Does anyone else have difficulties in waiting rooms??? At a recent visit I wrote a poem whilst waiting. Anyone that can identify with my feelings on my waiting room experience??
"Waiting Room PTSD"
Waiting room and all the trauma-
The morning news filled with drama...
Can someone please press mute?
I do not care nor do I give a hoot
About the robberies and death-
All of the violence robs my breath.
Endless mega-hype of radars
When I look to the sky and stars.
Technology all around and about-
The noise I try hard to block out!
All of the darkness through the waves
While silence my minds desperately craves.
As for that horrific. slamming automatic door...
I turn wrong side out and seek the floor.
There is nothing to block nor to bring
To block the next slam or cell phone ring.
Yes, this was written in the waiting room amid all of the racket.
You are so expressive thru your artwork and your writing. Yes, I can relate! Noise bothers both my husband and me, now that we're older, far more than anything except the crowds that usually accompany the noise. We often retreat to our bedroom chairs and relax while listening to soft, soothing music. I hate shopping in retail stores in shopping centers because the noise and crowds are overwhelming for me. I mostly shop online now. It's so much easier and I can always send things back if they aren't right for my style, fit, etc.
Peace comes in small ways and I always welcome it. Getting so involved in what I'm doing that I lose track of time, place, and noise is my favorite inward "escape." I think this is when you're in "The Zone."
@blindeyepug made a great suggestion about books. David Burns has written some good books on treating depression without drugs. Have you tried self-help books?
Same PzSD, same reason. Have you tried group therapy? Amazing what a polarized group we are: almost all seem to be overweight or underweight (whichever your abuser found least attractive). Most seem almost promiscuous or have no use for sex and try to avoid it. All have anxiety and in unfamiliar locations prefer back to a wall and facing all oncomers. We suck at relationships because 1st thing you need for a good one is trust and, when you can't trust the ones who are supposed to care the most for you, how will you trust outsiders.You know, it wasn't until our generation that abusing your wife and/or children wasn't against the law, they were the man's property,! I always intended to confront my father and mother (she allowed it to happen) but then he died...it was like he got away with it. I fell into the deepest depression and no one knew what was wrong with me until they finally took me to a psychiatrist, then family members didn't believe me because I had never mentioned it. I understand how you think there's something wrong with you, it's all your fault, etc. But it's not,! You weren't the one with the problem, your only problem was you believed was the adults who were responsible for feeding clothing and caring for you told you was normal or right. Happy to talk more if you need anything.
Absolutely and horrific nightmares and all the other symptoms you have. Group therapy usually helps if only to let you know there are many many others in the same place as you. I'll did years until they made me a group leader. Then I had to move and though there is much larger population here I cannot find a group! Paris, I'm in So. FL, where are you located?
I have realized the more I started reading the more hopeless I became. What helps or works for one may harm another...my father always called me a lone fox as I much preferred nature and the creatures to hanging out or being sociable...weak-kneed describes me well now as my knees are in bad shape and doing physical therapy after being told to not walk since January and now being told to blah, blah, blah...I am weak in many ways and going through the bureaucratic hoops is part of life. Like so many things-"can't change it, can't fix it". By the time one hits 65 and can no longer physically work there is nothing much else left. I see people and smile and laugh-they all see me as happy, funny, entertaining...zaps my strength to do so and even a trip to the grocery is draining.
If knowledge is power and wisdom I have had my share...I stay safe w/ my paint brushes and now paint what is me and not what others want done for them.
I lived a life of being a people pleasing person and this achieved nothing other than wearing my body done to where it can no longer be a pack mule, work horse or gopher. I am not bitter as I did what I did because I genuinely cared...Took me a long time to realize the world is full of users and abusers. There was a time when someone told me something I believed them. This is no longer true for me. I have learned the hard way and much prefer spending my older years still being kind, but far more cautious. The more I start to hear pretty words the more I distance myself.
Could be worse as once I stopped listening to the perverted therapists and taking drugs prescribed by shrinks that were most seeking perks from drug companies...they never listened and went by what the therapist said...beware those wolves in sheep's clothing I tell myself now.
All of this jibberish comes from reading too much. If someone is wanting to translate this type of thinking into self-pity it is their choice. I personally believe the mental health system is highly over-rated and I am not a negative person so much as a realist as I see how cruel the world has become and always has been. Now there are those with degrees that cannot tell good cow dung from apple butter and surely cannot think outside the box and everyone should fit within the parameters of what they learned from books or the person they are working with is non compliant...my near fatal mistake was being compliant.
Oh, Paris, speaking only for PTSDers caused as a child by sexual and/or other abuses, of course trust is a huge problem! If you can't trust your family yet are dependent on them you assume there is something wrong with you
because you don't think that they have your best interest at heart. What choice do you have except to try to please them? That falls over and share your entire life and you feel the best way to get through it unscathed his to just please people not realizing that every time you give away a piece of yourself you have less left for yourself. But even bigger problem I think is how do you learn what love is how do you learn that you could have an argument with someone and not have it for the end of a relationship? How could you trust someone with your innermost thoughts and not believe you will be beaten or raped for disagreeing? We seem to always pick those guys who know our weaknesses and make us feel even more stupid and useless. How do you get through life without trust or love? Pretty damn hard!
@parus I am an incest survivor. I was physically and sexually abused as a child (we're talking broken bones stuff). I also was sexually assaulted as a young adult by a stranger. I decided to not let my abuse or past define me. I am a SURVIVOR. I do not need to give my abusers the power to continue to hurt me through flashbacks and triggers. They certainly aren't thinking on it any longer! A huge part of my childhood was taken - they WILL not take the rest of my life. It is MY choice. I am so very sorry you were not helped with therapy. There are some bad therapists out there, but there are many good ones. I am on medication for depression and find it really helps me. I know there are members in my own family who refuse to believe they have a mental illness (two are bi-polar and one is schizophrenic) and they "self" medicate with drugs and/or alcohol. It is so sad, as they are only making their life worse. There is no shame in having a mental illness. It is like any other illness. Your brain is an organ. If you had a brain tumor, you would get it looked at and fixed. But why people have a hard time with brain chemistry being out of balance and causing an illness (just like insulin in diabetes) is beyond me. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is help out there for everyone. Even if it is self education through books. The thing is, you must do all the hard work. Ignore what doesn't work for you and really practice what does. I am so sorry you feel so hopeless (sounds like depression to me - been there, done that many times!). There are even some studies which show brain chemistry is forever altered in children who have been through continuous situations of abuse and extreme stress. But this does NOT mean you can't live a good life. You don't have to be a product of your past. YOU decide who you want to be mentally and daily work to accomplish that goal. I am by no means saying it is easy. It is HARD, emotional work. It has taken me years (and, yes, medication). But I am so much better than I used to be. I, personally, also find my strength in God. I truly feel He has given me the strength and wisdom to move forward. I no longer hate my abusers. I certainly don't want to have lunch with them, but I can cast them aside in my mind with no anger when they pop up. So much is about changing the negative self talk, about replacing a negative emotion with a positive one. I will be praying for you. I know the road is long, but once you start putting one foot in front of the other and stop thinking about how far you have to go, you will see improvement.
Too bad the medical system and insurance cos. don't recognize the brain as an organ of the body and pay for therapy and Rxs like they do for diabetes...too many people, especially seniors, can't afford everything and give up or, if symptoms are bad enough commit suicide! Should I buy food or medicine?
You are so expressive thru your artwork and your writing. Yes, I can relate! Noise bothers both my husband and me, now that we're older, far more than anything except the crowds that usually accompany the noise. We often retreat to our bedroom chairs and relax while listening to soft, soothing music. I hate shopping in retail stores in shopping centers because the noise and crowds are overwhelming for me. I mostly shop online now. It's so much easier and I can always send things back if they aren't right for my style, fit, etc.
Peace comes in small ways and I always welcome it. Getting so involved in what I'm doing that I lose track of time, place, and noise is my favorite inward "escape." I think this is when you're in "The Zone."
would only like to say that my depression is treatment resistant as far as meds...I have tried many and things only became worse and if there were a medication that could help w/ the depression I would take it...Several therapists that had no experience w/ PTSD. Brain chemistry is not something I am ashamed of and all the comparing my mental status to illnesses and that I am refusing to do anything has been hurtful even if this was not your intent...Sound like those perverted therapists that had not a clue what they were doing and I ended up knowing more about their lives than they did mine. If you are somehow under the impression I am not putting one foot in front of the other you are way of the mark.
Thankful you you have been able to get help and also very sad and hurt w/ your superior attitude. Being spoken down to is not something I find helpful or encouraging.
Please forgive me if I sounded that way to you, believe me, hurting you more or triggering things is the last thing I would do, that's not helpful for you and flashes me back as well. I thought since I'm pretty old I might have started this miserable journey before you and could save you some time and frustration (I had a therapist who wanted to take me on a riverboat cruise 2 weeks so she could write an article or book about my PTSD and and difficulty with medications not working or needing far beyond recommended dose)(antidepressant didn't work at all until a great Dr combined it with..ADDERALL...not something most psychos would dare do 20 yrs ago) I don't think books are helpful, some people don't learn anything that way, like me. Individual therapy might be helpful IF you miraculously found the right experienced one and it can't just be PTSD, it must be incest, self worth, pleasing people who are unplrasable, all of it! Again, please forgive any unintentional missteps I might have made, as you can see from dates, I'm new to this forum.
Parus, one last comment at the risk of upsetting others: you can "choose" to be a survivor and might do fairly well at it UNTIL you have a flashback or a nightmare but your conscious mind just doesn't have the ability to fix everything for the conscious mind. I've never been able to tell myself either of those was just in my mind until it was over, then sometimes I remember. Many is the night I can't get to sleep at all my brain is so afraid of a horrid, cruel dream.
What an excellent use of your time. I usually just get twitchy. Now I'll write. Thanks so much. You might have saved someones life and me a lifetime of bologna sandwiches.
is. n waiting rooms I read the magazines or bring along my crossword puzzle book hopefully rmembering tihe pen. watching the tv and wntint to talk to people but do not. watch out.!
Does anyone else have difficulties in waiting rooms??? At a recent visit I wrote a poem whilst waiting. Anyone that can identify with my feelings on my waiting room experience??
"Waiting Room PTSD"
Waiting room and all the trauma-
The morning news filled with drama...
Can someone please press mute?
I do not care nor do I give a hoot
About the robberies and death-
All of the violence robs my breath.
Endless mega-hype of radars
When I look to the sky and stars.
Technology all around and about-
The noise I try hard to block out!
All of the darkness through the waves
While silence my minds desperately craves.
As for that horrific. slamming automatic door...
I turn wrong side out and seek the floor.
There is nothing to block nor to bring
To block the next slam or cell phone ring.
Yes, this was written in the waiting room amid all of the racket.
@parus this poem is perfect. Would that my clothing match the wall paint or wallpaper so I could disappear in to it. Sitting with my back to a wall. Usually in a corner, to see all comers. Head buried in a book, pen with journal, or crochet hook in hand, to not have to deal with the others also there. My senses on high alert, every noise seems to be very pronounced, every smell even more so. The place doesn't matter, doctor office, auto repair, etc. My anxiety goes through the roof, and they wonder why my blood pressure skyrockets.
Ginger
Please forgive me if I sounded that way to you, believe me, hurting you more or triggering things is the last thing I would do, that's not helpful for you and flashes me back as well. I thought since I'm pretty old I might have started this miserable journey before you and could save you some time and frustration (I had a therapist who wanted to take me on a riverboat cruise 2 weeks so she could write an article or book about my PTSD and and difficulty with medications not working or needing far beyond recommended dose)(antidepressant didn't work at all until a great Dr combined it with..ADDERALL...not something most psychos would dare do 20 yrs ago) I don't think books are helpful, some people don't learn anything that way, like me. Individual therapy might be helpful IF you miraculously found the right experienced one and it can't just be PTSD, it must be incest, self worth, pleasing people who are unplrasable, all of it! Again, please forgive any unintentional missteps I might have made, as you can see from dates, I'm new to this forum.
Parus, one last comment at the risk of upsetting others: you can "choose" to be a survivor and might do fairly well at it UNTIL you have a flashback or a nightmare but your conscious mind just doesn't have the ability to fix everything for the conscious mind. I've never been able to tell myself either of those was just in my mind until it was over, then sometimes I remember. Many is the night I can't get to sleep at all my brain is so afraid of a horrid, cruel dream.
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@parus
You are so expressive thru your artwork and your writing. Yes, I can relate! Noise bothers both my husband and me, now that we're older, far more than anything except the crowds that usually accompany the noise. We often retreat to our bedroom chairs and relax while listening to soft, soothing music. I hate shopping in retail stores in shopping centers because the noise and crowds are overwhelming for me. I mostly shop online now. It's so much easier and I can always send things back if they aren't right for my style, fit, etc.
Peace comes in small ways and I always welcome it. Getting so involved in what I'm doing that I lose track of time, place, and noise is my favorite inward "escape." I think this is when you're in "The Zone."
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3 ReactionsSame PzSD, same reason. Have you tried group therapy? Amazing what a polarized group we are: almost all seem to be overweight or underweight (whichever your abuser found least attractive). Most seem almost promiscuous or have no use for sex and try to avoid it. All have anxiety and in unfamiliar locations prefer back to a wall and facing all oncomers. We suck at relationships because 1st thing you need for a good one is trust and, when you can't trust the ones who are supposed to care the most for you, how will you trust outsiders.You know, it wasn't until our generation that abusing your wife and/or children wasn't against the law, they were the man's property,! I always intended to confront my father and mother (she allowed it to happen) but then he died...it was like he got away with it. I fell into the deepest depression and no one knew what was wrong with me until they finally took me to a psychiatrist, then family members didn't believe me because I had never mentioned it. I understand how you think there's something wrong with you, it's all your fault, etc. But it's not,! You weren't the one with the problem, your only problem was you believed was the adults who were responsible for feeding clothing and caring for you told you was normal or right. Happy to talk more if you need anything.
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5 ReactionsAbsolutely and horrific nightmares and all the other symptoms you have. Group therapy usually helps if only to let you know there are many many others in the same place as you. I'll did years until they made me a group leader. Then I had to move and though there is much larger population here I cannot find a group! Paris, I'm in So. FL, where are you located?
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4 ReactionsOh, Paris, speaking only for PTSDers caused as a child by sexual and/or other abuses, of course trust is a huge problem! If you can't trust your family yet are dependent on them you assume there is something wrong with you
because you don't think that they have your best interest at heart. What choice do you have except to try to please them? That falls over and share your entire life and you feel the best way to get through it unscathed his to just please people not realizing that every time you give away a piece of yourself you have less left for yourself. But even bigger problem I think is how do you learn what love is how do you learn that you could have an argument with someone and not have it for the end of a relationship? How could you trust someone with your innermost thoughts and not believe you will be beaten or raped for disagreeing? We seem to always pick those guys who know our weaknesses and make us feel even more stupid and useless. How do you get through life without trust or love? Pretty damn hard!
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Hug
5 ReactionsToo bad the medical system and insurance cos. don't recognize the brain as an organ of the body and pay for therapy and Rxs like they do for diabetes...too many people, especially seniors, can't afford everything and give up or, if symptoms are bad enough commit suicide! Should I buy food or medicine?
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4 ReactionsI think it's called disassociating
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2 ReactionsPlease forgive me if I sounded that way to you, believe me, hurting you more or triggering things is the last thing I would do, that's not helpful for you and flashes me back as well. I thought since I'm pretty old I might have started this miserable journey before you and could save you some time and frustration (I had a therapist who wanted to take me on a riverboat cruise 2 weeks so she could write an article or book about my PTSD and and difficulty with medications not working or needing far beyond recommended dose)(antidepressant didn't work at all until a great Dr combined it with..ADDERALL...not something most psychos would dare do 20 yrs ago) I don't think books are helpful, some people don't learn anything that way, like me. Individual therapy might be helpful IF you miraculously found the right experienced one and it can't just be PTSD, it must be incest, self worth, pleasing people who are unplrasable, all of it! Again, please forgive any unintentional missteps I might have made, as you can see from dates, I'm new to this forum.
Parus, one last comment at the risk of upsetting others: you can "choose" to be a survivor and might do fairly well at it UNTIL you have a flashback or a nightmare but your conscious mind just doesn't have the ability to fix everything for the conscious mind. I've never been able to tell myself either of those was just in my mind until it was over, then sometimes I remember. Many is the night I can't get to sleep at all my brain is so afraid of a horrid, cruel dream.
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3 Reactionsis. n waiting rooms I read the magazines or bring along my crossword puzzle book hopefully rmembering tihe pen. watching the tv and wntint to talk to people but do not. watch out.!
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3 Reactions@parus this poem is perfect. Would that my clothing match the wall paint or wallpaper so I could disappear in to it. Sitting with my back to a wall. Usually in a corner, to see all comers. Head buried in a book, pen with journal, or crochet hook in hand, to not have to deal with the others also there. My senses on high alert, every noise seems to be very pronounced, every smell even more so. The place doesn't matter, doctor office, auto repair, etc. My anxiety goes through the roof, and they wonder why my blood pressure skyrockets.
Ginger
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4 ReactionsYes
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