Early Alzheimers: He thinks he can do things he no longer can

@kjc48 I just emailed lespron.katherine@mayo.edu to request attending next week's zoom meeting. Linda

@trishaanderson If you're interested and didn't see some of the messages, there's a zoom Mayo Caregivers meeting every Thursday at 12 noon Arizona time. The contact is lespron.katherine@mayo.edu. I'm going to try to get in it next week, but my DH has an appointment this week at that time. Linda

@lkbous
Hi, I don't get to attend every week, but am always welcomed and love the group.

I have the same situation, of course. If I try to help my wife, she says, "I'm not a baby". She also lost her license exactly 2 years ago. She's upstairs, where she has been for about a year every day, "studying the driver's book to get her license back. It's heart-wrenching!! I just can't tell her she can't get it back. I take her on the weekends to school or empty industrial parking lots to let her drive. That satisfied her for about a year. Of course, she can't remember how to put it in drive, but we still do it, and she says I just haven't done this for a long time. She couldn't do mazes or the mini cogs when they came to test her at the neurologist's request. Her children see her very little, even though all three are less than 30 minutes away. So, I practice the mazes with her, usually after church on Sunday, and we practice the six mini cogs most neurologists use. She says she knows them, even though she can't do them. Every time we try, she starts talking and never gets through them. I eventually give up with her saying, "I can do those". It is extremely stressful and I still work from home. She can still get around the neighborhood and walk our little Goldendoodle. I make her take her phone with a tracker on it and she complains and balks every time. She got locked in a one-person bathroom a few weeks ago at my doctor's office and I was yelling for her to turn the doorknob. After 10 minutes, I was headed to the front desk to get maintenance to come take off the knob or door or something, she finally got out. So I don't let her go in any one-person restrooms now.
I had a doctor overdose me on prednisone, and between that and, they say, all the stress, I ended up with and ruptured colon and had an emergency colostomy and now on oxygen 24/7 and retinal detachment in one eye and cataracts in the other. No one understands the stress, and my wife understands it the least. I wish I had answers for all or even any of us. I've been through a lot in life, but in those situations, understanding and reasoning helped. With Dementia, there is no reasoning. My wife's not violent, like. I've read that some here have trouble with. So, as long as your husband doesn't get violent, you're ahead of the game. I try to take it one situation at a time and usually say "You're right," and that usually ends things. When it comes to her safety, I don't back down, and usually she will give in and do what I'm asking her to do, but she gets mad and says I'm mean. I've been on this site for about three years, and it's been good just to see I'm not alone. So I'm glad you shared what's going on with you and your husband.

@jimandkaren
My husband says, "You're not my Mother " a lot when I try to help him. If I don't help him, he scorns me and says I'm too busy to be any help to him. No way to win some days, and by win, I mean peace and comfort for us both. And then he has moments of crystal clarity. He sometimes even remembers things I've forgotten long ago! Makes me feel demented too!
I am so sorry to hear about your health issues. I don't know how you manage and still help your wife. I have been considering in home care but he rejects anyone coming into the house because of his health issues (stroke/leukemia) and low immunity. What kind of help have you found?
You sound very accomplished at the techniques you've developed to help your wife. A wife caring for a husband is hard because men are bigger and stronger (generally), and used to having things the way they want them. I am trying to develop my techniques. And, you are right, saying, "you're right," is usually best--except when he wants to get on the roof with the heavy gas powered pruner!! Stay strong! I didn't think I would like participating in one of these online spaces, but talking about it in an anonymous space is freeing.

I read this with my mouth hanging open. This sounds exactly like my husband, the unreasonable expectations of himself, anger, telling you to leave. All the same. My husband's behaviors have been exaggerated by a recent surgery. The recovery did not go well because he would not follow doctor's orders. I don't know what to do and wonder how other women try to help their angry husbands.
In the meantime, I believe in a higher power and try to remember that it is his life yet the impulse to help and keep them safe takes precedence.
Blessings!

@athena2023
Based on the posts I've read on this site, folks address angry spouses with meds. Finding the right med to calm your spouse would be helpful. Good luck. 🪻

@lkbous I do the same and it does seem to help to get him on board with the plan.