Survivors of toxic relationship with a Narcissist: Let's Connect

@dublin2019 Do you have access to YouTube? Dr. Ramani is an expert on narcissism. She has a YouTube channel that discusses almost anything you can think of on narcissism, including advice and techniques for living/staying in the marriage or with the person with narcissistic personality disorder. I would recommend listening to her. She helped me a lot in my experiences. Hang in there.

Hello @healthme,

You were asking about traits of narcissistic behavior. I found an article from Psychology Today magazine. Here is the link to the article.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist
As you read the article, you will find more information on these characteristics. You mentioned in your post that you think that your soon-to-be ex is a narcissist. Does he have some of the characteristics listed in this article or different ones?

@healthme It is difficult to diagnose a true narcissist because they are so charming and able to manipulate well. Finding a shrink or therapist that specializes in personality disorders or is aware of NPD, is my best advice. My father was not diagnosed until well into his 60's and he and my mother had been to MANY therapists over the years. After his diagnosis, he told my mom he would not be "on a couch" for the rest of his life and proceeded to divorce and shatter my mom after 42 years of marriage.

I lived with one for almost 18 years. Everything he talked about, he was “an expert” in. I almost asked him once, “are you an expert in childbirth?” But he would have been very mad at me. We went to one therapist who after listening to him for a half hour told him he was a narcissist. I almost fell off the couch laughing! He went to college online to be a psychiatrist, he was in his 70’s, but Covid hit and he couldn’t attend a conference. He never went back to school but he would tell people he was a doctor. So many examples I can’t remember them all. It’s not easy.

@dublin2019

You mentioned being diagnosed with breast cancer. How are you doing? Have you begun treatment yet?

@brandysparks My former good friend here in the block was a special person to associate with at first. We would watch sermons by Dr. Charles Stanley on YouTube together. During the sermons, he would write down quotes from the Bible that were brought up. After the sermon we'd have our own private study based on the quotes and how they'd have a positive influence on our lives. It was so enlightening. I later discovered that this new friend was a narcissist. He thought he was always right and had a superiority complex. He also turned into a sexual predator, where he would go to homeless shelters and seek out vulnerable women, such as alcoholics and drug addicts... Promising them a 'good' time if he took them home to his place. He would get them drunk or high only to take advantage of them sexually for days. The devil had him by the tail! He turned into such an evil man. One day he confronted me and pulled a knife on me. I called police and pressed charges. I just had to.

@colleenyoung been ages since we spoke. Hoping you can point the way to the right group. I will be 81 tomorrow. There is no way I should be alive or for that matter to have the food fortune to have spent the last 34 years with the love of my life who gave me a life. I was horribly abuse as a child from birth to 12. I was very premature. My poor mother was an alcoholic and suffered from depression. My father was a very sick angry 😡 man who likewise was an alcoholic. Twin sisters sexually abused me. The oldest sister was a classic narcissist. Somehow I found a way to survive and enjoy an amazing life. How much time I have is of course up for grabs. I am in excellent health. I am trying to discover what I can do to help others. We have 5 daughters and 12 grandchildren between us. So Colleen do you have any ideas.

Thanks 🙏 so much.

@dyas, you are a survivor. Wow!
In what way would you like to help others? Do you mean how might you volunteer your time in your local community?

Naturally, you can also help others here on Mayo Clinic Connect, too. Are you following the support group Aging Well? You might wish to join the discussions in that group, offer your tips and wisdom. 🙂

- Aging Well Support Group https://connect.mayoclinic.org/group/aging-well/

PS: Happy belated birthday.

Colleen, thank you 🙏 little time much to do. I will enjoy helping the Mayo Clinic in any way. Any suggestions most appreciated.

This morning I take my annual neurological psychological evaluation. My initial thought is to talk to my primary care doctor to see how I might best help out. My life experiences point me toward mental health.

Thanks again.

Mort Hurt

@dyas - Greetings!

I have a couple of Qs, if you are looking to help by sharing some of your experience and life lessons on this topic.

1 - May I ask what happens in an "annual neurological psychological evaluation"? I've contacted a neurologist, but unless something 'medically' is to be discovered, it seems I need to instead find a psychiatrist/psychologist to do an evaluation - specifically, memory issues, lifelong dysthymia, possibly adult ADD? Might help answer some of my lifelong challenges, even possibly help me feel better about my struggles and, at 69, still even move beyond them?

2 - My second Q would be, in awe of your good news and life, as you've described it, coming out of such a horrific childhood experience: how would you (even begin to) address your good fortune in finding a healthy, long-lasting love, and more?

I'll leave it at those 2 Qs for the time being.

I'm thinking that many of us reading/posting in this forum's topic would be interested in how your story developed, and that it would be most helpful to others, even though everyone's life circumstances vary.

But the core of living/growing up with narcissistic parents, even for some of us who knew they loved us and maybe were doing the best they could (easier to say at this age, but still a struggle): the core is so deeply sad, such a waste of a lot of years and opportunities, and such pain that I and my sibling in particular have spent our entire lives wrestling with - to no greater resolution than that it happened, and it continues with our 96+ year old mother in her decline, yet wanting the best for her continues as a driving force in our care and oversight of her declining time.

Such a dichotomy of loss and love, and even worse because no one in the family would acknowledge it; my sibling who has had life & death struggles with the codependency of her relationship with our mother has also lived in fear of - I think - the wrath of our mother if we were to discuss the dysfunction -, and the demise of our (emotionally fragile) mother if any hard yet real struggles were ever brought to light. All in an effort to get beyond it, at least not to feel so alone, isolated, deeply depressed about the struggle and its impact on every facet of our lives.

Ack! Went on longer than I intended to, but not so unusual for me.

If this is not how you meant to be 'of help' to others, completely understand. If there are others who'd care to respond to this kind of lifetime of sadness, in spite of all appearances, I welcome hearing about yours too.

To all who come here in the hope of some relief through sharing, and some connection, I wish you much peace.