Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

New to this support group I’m seeking empathy and suggestions. Married 40 years, I still work full time and my husband 11 years older, is retired, suffers from severe memory loss & depression. It’s gotten worse the past 5 years and I struggle daily to just
Live. He gives nothing back to our marriage, has one friend and leans on me for everything in our life. It’s overwhelming and sad. These are not the golden years I’d hoped for.

@lostinlimbo Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! I’m so sorry about your situation; it sounds so difficult. Has a doctor diagnosed him with severe memory loss? That office may have a social worker who will be able to help you. The SW may also know of someone who you could talk to and get some support. But, I’d better let the members who are much more experienced than I, help you.

@lostinlimbo
I hear your pain and perhaps fear? I fought against the memory loss for YEARS! I truly believed my husband was being passive aggressive and unloving. Looking back over the past 10 years im guessing 50percent of his behavior was the MCI. My spouse is not depressed and was high functioning so i was just confused/ unhappy in our marriage. I now believe he has been much sicker than the doctors diagnosed. As of 2 weeks ago he is no longer driving and i see a level of fear settling into his brain. Im guessing its because he can’t remember all the old data to draw upon in situations, so he gets resistant or anxious.
Hear are some steps that have helped me cope better over the years:
1. coffee with a friend, out or at home.
2. Spending one evening in a separate room than my spouse. I watch a movie and he listens to music and plays phone games in the other room.
3. Boundaries. I now give myself permission to not be available for every thought that my husband needs me to handle. I may say “ im thinking about a couple other tasks right now, can we talk in 10-30 min?” I may say please right it down and ill be happy to “fix” it soon.
4. Support groups in person and on line. Hearing other stories brings compassion for others and takes my eyes off of me for a short time.
5. Learn, learn and learn. The more i understand the better (less fearful) i become. I use YouTube.
6. Stop looking for understanding or wisdom from folks who have rose colored glasses on. Hold my cards close to my chest and seek fellowship from folks walking the journey. Lots of helpful wisdom that make me a better person and wife.
Look for ways to make everyday responsibilities easier. Set up auto bill pay. Have groceries delivered, look into meal plans that deliver to you, have pet supplies delivered.
7. The biggest one has been learning to love my spouse again. A gentle shoulder touch when i walk by, laugh at his 12 year old silliness, tell him im thankful to have him, remind yourselves that “we are a team and we need to work together instead of creating friction over life the stressors that we need to let go of”. This one showed me that i was more controlling than i realized, i thought it was always my husband’s issue. 🥴
Im rambling! i hope something helps. You are not alone and we all grieve together, and slowly celebrate our wins day by day. Hugs

@becsbuddy we are having a lady from Lutheran Social Services come on
thursday totalk to us about the future and how to handle it She will also tell us about help from the county We are fine now but if he has to go to a memory care we won't be able to afford it. I am 85 and my husband is 84 He took the three hour test and found out he has MCI He is doing very well accept for short term memory. I can leave him alone I usually am gone only three hours at a time I have found out that I need to get out a couple times a week to see other people Sometimes I just walk around Walmart I sometimes I see my friends Of course everyone is my friend. I say hi to everyone that I meet I found out that
at the clinic it is so easy to say how are you but now I try to say nice to see you

@rubyredkate keep doing what you are doing, I am just starting the MCI road and not sure how to handle it all,, I have to tell myself it will only get worse as time goes on. But now it is confusing here is a big hug

@lostinlimbo
I hear your pain and perhaps fear? I fought against the memory loss for YEARS! I truly believed my husband was being passive aggressive and unloving. Looking back over the past 10 years im guessing 50percent of his behavior was the MCI. My spouse is not depressed and was high functioning so i was just confused/ unhappy in our marriage. I now believe he has been much sicker than the doctors diagnosed. As of 2 weeks ago he is no longer driving and i see a level of fear settling into his brain. Im guessing its because he can’t remember all the old data to draw upon in situations, so he gets resistant or anxious.
Hear are some steps that have helped me cope better over the years:
1. coffee with a friend, out or at home.
2. Spending one evening in a separate room than my spouse. I watch a movie and he listens to music and plays phone games in the other room.
3. Boundaries. I now give myself permission to not be available for every thought that my husband needs me to handle. I may say “ im thinking about a couple other tasks right now, can we talk in 10-30 min?” I may say please right it down and ill be happy to “fix” it soon.
4. Support groups in person and on line. Hearing other stories brings compassion for others and takes my eyes off of me for a short time.
5. Learn, learn and learn. The more i understand the better (less fearful) i become. I use YouTube.
6. Stop looking for understanding or wisdom from folks who have rose colored glasses on. Hold my cards close to my chest and seek fellowship from folks walking the journey. Lots of helpful wisdom that make me a better person and wife.
Look for ways to make everyday responsibilities easier. Set up auto bill pay. Have groceries delivered, look into meal plans that deliver to you, have pet supplies delivered.
7. The biggest one has been learning to love my spouse again. A gentle shoulder touch when i walk by, laugh at his 12 year old silliness, tell him im thankful to have him, remind yourselves that “we are a team and we need to work together instead of creating friction over life the stressors that we need to let go of”. This one showed me that i was more controlling than i realized, i thought it was always my husband’s issue. 🥴
Im rambling! i hope something helps. You are not alone and we all grieve together, and slowly celebrate our wins day by day. Hugs

@renee1941 That sounds depressing for you. I think you could ask this woman about organizations that help in the home. If you started with someone to come in and assist him or do some jigsaw puzzles or other games, that would allow you to be gone for awhile . Just to try a time or two. You could maybe make an appointment with her. Tell her about yourself and your husband and that you might need help in a year or so.

@renee1941
Hello: You mentioned not being sure about how to handle it all. We are here for you.
When my husband was diagnosed with MCI, we started with our medical facility's monthly dementia support group. Our doctor referred him for the long cognitive testing, MRI and C/T scans, etc.
Also, start trying to find online, free classes or helpful videos on YouTube (like Teepa Snow). Just type in the issue you're struggling with in the search bar, and I bet someone has posted a helpful video.
Our state (Oregon) has free classes from Oregon Care Partners, extremely helpful. I hope your state does too. These are all online; since we're caregivers it can be challenging to get out to go take a class.
Good luck and visit here often. ☀️

Has anyone attended the 10 day HABIT program at Mayo (Rochester) for individuals with MCI, and their partners? Impressions? Was it valuable? Is reasonable, longer term housing available?

Randyreg