Dear @diverdown1
There is so much in your message. I have a very short window of time right now so I will focus on the first subject of your message, handling the anger.

Just because you are not living with her does not mean that you can't use one of the most effective responses: "Walk" away.

I'll explain that this is not as heartless as it may sound at first. We must all embrace that if helping a loved one with dementia was a sport it would be judo, not karate. Karate is about stopping an opponent's attack with a countermove and simultaneously delivering a debilitating blow. In judo, you use the other person's momentum and change it slightly to alter the effect. Accordingly, when partnering with dementia, everyone gains when we take whatever troubled energy our afflicted person is experiencing and deflect it. When a loved one is angry or confused or stuck, we can break the lock of that state by changing the "music" of the situation, making a silly joke, changing the subject with alacrity, proposing a known favorite treat, literally playing evocative music, etc.

But there are times when they may be in a cognitive rut or you may not have the energy to deflect and avoid getting sucked into a spiral of negativity, In such cases, it can be best to simply walk away. Staying in the conversation in such cases does nothing to alter the person's mood and it leaves you debilitated. It may even build up resentment toward the ill person.

In your case, this might take the form of saying "Mom, it is going to be ok. We have arranged for that. If that is the only thing you want to talk about, I need to go. I love you. We'll talk later. "

Remember, stewing in that anger is not good for her either. Taking away the audience by walking away can deflate that negative emotion and open her mind to better thoughts.

You sound like a realistic and compassionate person. Just as with cognitively intact friends, enabling our dementia loved ones to stew in anger is not the best thing we can do for them.

Wishing you more peace.