Dealing with anger in someone with dementia: How do you respond?

diverdown1, Although it is sad to say, but you will have to learn how to accept these moments from your mother, without letting your emotions harm yourself. It will not improve, but only get worse - until the next phase kicks in. Hopefully you or another family member is close enough to your mother, so that they are able to respond as this disease advances. Please look into obtaining a book, or take a short source in the aspects of this disease, to familiarize with what to expect. I was sole caregiver for my wife for six years, what helped me was that I was given the book "The 36 Hour Day" - It no doubt helped me get through, and even love my wife more, by understanding what she was experiencing. There is also a lot of good advice available on this site, keep reading. Please, stay strong do all you can to support your mother, with all of the love and attention possible - you won't regret it in the future! Best to you and your family

Thank you! I will look for the book you suggested. My brother is living with my mom and he has his own issues...I guess we all do. I have seen what dementia can do. My partner's (now deceased), father just passed away about a month ago and I watched as he declined. It is brutal. He remembered so much from his childhood and would talk about it often. My mom is at the short term memory loss stage, but it is accelerating. It is difficult to even make her go to the doctor. She keeps cancelling appointments. She had an appendicitis last October and it was to be a really easy removal. It turned into a nightmare, as she had so much scar tissue from her c-sections with my brother and me that they had to actually make an incision in her stomach. It was touch and go for about a week. She has absolutely no memory of that. She does remember things from when I was a child and adolescent and even some things more recent. I really dread what is coming for her, me and my brother. I will definitely look into the book. Thank you for the reply.

@diverdown1
Hello:
Regarding support groups, there is a Caregiver Support Group on this site for Caregivers. It is not specifically just for caregivers for folks with dementia, but for anyone who is a caregiver.
On this site, scroll down further past the list of topics, and you will see the heading Events, and there is an email address listed for the Caregiver group. You can request the Zoom invite for the weekly caregivers meeting.
I attend a dementia support group through our Healthcare system monthly, and one through a research study we are part of that meets monthly.
Good luck to you as you seek necessary supports. 🌹🌻🌺

There are several online groups you can join. I'm in one that meets twice a month. A couple years ago, I found one that was once a month. I'm in a specific one for Lewy Body.

Some things can change, everyone is different. My Mom went through phases so some behaviors that were new did get better. However, overall, it's worse.

Hope you find something. If you know the type of dementia, you could search under that.

Dear @diverdown1
There is so much in your message. I have a very short window of time right now so I will focus on the first subject of your message, handling the anger.

Just because you are not living with her does not mean that you can't use one of the most effective responses: "Walk" away.

I'll explain that this is not as heartless as it may sound at first. We must all embrace that if helping a loved one with dementia was a sport it would be judo, not karate. Karate is about stopping an opponent's attack with a countermove and simultaneously delivering a debilitating blow. In judo, you use the other person's momentum and change it slightly to alter the effect. Accordingly, when partnering with dementia, everyone gains when we take whatever troubled energy our afflicted person is experiencing and deflect it. When a loved one is angry or confused or stuck, we can break the lock of that state by changing the "music" of the situation, making a silly joke, changing the subject with alacrity, proposing a known favorite treat, literally playing evocative music, etc.

But there are times when they may be in a cognitive rut or you may not have the energy to deflect and avoid getting sucked into a spiral of negativity, In such cases, it can be best to simply walk away. Staying in the conversation in such cases does nothing to alter the person's mood and it leaves you debilitated. It may even build up resentment toward the ill person.

In your case, this might take the form of saying "Mom, it is going to be ok. We have arranged for that. If that is the only thing you want to talk about, I need to go. I love you. We'll talk later. "

Remember, stewing in that anger is not good for her either. Taking away the audience by walking away can deflate that negative emotion and open her mind to better thoughts.

You sound like a realistic and compassionate person. Just as with cognitively intact friends, enabling our dementia loved ones to stew in anger is not the best thing we can do for them.

Wishing you more peace.

Highly recommend googling “Loving Detachment”, it REALLY helped me to cope during the worsening dementia years of home care-giving and now that he is in AL.
It will be very hard for you, but Loving Detachment teaches you that there are situations where you must step back and seek peace for yourself, as you have absolutely no control and little to no influence. With dementia, you can’t expect reasonable thought from a person whose brain can’t reason, thus “I won’t go to the doctor”, “I won’t take my pills”. You can’t expect short term memory from a person whose brain is becoming broken with every day that passes. Of course, she doesn’t remember x, y, and z. Stop fighting Mr Dementia- he has a tight grip on your mom and he isn’t letting go, ever. Enjoy the moments of lucidity, enjoy laughter with sharing an old funny family story. Just yesterday during a visit, we laughed and laughed when I brought up the old family story of the potato launcher my husband built with the kids from PVC pipe and shot off in the backyard. I can think of a hundred of them and each time I bring one up, we laugh again. The kids childhood and his childhood work best.
It will be very hard, but don’t answer the phone when your mom calls for the 2nd and later times. Don’t stay on the phone when she segues into anger, just say, “Gotta go”. Don’t get to reason with her. Don’t argue with her, just reflect and repeat back to her what she’s saying to you when in person.
My husband advanced to exactly the same as your mom AND it landed him in the hospital, BUT it was the best thing, they kept him for 3-4 days to straighten everything out from refusing meds, refusing his diabetic diet, and staying up all night. We were told they arranging for AL “for now, to receive PT “. I quick prepared the AL room and he was transferred to it by wheelchair van, although he was full ambulatory. He received PT there and got settled into a routine and the days progressed into months, no five years. He has a circle of guy friends, loves the staff, has never asked to come home.

@centre This was encouraging. How often do you visit?

@maryvc The transport to the AL purposefully did not involve me, I was afraid he wouldn’t get out of the car. The facility staff said not to meet him there or to visit for three days. They also suggested very strongly not to visit every day or to stay for long periods. When a spouse does that, the person has much more difficulty settling in, developing friendships, getting involved in activities, or being willing to leave their room for special presentations, like music. It felt weird and I was worried about him, but I figured this is what they do for a living and I need to trust them. Guess what, they were right! The wife of the guy across the hall comes daily and stays long hours, he rarely comes out of his room, says he’s waiting for his wife.
I visit Wednesday and Saturday early afternoon for approx an hour and a half. I do those days to be there during the work week when admin is there and on the weekend to keep an eye on what’s what when the “cat’s away”. Early afternoon you’re not interfering with morning care and med passes, the person has had lunch but has probably not laid down yet for a nap.
I refresh water and soda in his small fridge, refresh the incontinence briefs in the bathroom, tidy up a bit, etc. Then we head out to the car. He likes Dunkin drive-through for coffee and a donut, then we take a drive. We live in a rural area, he likes to drive over by the farms. He also likes to go on a few errands to familiar stores, he waits in the car and reads brochures I picked up at a nearby visitor center. He doesn’t understand the words, but they have lots of photos and fit nicely into the car door inside holder. I only do this with very short errands. When we get back to the facility, he’s always looking for his guy group friends. I give him a kiss and off he goes.

I'm married to one of the most wonderful, smart, kind, generous woman ever, with Alzheimer's, who would stand next to me at 2am and scream that we had to 'get out of the house right now because her brother was on his way to kill us,' or 'why wasn't I doing something because the neighbors had stolen all her clothes,' or ..... . I spoke to her neurologist and he prescribed a medication (antidepressant) that would take about two weeks to be effective. It helped.

@centre That's great that he looks forward to the guys. My husband is the most verbal. There are only two guys and they really don't talk or have conversations. The other 10 residents are women. So he is a bit lonely and bored but they do have activities and he goes to therapy and has a personal trainer. I skipped today and felt guilty but your response was reassuring.