting with others. Do I click on Grief and Loss to find people who may have written me?
Thank you.
Kathi

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@ihtak46, thinking of you today.

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@ihtak46. Hello. This is just a hello and I'm saying a prayer for you. Grief is a unique process for each of us. It's been 3 years and I wear his sweatshirt and his cologne is in my drawer. I spray some on my wrist now and then. I have gone through each and everything you describe. I continue to go through it but I have bits of time when I'm okay. Tiny tiny bits of time. It's our new normal for a while. Until our new normal shifts a little and wobbles, and takes different shapes at different times. I just want to tell you it's okay. Whatever you do, or feel, or think, it's a part of grief. Blessings.

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@georgette12

@ihtak46. Hello. This is just a hello and I'm saying a prayer for you. Grief is a unique process for each of us. It's been 3 years and I wear his sweatshirt and his cologne is in my drawer. I spray some on my wrist now and then. I have gone through each and everything you describe. I continue to go through it but I have bits of time when I'm okay. Tiny tiny bits of time. It's our new normal for a while. Until our new normal shifts a little and wobbles, and takes different shapes at different times. I just want to tell you it's okay. Whatever you do, or feel, or think, it's a part of grief. Blessings.

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Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.

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@ihtak46

Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.

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Hi Kathi @ihtak46, we're here. You're not doing anything wrong in using the site. We're here and we're listening.

We can offer support, a virtual shoulder and virtual ear. Hard days like the one you had yesterday are simply hard. I wish we could take away the profound loss and hurt you're experiencing. What we can do, is journey alongside you. Let you cry when you need to cry. Hold your pain with you. And enjoy your smiles when a good memory surfaces for a moment.

How are you doing this morning?

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@ihtak46

Thanks for writing georgette. Today I needed it. Its been bad enough but today for some reason it was just horrible. I woke up crying and like ‘suddenly’ realized my daughter was gone. She passed June 3. I cried almost all day til I gave myself a terrible headache. Everything today reminded me that she was gone. Everything. I broke down crying all day, husband tried to comfort me but I kept it up. Felt ill, my face hurt! I could NOT believe she was really gone. Am I going to have days like this? It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I just cried! I still cant seem to realize shes gone! Horrible day today.
I dont hear from many people on Mayo Connect. Where do I go so people can write me so we can share stories and seek help from each other. I guess im still unsure how this works.
Thank you.
I cant sleep so thats why im writing now. Its12:30.

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I’m so very sorry for your loss! I’m sending you big hugs!

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I am so sorry to hear about your daughter 🙁 My heart breaks for you. One day at a time, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time.

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