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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hello @sunnymygirl and thank you for checking in with an update. Your positive spirit and the wonderful memories of your sister are gifts that you have that will help you to survive this anniversary time. I appreciate your posting!
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1 Reaction@reibur1951 You are so wise to have contingency plans! It sounds as if you have enough opportunities and choices that something will surely show up when you need it.
I am not sure what the "contingency plans" are but there are enough houses for sale.... tho he and his son was and is totally country but if houses fall through it may have to be rent in town for winter months I have not looked into any other nearby country but keeping eye on both these so far in over 3-6 months they have not moved so hoping.... will manage some how just hate to think os being here another winter with the problems and just wood heat the cost of the wood/electric combine was way too much and was not totally warm and i stayed up 24/7 to insure it and going to friends cbc blood test/transfusion on little or no sleep at all which was not bad it was within 40 miles but doing it and goign to Indy which was an all day thing and 200 mile round trip but i survived it I just keep praying as i go past the first sign the wind power house that its still available as soon as i hear anything i am sure the wheels will turn fast... or rather hoping they will most is ready here except for packing up china closet, and bedroom closet which right now has boxes atacked in front of it... i call it "box heaven"
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1 ReactionHi, My #2 son and two of his grown Kids/ 44 & 38 drove me to the wedding party. It was a nice day and we had a nice time. Almost home my son asked what I was going to do with my eldest son. I told him nothing and if he thought I was going to give the oldest any money, Itold hime no and if he contests my will he will gent nothing.. I have had a not so good of time since my husband passed. (may 4) and then my oldest wants this and that and being the oldest he should have this. I just said he will not get anything while I'm still alive. Oh happy day! lots of fun by all. I'm tired. more later. Thanks for caring. Nancy shortshot)
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2 ReactionsSo sorry nice way to deflate a nice day... Sad the death brings out the worst in families... I pray things get better for you Lets just say let Karma work and hope your around to see it....
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2 ReactionsThanks IndianaScott
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1 ReactionThank you hopeful33250
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2 Reactions@reibur1951 So true about the loss of a family member can bring out the worse in some people.
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2 Reactions@shortshot Hi Nancy,
I'm so sorry that the trip home took some emotional detours. You certainly did not deserve that! Take it easy today and write more later.
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1 ReactionComplicated grief. Grief is love turned inside out. Dr Ron Rubenzer. Your well-being is my commitment.
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