Depression: Something is still missing. How can I be happy?

You already know alcohol is an insidious villain. Feels good, but a slow painful death. Sorry to be so blunt, but stop the booze and go to meetings!
My infancy, childhood, and growing up were torture, abusive, and stole my life from me. Something in me, for which I cannot take credit, made a life different for me than the one I was "supposed to" have had. Or, maybe this IS the life I was supposed to have had.🤷‍♂️
There is still time. Find, yield to, and enjoy what gives you meaning, no matter what anyone else says. (Viktor Frankl).
Jung said until a person finds God, they will not stop imbibing. Spiritus (the Good Spirit) against Spiritum (the boozy destructive spirit 96 proof).
This God business is not about becoming a holy roller. It's finding out about this Glorious Existence made by some Creator (always a mystery to us, but SOMETHING must be driving all this), all the infinite moving parts, and (y)our place in it.
Once the connection is made, Oh! So that's what all this us about! I didn't know, ten minutes there makes everything else worth the trip. AA meetings are a great place to start.
Let us know how you are doing. No one is alone.

I too had a very abusive childhood. My Grandfather put alcohol in my baby bottle(pre my Dad) to help me go to sleep faster. I was stealing drinks out if my Dad’s beer at the age of 5. I have been sexually abused and raped more times than I can count. I smoked marijuana in college then went back to alcohol afterwards because I didn’t want to risk a dirty U.A at work. Then off to the races I went. Fast forward to age 37 and my life became an extreme mess. I went to alcohol treatment and have stayed sober since with the help of AA, a sponsor, working the 12 steps and getting real friends at AA and church. The first 4 or 5 years were hard but I was determined to stay off the booze and make it. It’s now 37 and 1/2 years of sobriety and u promise you sobriety and the fight to get it is all worth it. I suggest Tx and AA, work the steps with a sponsor and STAY OFF THE BOOZE.

How much have you been drinking and for how long? The first step may be going to a detox center.

The GLP drugs work for alcohol addiction as well as weight loss. Two of my alcoholic friends have quit abusing alcohol by taking those drugs. When they drink they can limit themselves to two drinks and don’t crave more.

@halenbon81, I see more success in your story than failure. Despite living with decades of trauma, you found your way to quitting alcohol, getting therapy and surrounding yourself with supportive people. Take that in for a moment. That is a huge accomplishment.

Success or accomplishments are not a static state. Sometimes we have setbacks. You have reached back to an old habit of drinking again. You know it is not good for you, but it is a well worn habit and may even give you momentary comfort. You also know, it's not a comfort that will last and can even take you back to a place you don't want to be.

Now, go back and read my first paragraph. You can get there again. Look at the people around you who support you. Remember some of the coping strategies you learned in therapy. Please love that little boy who didn't get the love a child deserves. Love the 60-year old man in the mirror. Let yourself be supported and loved.

Boy, that sure sounds like a lecture, doesn't it?
@joebeth, is right. You've taken the first step by writing here. What's your next step? (Even a baby step counts.)

I am a gay man, 80yrs old so you can imagine what I had to deal with, with a very religious background. A book, The Power Of Now, was instrumental in helping me learn to live in the present moment. The gist of it is the fact that the only thing that is real is what is happening now. The past is a memory, not a present day reality. You can learn to be present by directing your attention here. It is a process. By continually bringing your attention to what is happening now (what is real), you will find your imagined history will have less influence in your life. This is a kind of Buddhist principle. Also I start each day with coffee and using Youtube's numerous meditation music while I verbally give thanks for everything I take for granted, such as food, drink, shelter, safety, friends, family etc, which much of the world doesn't have. This helps to change my attitude as my day begins. I also drink in moderation, have a partner, so I am not lonely, and take a small dose of antidepressant. I have learned to respect myself over the years. This is a must as a foundation to making your life interesting. The meaning of life? That can be answered by reading the numerous books on people who have clinically died and returned to share their experiences. The doctor Raymond Moody would be a good start. You can have meaningful decades ahead. I hope something of what I have said will help you.

@colleenyoung thank you for making the time to message me I so appreciate it. Not only did I drink to numb my hurt I also drink to think of self harm it is some kind of comfort I no that sounds crazy but it does I have really great support and people that care about me so much but when I start getting close to them I'll just draw because I'm fear of rejection my life seems so cold

@laurabamford4015 I do take meds that is supposed to stop the craving and drinking but it doesn't my hurt it's just so great. Thank you for messaging me back I appreciate that

@david707 thank you so much sir appreciate you messaging me . Just knowing that someone else understands how I feel help so much thank you

@shmerdloff thank you so much for your words . I have fear of rejection all the time and when I get close to someone I with draw. It's a vicious cycle.