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I think I’m bipolar
I’m rather young (18) but I’ve always been extremely in tune with my mental health and emotions. Since I was a little kid, I always struggled with severe depression and anxiety, it got worse as I got older because my household environment is very toxic and my parents arent very open minded to mental health and getting help. I’ve had significant childhood traumatic experiences that left a lasting impact on me that have caused me to experience a number of struggles.
I have terrible mood swings where I go from extremely depressed, extremely angry, impulsive, and low self esteem (SH and thoughts of indulging in risky behaviors) to having energy i couldn’t seem to find weeks ago, patient, happy and behaving in strange ways that throw off my friends and family. I tell my friends and family that it feels like what I’m going through is more than just your typical depression but they tell me nothing is wrong with me and that I’m just growing up. Which makes me rather angry because it feels dismissive and like theyre not listening to me. I’ve had unstable relationships in the past due to my depression and although it’s not as bad as it used to be as I’ve been able to manage it somewhat better now and hold myself accountable for my behavior when I’m having an episode, it’s still very evident that something isn’t right with me. I can feel it but if I ever do get a diagnosis, I’m not sure how to feel about it because then it would be real. I don’t know what my friends and my family would think of me if I ever told I was bipolar. I’ve been in therapy twice and I stopped for two years but I’m currently back in it now and I had my first appointment today after having a mental breakdown at school. I told her (my therapist) my suspicions about me being bipolar and she told me we’ll see down the line if my suspicions are correct since I’m just now starting therapy back up again.
I’m just very terrified of actually being diagnosed even though it would relieve some of the thoughts burdening my head and soul. But at the same time I’m not sure I’d be able to handle it. I’m not really sure.
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@justagirlwhoyaps Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I am glad you're here. I am glad to see your post and how complete your thought process is, on what you are feeling and going through. It shows to me that you have thought a lot about this!
Now, what I am going to say may run counter to what you are thinking. Being a young person like you are, there are still a lot of emotional upheavals in your system being that young. No matter the home environment or the events that you have already experienced. That said, there is also the additional factors of the traumatic events you have already talked to us about. So, there are several factors at play here. I'm glad that you are back in to seeing a therapist, and as she told you it may take a little bit to figure out exactly what is going on. I will tell you that even as a young person, my emotions were all over the place also, and going through traumatic experiences I never knew how I was going to feel on any given day. It has colored my life ever since then.
I'm sorry to hear that your folks are not on board necessarily with your mental health concerns. Are there other family members or close friends that you can turn to? Sometimes having a trusted adult to talk to, means the world of difference. I know it was the case for me! If you do indeed receive a formal diagnosis of bipolar or another mental health condition, at least you will understand what is going on and it will be a step forward for you to start working on yourself. So, rather than being terrified of getting a diagnosis, look forward to having something concrete that you can move forward with. That will be a big positive in your life. Do you think you can do this?
Something that you might try to help you is journaling your thoughts. It helps to get things out of your mind and onto paper or screen. Ginger
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1 Reaction@gingerw hi, wow thank you for all of this, your words are so kind :’) ! I have a best friend I talk to usually about what it is I’m feeling but I’ve tried to rely more so on myself when it comes to regulating my emotions so I don’t talk very heavily about it with him as much as I used to.
I have been journaling for quite some time now! I think I am capable of accepting whatever diagnosis I get or even if I don’t get one, I believe I’ll be able to cope with it eventually. I’m trying to stay focused on becoming better coping with my episodes rather than fitting a criteria to put a name on what I’m feeling as I feel that would be a healthier route to go at the moment. I understand I’m still going through the motions of aging and my emotions are heightened and changing as well, I try my best to factor that into the equation of my feelings so that I’m not too harsh on myself when I’m down or even happy. I think im looking for clarity and understanding of what it exactly is I feel, but I know the process takes time and I’m willing to take it slow as long I’m better in the end!
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1 Reaction@justagirlwhoyaps Two sayings I like to use on myself, and freely pass on to others:
- "Be gentle on yourself"
- "Don't "should" on yourself."
You show a lot of insight. I am rooting for you, and that your therapist will be able to get a better understanding of what you feel are the issues to address.
Ginger
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1 Reaction@justagirlwhoyaps thanks for sharing your experiences here. It sounds like you are approaching things in a very thoughtful way.
Only your doctors can diagnose you, and as they mentioned, this may or may not come with time. It could be bipolar, a different diagnosis, or you working through some really tough stuff (all of which deserve support, diagnosis or not).
Can I recommend something as someone who lives with bipolar disorder? Work on things that are good for you regardless of diagnosis. The #1 thing IMHO for bipolar is sleep regulation. Developing and practicing very good sleep hygiene is the most important lifestyle intervention to manage bipolar. And even if you don’t have bipolar - it’s a healthy habit for almost anyone, especially teens and young adults.
One more thing is that you can track your sleep and moods in a calendar. This can help establish a diagnosis if you can correlate mood changes to sleep, season, menstrual cycle, interpersonal issues, stress, etc. if you take any meds, be sure to mark those changes on there as well.
Good luck and no matter what happens, you can handle it.