I think I’m bipolar

@justagirlwhoyaps Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I am glad you're here. I am glad to see your post and how complete your thought process is, on what you are feeling and going through. It shows to me that you have thought a lot about this!

Now, what I am going to say may run counter to what you are thinking. Being a young person like you are, there are still a lot of emotional upheavals in your system being that young. No matter the home environment or the events that you have already experienced. That said, there is also the additional factors of the traumatic events you have already talked to us about. So, there are several factors at play here. I'm glad that you are back in to seeing a therapist, and as she told you it may take a little bit to figure out exactly what is going on. I will tell you that even as a young person, my emotions were all over the place also, and going through traumatic experiences I never knew how I was going to feel on any given day. It has colored my life ever since then.

I'm sorry to hear that your folks are not on board necessarily with your mental health concerns. Are there other family members or close friends that you can turn to? Sometimes having a trusted adult to talk to, means the world of difference. I know it was the case for me! If you do indeed receive a formal diagnosis of bipolar or another mental health condition, at least you will understand what is going on and it will be a step forward for you to start working on yourself. So, rather than being terrified of getting a diagnosis, look forward to having something concrete that you can move forward with. That will be a big positive in your life. Do you think you can do this?

Something that you might try to help you is journaling your thoughts. It helps to get things out of your mind and onto paper or screen. Ginger

@gingerw hi, wow thank you for all of this, your words are so kind :’) ! I have a best friend I talk to usually about what it is I’m feeling but I’ve tried to rely more so on myself when it comes to regulating my emotions so I don’t talk very heavily about it with him as much as I used to.

I have been journaling for quite some time now! I think I am capable of accepting whatever diagnosis I get or even if I don’t get one, I believe I’ll be able to cope with it eventually. I’m trying to stay focused on becoming better coping with my episodes rather than fitting a criteria to put a name on what I’m feeling as I feel that would be a healthier route to go at the moment. I understand I’m still going through the motions of aging and my emotions are heightened and changing as well, I try my best to factor that into the equation of my feelings so that I’m not too harsh on myself when I’m down or even happy. I think im looking for clarity and understanding of what it exactly is I feel, but I know the process takes time and I’m willing to take it slow as long I’m better in the end!

@justagirlwhoyaps Two sayings I like to use on myself, and freely pass on to others:
- "Be gentle on yourself"
- "Don't "should" on yourself."

You show a lot of insight. I am rooting for you, and that your therapist will be able to get a better understanding of what you feel are the issues to address.
Ginger

@justagirlwhoyaps thanks for sharing your experiences here. It sounds like you are approaching things in a very thoughtful way.

Only your doctors can diagnose you, and as they mentioned, this may or may not come with time. It could be bipolar, a different diagnosis, or you working through some really tough stuff (all of which deserve support, diagnosis or not).

Can I recommend something as someone who lives with bipolar disorder? Work on things that are good for you regardless of diagnosis. The #1 thing IMHO for bipolar is sleep regulation. Developing and practicing very good sleep hygiene is the most important lifestyle intervention to manage bipolar. And even if you don’t have bipolar - it’s a healthy habit for almost anyone, especially teens and young adults.

One more thing is that you can track your sleep and moods in a calendar. This can help establish a diagnosis if you can correlate mood changes to sleep, season, menstrual cycle, interpersonal issues, stress, etc. if you take any meds, be sure to mark those changes on there as well.

Good luck and no matter what happens, you can handle it.

@ashleyharris728 thank you for your advice! I’ve been doing my best to make sure I’m sleeping as much as i need to, but it’s been hard as my thoughts race quite a lot when I’m trying to. I’ve been tracking my feelings for a year now but I’ve never heard of the calendar method, I’ll try that as well. Since you are a person who is bipolar, how did you get through your mood swings? I’m not sure if I am or not but I’m having trouble navigating my own.

@justagirlwhoyaps my best pieces of advice are
1) have a routine of healthy habits and stick to it. You cannot do what you are in the mood for, when you have mood swings. This can be built over time, but this includes waking at the same time, eating healthy foods at predictable and consistent intervals, having a consistent exercise routine, etc.
2) Lean “out” (as opposed to leaning in) to moods. For example, do not be exercise a ton when you have loads of energy. In fact, make a plan in advance where you place a limit on the amount of exercise you can get per day. On the other side, if you are depressed, don’t nap or skip getting dressed. Get out of bed, eat something nutritious, and brush your teeth.
You have to figure out what works for you. It can take awhile to develop a set of tools. Many of these types of tools are great for any person, regardless of diagnosis - meditation, yoga, breath techniques.
It’s so hard. Honestly it is the work of a lifetime. But the sooner you find strategies that help you cope, the better off you will be. It sounds like you have a real willingness and tenacity to put in the work which is commendable. Keep working with your therapist and keep an open mind about meds if that time comes. Good luck and take care 🙂

Hi, I’m going to break this into parts and go long, but as someone who wasn't diagnosed bipolar II until I was 59, I'll offer some thoughts here. The diagnosis explained my entire life and I'm quite convinced it's accurate. I wish I’d known decades ago, my life might very well have been less turbulent. So it’s better that you’re seeking an answer now.

First, this is a very good forum where you'll get sound advice. It's moderated by professionals, which is critical. I'd caution against getting in Facebook groups and other such online resources unless they’re overseen by qualified professionals. People mean well, but un-moderated sites can be rife with misinformation, and that can be harmful.

Second, I'm glad you are reaching out. I never did at your age or for many decades. I've had severe mood swings and deep depressions going back to childhood, and they never let up. This led me into some pretty dangerous places, including sometimes heavy drug use from my late teens well into my mid-twenties that went as far as some experimentation with heroin and nearly killing myself with cocaine. You DON'T want to get to that place or into any other potentially deadly behaviors. So by seeking help right now, you're doing the right thing.

Third, I had passing thoughts of suicide dating back to junior high, and made my first attempt in 9th grade. This is huge, and again, you DON'T want to ignore that. I didn't get actively suicidal again until 59, which landed me in the hospital and finally led me to treatment. It was terrifying to hit that wall. I let my depression go far too long, and hid it as best as possible, an ability I developed fairly early on and stuck with. That was destructive. I wish like you can’t possibly believe that I'd gotten help when I was your age. I experienced decades of severe depressive episodes that perhaps could have been eased or even successfully treated (I'm on a medication now that has brought it completely under control and have been happier and more settled than at any time in my life).

This leads to fourth: do get medical attention now. Whether you are bipolar or not is something only a psychiatrist can hopefully and correctly diagnose. There could be a different condition as well. Self-diagnosis is simply not possible, and even general physicians can miss the underlying issue because they aren't trained to identify it. My doctor put me on antidepressants when I finally reported chronic depression in my forties. They helped for a while but gradually backfired on me and amplified the depression to a suicidal level. I want to stress that this is an extremely rare occurrence, but it is documented in the literature. It was only after I was under the care of a psychiatrist that this was identified, and the medication changed. My personal physician, who I chose to quit seeing after my hospitalization, diagnosis, and medication change, was surprised that the antidepressants were identified as a problem for me, and unaware that the new medication I was placed on could treat bipolar, which he never suspected. So see a psychiatrist. Don't leave it to your general provider to make the call on what your condition is. Ask for a referral instead.

Fifth, find a therapist. This is as essential as finding a good psychiatrist. It’s been an enormous help for me. It can take time to find a good fit for yourself, relationships between therapists and clients are very dependent on the chemistry between them. Someone who works very well with one individual might not work so well with another. It's not because they're incompetent, it's just the nature of therapy and the trust that needs to develop for it to be effective. So if the first one doesn't feel right, don't hesitate to see if someone else does.

Sixth, if you have trusted friends, consider opening up to them. This can be both intimidating and, if the person proves untrustworthy, not so helpful. So be selective. I’ve chosen to be open with a number of people since I was discharged from the hospital and it’s been very very helpful. However, those are friendships dating back many years, sometimes thirty or more, so there’s a history of trust that’s been built up on a level that isn’t available to you at your age. If you have close friends you do trust, however, consider opening up. Especially since you’re reporting struggles with your family.

Seventh: I had difficult relationships with all of my family members, and there were a lot of denied mental illness problems going on there. For me, getting away from my family in my mid-twenties and after coming off of drugs was a big help. Putting physical distance between them and myself allowed me the space to better understand the family dynamics. In my case, I went from on drugs to on the road for a few years (a different but healthier form of escape), jumping continents for extended periods. Experiencing life in other nations – especially poorer ones where you can witness how bad life can get – is an eye opener and that can provide needed perspective. Eventually I settled in a different state, and my relationship with my family – by that point held at a distance – actually improved substantially. I’m the only member of my birth family still alive, so I’m thankful I was able to repair those relationships to the point of being better than they ever had been before it was too late. Getting some space on your family could be beneficial.

Eighth, I was lucky to marry someone with whom I’ve had a very fulfilling relationship with. Next week will mark 33 years as a couple. I went through extended serial monogamy and several cohabitations before that however, looking for relief in partnership and sex. This ultimately landed me in a destructive relationship with an emotionally abusive woman that wrecked my life for a while, both during and after, and led to the worst depressive episode I experienced until I turned actively suicidal at 59. There were countless red lights flashing as I fell into that one, but wanting physical comfort overrode all the signs I should have heeded. So be very careful who you date, and if your mind is telling you to be wary, listen to yourself. I could have avoided a lot of pain if I’d done so.

Finally, I meticulously hid my suicidal thoughts from my wife, something she now says she should have recognized, but I’ve told her I don’t feel the same way. I took every measure I could to prevent her from knowing. Help was right there in front of me and I still avoided it. Meanwhile as my condition worsened in my latter 50s, it exhibited outwardly as extreme rage, something I couldn’t hide and that nearly cost me my marriage. Fortunately, since changing medications over two years ago, I’ve had absolutely no losses of temper – and not a single suicidal thought – and we’re better off now than we were at 29 when we first got together. Not seeking help, however, also nearly cost me the single best thing that has ever happened in my life. You don’t want to lose the people and things most important to you, and getting help now can prevent this.

This is a lot to digest, but again, I’ve been through the mill, and if you’ve gotten this far and my experience can help you, it’s worth detailing. You’re young, you have a life in front of you. I want it to be a good one. Don’t hesitate. Seek help.

Meanwhile, this site, which is free and allows for tracking moods, sleep, and other indicators, has been hugely beneficial for me. I can’t recall now how I stumbled on it, but I now have over two years of data on myself. It’s helped me pay better attention to where I’m at on a daily basis. When I do experience down days, anxiety, or anger – both now pretty mild but it still happens – I always put in the notes what was going on so I can go back and check later to make sure no trends are emerging. And I know how much I’m sleeping. Sleep deprivation was another driver of my deepening depression a few years ago. I’ve given my therapist and psychiatrist full access to my account so that they have the same information if needed. I can’t recommend it enough.
https://insights.emoodtracker.com/login
Hang in there. Millions of people experience mental health crises. For some it’s temporary, for others it’s lifelong. But you are not alone. Not in the least.