Am so sad that this woman's husband collapsed and died. Grief it a tough things to bear, much less work through. I have lost my daughter–sudden four years ago and still have bouts of truly missing her. It does get better, but for me, the memory can surface at times and be poignant. I think the loss and grief group will be a good things for her to try.

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@ccb12

Do you think a spouse having an affair can cause PTSD?
It’s not just the affair it’s basically eight years of lies and deceit that I feel has caused me PTSD.

It’s been about three or four years since we have been working through this and I still have triggers that bring me back. I have been working with a therapist in healing myself and I am making progress.

I am still married and I feel very disconnected from my spouse. I have turned my marriage over to God and gave up my control.

Can a person who has or is suffering from PTSD and is actively with the person who inflicted the traum get passed it when that person isn’t taking responsibility or trying to help you get through any of the attachment wounds caused???

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@ccb12– Welcome to Mayo connect. I am very glad that you found us. Being cheated on by your spouse can certainly suffer from PTSD. Here is my blog post about this very thing except that my cancer caused mine. https://my20yearscancer.com/
I'm positive that my son's father cheated on me too. It is about the worst violation of trust that can happen. What made you decide to stay with your husband rather than divorce? I can't answer your question and I don't know what the future holds for you but I don't think that any inaction on your part will help you. You can't turn your future over you have to control it, otherwise nothing will happen. You sound miserable, why not make a step to be happy?

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@rogerbon1

I am a 100% Combat Disabled Military Veteran with 50% disability resulting from severe stress of my 249 combat missions on fixed wing Gunships in Viet Nam. I have worked with VA Counselors to assist me with acceptance and understanding the causes and cures of PTSD, I find the most useful assistance is training people around me as to the cause and effects of PTSD
The abused family members have it harder to deal with heir PTSD that the veterans because they do not have the support structure that we as veterans have. I therefore ask that we all try to understand their plight.

@rogerbon1

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@rogerbon- Welcome to Connect. Thank you for fighting for our liberties. I am the same age or thereabouts as you. A few of my college friends were drafted and some didn't return. My step son was in the navy and after his first tour, during desert storm he came back a much different person. And to this day he wont do anything about his PTSD.
I agree that what has helped me the most is my volunteer work here as a Mentor, helping others. It's the best antidote!
Thank you for joining us and I hope that you can stick around and help us understand more!

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Hello All:

I subscribe to daily emails from "The Mighty." Today the email was about how parenthood can trigger PTSD symptoms for people who were abused as children. I thought that many of you might find it as insightful as I did. Here is the link to the article,
https://themighty.com/2017/04/childhood-abuse-survivors-becoming-parents-what-to-know-about-ptsd/?

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@eight

I have Dissociative identity disorder, I have eight alters and whenever they come forward I lose time. I don’t remember anything once they decided to come forward. When most people lose time they remember what was going on but I don’t.

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Actually, most people don't remember when they "lose time."
The very term relates to fugue episodes or periods experienced as amnesia.

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@parus

@hopeful33250 Loneliness, pain and fatigue keep me captive. I will be seeing the pain specialist the end of this month. I am fearful of asking for help due to fear of appearing as drug-seeking. I need some help with the pain. The medications for fibromyalgia do terrible things to my mind. I had auditory/visual hallucinations. Pain is better. I also became impulsive which is not typical.
Loneliness is better than the alternative. Grocery store is safe as I am not personally involved.
I am frustrated the therapist was out of ideas. As I have thus stated-she was honest. I feel like a hopeless case. My issue.

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Your therapist may have been "honest" but just telling you that they have "run out of ideas" is not anything a good therapist should be saying to a patient.
Psychology and effective therapy techniques are scientific and evidence-based, not just some random person's "ideas."
That is rubbish and not considered professional or ethical for the very reason you've shared here-it puts blame on the patient and is very, very discouraging.
Personally, I think that is a dangerous way to speak to a patient dealing with Depression already

I hope you do find someone more knowledgeable, optimistic, and willing to refer to you someone else if they don't know how to treat you.

You are not a lost cause because this one professional says you are!

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@jimhd

@parus

I have PTSD for multiple reasons. I was an EMT for a number of years, and saw a lot of grisly scenes, checking for pulses or signs of life on people in vehicles that were mangled, sitting with dead bodies, waiting for the coroner…; abuse by bosses; libel and slander; failed suicide attempts. I didn’t serve in the military, so it’s called civilian PTSD. I think everyone handles traumatic events in different ways, and it’s very misunderstood. People with PTSD have to deal with judgment, criticism, being labeled. Recovery, I would think, could be long and hard, and is paired with mental health issues, which complicates things. For me, it exacerbates depression and anxiety. One thing has an effect on the other. In therapy I’ve learned that traumatic events from the distant past still affect my depression.

Jim

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Jim, I have felt a tremendous amount of disrespect of the diagnosis because it is civilian PTSD. Long ago verbal and emotional abuse from a father with his own cross to bear. I know that relations I have with other people are colored by my ten-year-old self, I just don't know how to make it stop. Fortunately, I have been married for 45 years to a very caring, understanding man, who has been there for the majority of my life (we were married when I was 19), so he has personal knowledge of the ongoing pain and suffering, and he "gets it," but the rest of my extended family just doesn't see the connection. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is the general response I get. I've quit trying to discuss it with my family. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on how you see it) both of my parents passed the end of the year, and that in itself is fraught with feelings of guilt on my part, and the fact that there is now no chance to ever resolve anything. Blindeyepug, I have been through years and years of therapy, and truly, although I might not make it seem so, my life is better than it has ever been. My meds help a lot; the only consistent problem I have is insomnia. I have an accomplished son, an amazing grandson, a husband any woman would be blessed to have, a pretty home, two glorious cat friends, one of who is trying to take the scrunchie out of my hair even now. The saying about count your blessings is a little trite for what folks think should be enough for us, but it is not. I don't understand why it is not, it just isn't. Any comments from the group?

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@vickimurray

Jim, I have felt a tremendous amount of disrespect of the diagnosis because it is civilian PTSD. Long ago verbal and emotional abuse from a father with his own cross to bear. I know that relations I have with other people are colored by my ten-year-old self, I just don't know how to make it stop. Fortunately, I have been married for 45 years to a very caring, understanding man, who has been there for the majority of my life (we were married when I was 19), so he has personal knowledge of the ongoing pain and suffering, and he "gets it," but the rest of my extended family just doesn't see the connection. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is the general response I get. I've quit trying to discuss it with my family. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on how you see it) both of my parents passed the end of the year, and that in itself is fraught with feelings of guilt on my part, and the fact that there is now no chance to ever resolve anything. Blindeyepug, I have been through years and years of therapy, and truly, although I might not make it seem so, my life is better than it has ever been. My meds help a lot; the only consistent problem I have is insomnia. I have an accomplished son, an amazing grandson, a husband any woman would be blessed to have, a pretty home, two glorious cat friends, one of who is trying to take the scrunchie out of my hair even now. The saying about count your blessings is a little trite for what folks think should be enough for us, but it is not. I don't understand why it is not, it just isn't. Any comments from the group?

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Hello, @vickimurray – welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Sounds like you have been through a lot of pain from your upbringing with verbal and emotional abuse from your father. It sounds difficult that your extended family does not seem to get it and expects you to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps."

Hoping members in this discussion like @liz67 @parus @alamogal635 @peach414144 @hopeful33250 @crissdawn and others will return to offer their thoughts on 1) your experiences with abuse in your childhood and 2) other people telling you to count your blessings and how that may not be sufficient, given the past trauma.

Have you felt that the years and years of therapy were useful in your journey, vickimurray?

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@vickimurray Nothing that will raise my hackles more than someone telling me to "count my blessings". Such a shallow unfeeling thing to say to anyone. Like if we did so the bad things would fade away. Ignorance can be cruel. I tell myself that others mean well and no longer speak of my inside darkness and pain. I no longer have much to do with family from the past. Their lives are good, they are happy and don't understand what I struggle. Lived up to what my mother told me about not amounting to a hill of beans. I truly do not see myself as such. Lots of poor choices in relationships. I ceased being the people pleasing person I had always been and realized mostly I was being used. I finally learned and feel so much better about myself. I can now set boundaries and and even be a bit selfish. I have a grandson of 4 years. He loves to come spend the day as do I.

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@vickimurray

Jim, I have felt a tremendous amount of disrespect of the diagnosis because it is civilian PTSD. Long ago verbal and emotional abuse from a father with his own cross to bear. I know that relations I have with other people are colored by my ten-year-old self, I just don't know how to make it stop. Fortunately, I have been married for 45 years to a very caring, understanding man, who has been there for the majority of my life (we were married when I was 19), so he has personal knowledge of the ongoing pain and suffering, and he "gets it," but the rest of my extended family just doesn't see the connection. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" is the general response I get. I've quit trying to discuss it with my family. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depends on how you see it) both of my parents passed the end of the year, and that in itself is fraught with feelings of guilt on my part, and the fact that there is now no chance to ever resolve anything. Blindeyepug, I have been through years and years of therapy, and truly, although I might not make it seem so, my life is better than it has ever been. My meds help a lot; the only consistent problem I have is insomnia. I have an accomplished son, an amazing grandson, a husband any woman would be blessed to have, a pretty home, two glorious cat friends, one of who is trying to take the scrunchie out of my hair even now. The saying about count your blessings is a little trite for what folks think should be enough for us, but it is not. I don't understand why it is not, it just isn't. Any comments from the group?

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@vickimurray, let me add my "welcome to Connect!" Your post was very well written and helpful in explaining your feelings and what brought about those feelings. From your post, it sounds as if your "years and years" of therapy have helped you understand the cause of your PTSD and that in itself is a good thing.

Continue to post and share with Connect. You will find Connect to be a very caring community.

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@parus

@vickimurray Nothing that will raise my hackles more than someone telling me to "count my blessings". Such a shallow unfeeling thing to say to anyone. Like if we did so the bad things would fade away. Ignorance can be cruel. I tell myself that others mean well and no longer speak of my inside darkness and pain. I no longer have much to do with family from the past. Their lives are good, they are happy and don't understand what I struggle. Lived up to what my mother told me about not amounting to a hill of beans. I truly do not see myself as such. Lots of poor choices in relationships. I ceased being the people pleasing person I had always been and realized mostly I was being used. I finally learned and feel so much better about myself. I can now set boundaries and and even be a bit selfish. I have a grandson of 4 years. He loves to come spend the day as do I.

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Hello Parus, I have PTSD I think since I was born. I just wanted to stop by say hello.

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@lisalucier

Hello, @vickimurray – welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Sounds like you have been through a lot of pain from your upbringing with verbal and emotional abuse from your father. It sounds difficult that your extended family does not seem to get it and expects you to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps."

Hoping members in this discussion like @liz67 @parus @alamogal635 @peach414144 @hopeful33250 @crissdawn and others will return to offer their thoughts on 1) your experiences with abuse in your childhood and 2) other people telling you to count your blessings and how that may not be sufficient, given the past trauma.

Have you felt that the years and years of therapy were useful in your journey, vickimurray?

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No doubt therapy has saved by life. I had some smatterings of therapy as an adult, but the real work began after I returned from Afghanistan. My PTSD doesn't have anything to do with Afghanistan, as a matter of fact, that two years was the best of my life. I was the executive assistant for the director of a DOS program training Afghan police officers. I made amazing friends from all over the world, some of whom I still correspond with. The biggest advantage was getting to work with my son who had retired from the army and was working for a DOD Afghan program eradicating poppy. Getting to see him in his environment was truly (uh oh, I'm going to say it) a blessing. Not many mothers get to serve in a war zone with their child. I was happy, engaged in my work, and I felt wonderful about myself, especially when I went home and my folks treated me like the greatest thing since sliced bread. That was the general rule; if you were doing something out of the ordinary, they loved you; if you were just normal old Vicki or normal old Matthew, they didn't care about you so much. Anyway, when I came home from Afghanistan, I was definitely on the verge of losing it. I was working for a small social services company, and I picked up the phone and called their help line. I met the most extraordinary therapist who specialized in PTSD, and who completely understood the nature of PTSD, civilian or any other kind. Through my therapist I met a psychiatrist who really has his head screwed on right, and knows more about medications of all kinds than any doctor I've ever met. I've been seeing my therapist and psychiatrist for almost ten years. So, in answer to your question about whether or not therapy has done me good, oh, yes. However, it has to be the right psych team, and it has been my experience that that scenario is sometimes very hard to come by. I wish you luck in finding an appropriate team for yourself.

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