Recent, totally sudden, traumatic loss of our daughter, 45.

Posted by Kathi @ihtak46, Aug 2, 2019

I just returned from our girls week at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. Every year I visit her for girls week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened.
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!

Blessings. I am responding to tell you that my adult son died a traumatic death. I saw a grief counselor who specializes in helping parents and families deal with unexpected death. The other thing I did was talk to people who have experienced the death of a child. These two things have saved my life, literally. This is a safe place and you will find that that, somehow, hope will peak through for a tiny second through your years. By hope, I mean that you will make it through the morning. And then the afternoon. And quite possibly the whole day. A parent's tears do not ever go away but hold tight to that wispy thread of hope. We are here for you .

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Hello @ihtak46,

I am so sorry to hear of the sudden loss of your daughter. How very tragic! As a mother myself, I can only imagine the pain you must feel right now. We have another discussion group here on Connect titled, What To Do When There is No Closure. You might consider posting there as well. I feel sure you will find support and encouragement.
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/loss-what-do-you-do-when-there-is-no-closure/
I will certainly think (and pray) for you, your husband and your daughter's spouse as well.

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@ihtak46 Good morning K. My heart breaks for you. I wish so much that you and your husband didn't have to go through this. I think an angel made sure you had that girl's week before your daughter was called home. I am here for you any time you want to talk or need an extra hug.

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so very sorry for your loss. I have had a lot of loss in the last 8 months and it has not gotten easier. I wish I could tell you it has an end..but unfortunately,, I cannot tell you that. They say we all grieve in our own way and for however long we need… no set limit. So, take ALL the time you need and do what you have to do. Just one day at a time. The memories can be painful but happy. Keep talking to people. Find a grief support group later ( not now). The ONLY thing I can think of that might help you is to move ( temporarily) to where you do have friends and family for the rest of the summer. You WILL need a support group of something.. relatives, friends, therapists, support group…. anything… And keep talking. Keep reaching out. I wish you all my energy I have left to help get you thru this. Hugs to you and your family.

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@georgette12

Blessings. I am responding to tell you that my adult son died a traumatic death. I saw a grief counselor who specializes in helping parents and families deal with unexpected death. The other thing I did was talk to people who have experienced the death of a child. These two things have saved my life, literally. This is a safe place and you will find that that, somehow, hope will peak through for a tiny second through your years. By hope, I mean that you will make it through the morning. And then the afternoon. And quite possibly the whole day. A parent's tears do not ever go away but hold tight to that wispy thread of hope. We are here for you .

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Thank you Georgette for your reply. Yes, I do feel I need to talk to other parents. At times it’s difficult though. It is so hard to look at pictures of us, even from months and months ago let alone recent ones. Yes, I so seek others. Do I do it in the same way we are corresponding or do I go to a separate forum?
Thank you Georgette. I am so sorry to hear of your loss as well. Was it recent Georgette?
Prayers!
Kathi

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@mcmurf2

so very sorry for your loss. I have had a lot of loss in the last 8 months and it has not gotten easier. I wish I could tell you it has an end..but unfortunately,, I cannot tell you that. They say we all grieve in our own way and for however long we need… no set limit. So, take ALL the time you need and do what you have to do. Just one day at a time. The memories can be painful but happy. Keep talking to people. Find a grief support group later ( not now). The ONLY thing I can think of that might help you is to move ( temporarily) to where you do have friends and family for the rest of the summer. You WILL need a support group of something.. relatives, friends, therapists, support group…. anything… And keep talking. Keep reaching out. I wish you all my energy I have left to help get you thru this. Hugs to you and your family.

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Thank you.
God, I wish I could be nearer to my family. Since we live in SC
( Hilton Head area) moving back to Ohio temporarily would not be possible ( husband most likely wouldnt). Im hoping to get involved with a group.
Im sad for your loss as well. Losing ones only child, is beyond devastating. She was 45. 46 on Aug 2; She passed on June 3……2 months today.

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@ihtak46

Thank you Georgette for your reply. Yes, I do feel I need to talk to other parents. At times it’s difficult though. It is so hard to look at pictures of us, even from months and months ago let alone recent ones. Yes, I so seek others. Do I do it in the same way we are corresponding or do I go to a separate forum?
Thank you Georgette. I am so sorry to hear of your loss as well. Was it recent Georgette?
Prayers!
Kathi

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Hello again. My own son died in 2016. I'm not sure on this forum if there is another site regarding this. Although on the web there are grief support groups which I find helpful . Let me check that for you.

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@ihtak46

Thank you Georgette for your reply. Yes, I do feel I need to talk to other parents. At times it’s difficult though. It is so hard to look at pictures of us, even from months and months ago let alone recent ones. Yes, I so seek others. Do I do it in the same way we are corresponding or do I go to a separate forum?
Thank you Georgette. I am so sorry to hear of your loss as well. Was it recent Georgette?
Prayers!
Kathi

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So the compassionate friends.
Org website is in my reply above. Did that come through ok?

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@georgette12

So the compassionate friends.
Org website is in my reply above. Did that come through ok?

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Georgette
It came through fine. Thank you.

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@ihtak46 Hi Kathi. I sent you some local listings of support groups in your town to your phone.

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Windwalker…thank you. I did find the support group. Its in a church in my town. I did have info about that one.

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@windwalker

@ihtak46 Hi Kathi. I sent you some local listings of support groups in your town to your phone.

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Is it Hospice Care Of the Low Country?

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@windwalker

@ihtak46 Hi Kathi. I sent you some local listings of support groups in your town to your phone.

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Hi @windwalker, could you please include the local listing of support groups here in the discussion? They will not only benefit @ihtak46, but others too.

@ihtak46, I'm glad that you are looking into hospice as a resource. Hospice's often offer bereavement support. Naturally, in addition to finding support locally and in-person, you always have the support of Connect 24/7. We're here. We're listening and offer a virtual ear and shoulder to lean on.
In addition to the support you've gotten so far from @georgette12 and @mcmurf2, I'd also like to bring @holly56 into this discussion.

Kathi, how are you doing today?

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Im alright for the few minutes I am concentrating on something, Netflix show, esp. Doing everything else I think of Kirstin. I get up go into the bathroom and get that “alone forever” feeling. I get dressed, usually wear a tshirt of hers. I hug it, and tell her I love her and miss her and try to start my morning. Then I wonder where she is, if shes ok; if she could only give me a hint shes fine and is with her family ( my Mom and Dad, her cousins, etc, etc)) Am I making myself nuts?
I think constantly about the 10 days I was with her and left for home a day ( 10 hours) before she left us. Why didnt I SEE ! She told me of a few aches and feelings she was experiencing but blamed them on *a charley horse, asthma, heart burn. All these symptoms were telling of reactions to that horrid Tamoxifen. Her doctor only saw her twice to check on her. ( first in June and August). She had to cancel an appt. in Dec. cause they were going to Disney. The docs office never did call her for a follow up up or give her another appt. when she canceled in Dec.
That blood clot started in her leg ( Charley horse), it went to her lung ( hard to breathe; she had mild asthma but it did bother her a bit more that week.) She just thought she needed a new inhaler. Her chest later felt heavy and she said shed forgotten to take her heartburn meds so again she attributed that to it. What I noticed as soon as I first saw her was her weight gain……her legs looked swollen but she just said she gained alot of weight from the Tamoxifen. I SHOULD HAVE SAID OR DONE “SOMETHING”!!! Her husband should have noticed it. “Oh, I would never say anything to her about her weight”…. WHAT THE HELL! He should have been watching her more carefully, caring more about her Doc appts., etc.
I am losing my mind. You say there is something online that I could connect with?
My husband doesnt say much but cant look at her picture either nor can he read anything about Kirs. We are grieving differently. Hes always asking me ‘if Im ok’? That angers me because he should know the answer is HELL NO, I AM NOT OK.
I talk to Kirstin every day…. for advice, I ask her to let me know shes ok by doing something! Crazy, uh? I ask her to get into Dads ( and Chad, her hubby) mind and help them.
Theres alot more but I wont go there at this time.
Bless you for “listening”.
I do believe in God, and I have to believe in Heaven, so I can pray Kirs is there. So many religions believe differently.
Thank you.

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