Selfharm

@colleenyoung Appreciate your asking. I posted in the CBD oil anxiety thread about current status. No need to be repetitive. Have been drawing. Nothing related to garden though. Did bring all houseplants in as temps are in the 30’s. Leaves will start turning. Usually have by now. Cold is painful so no playing outside. Next warmer day will be pot emptying day 😔

I have selfharmed for a long time. On a few occasions I have selfharmed because of suicidal thoughts. This caused me to cut a vein in my arm, imagining I would bleed out. However, I knew 99% chance I wouldn’t die and couldn’t imagine myself being successful. I wanted to be found? Am I attention seeking? Is it a suicide attempt or me being suicidal or is it just selfharm?

Hi, @mia001,

Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. You may notice that I moved your discussion and combined it with an existing discussion titled, "Selfharm." I did this so your message would be seen by all of the members who've discussed experiences with self-harm here previously. If you are replying by email, click on VIEW & REPLY to be brought to the new location of your post and to read through some of the messages shared by other members.

With self-harming for a long time, I can imagine you have endured much emotional pain. I'd like to request that some other members I referred to who've been involved in this conversation would return to address your questions about whether you were cutting in a way that could cause bleeding out because you were wanting to be found or attention seeking, or if you were just suicidal. Please meet @parus @rlinstrot @georgette12 @ryman. @hopeful33250 and @gingerw may also have some input for you.

What is your thought on whether your cutting was truly suicidal, or something else, @mia001?

@lisalucier Thankyou for your reply and for moving my post.

I’m not sure. Sometimes I think the only reason I’m not dead is because I can’t think of a way to end my life painlessly and with 99% chance of success.

There have been times when I’m driving that I’ve pulled over because I was terrified I would deliberately crash. But even though the urge was there and strong, there was still a voice in my head saying “What if you survive? You can’t afford a new car. It would be so embarrassing. What if you ended up disabled?”

I definitely have thoughts of suicide and suicidal urges.

I definitely self harm.

But is it really a suicide attempt when I self harm and it hurts too much for me too cut deeper? When I know the chances are I won’t be able to do it? When part of me is hoping someone will find me? When I’m screaming in my head for some kind of escape from this pain?

This question has been bothering me for a while. Then today I had an appointment with a psychiatrist that my doctor referred me to, for review. I didn’t like the psych as he was quite abrupt and I felt was rude. He said that what I did was not a suicide attempt and I should not use the word suicide. That if I’d really wanted to commit suicide I would have cut my throat or jumped off a bridge.

His instant reaction and reply shocked me, and to be honest, made me feel guilty, humiliated and ashamed.

I really urge you to call a crisis line for help when you are feeling suicidal. Your local county has a crisis line or lines for life is good. I understand uou are in deep pain and it seems the hest way out id suicide. I have had several suicide attempts. I understand your thinking "what if it doesnt work". I have a defibrillator so it would shock me. Nothing lasts forever and pain and depression can get better. You need to find another pyschiatrist. Please reach out to a crisis line for help.

@suscros68 I do use help lines when I get really scared. The problem is sometimes... I don’t want to. It’s like I rebel against my sensible self when I’m emotionally overwhelmed.

Just to clarify, the psychiatrist was a one-off appointment requested by my doctor as a review. I’m definitely not seeing that psychiatrist again though!

I do see a psychologist fortnightly whom I connect with really well. That’s been helping although I still feel awkward and tend to avoid talking about suicidal thoughts and or going into detail about selfharm.

Sometimes I find writing down my thoughts and then giving it to my psych helps me communicate... maybe I will write something before our session this week.

Pain and depression can get better. Self-harm is an outlet and a distraction. At times it can even be a way of seeking attention or asking for help. There are healthier ways of dealing with the pain and loneliness that come with depression. When we hurt there are healthier ways to deal with hurt. Depression can bring with it isolation because we cannot feel like others or enjoy the things they do. Seeing a therapist is a healthy start. Be honest about your self harming with the therapist and do not hide it. Secrets can be harmful.
Writing is a start and can be easier for some than talking. Never hesitate to call a help line.

@mia001 Would you mind my asking your age? How long have you been feeling this way? Was this the first time you met with the psychiatrist? Have you tried or seen another one?

@mia001 Please be gentle with yourself. I feel bad that the psychiatrist you saw yesterday seemed to be so dismissive. As we go through on our journey in feelings of hopelessness and depression, our emotions are very raw and any little thing can be a trigger. Remember that every day the sun rises in the East and sets in the West. How we choose to address each day is our choice and it never is easy. Like @parus has said, being able to talk to somebody and get your secrets out will help so much. The person you see twice a month needs to understand what you are going through in order for your therapy there to be effective and for them to be able to help you. Please don't shut them out; they can be a very valuable tool for you! We're glad that you're here at Mayo Connect and we certainly will offer support and relate our experiences. What can you tell us [when you're comfortable] about your family/social situation? Do you have family or friends that you can confide in that understand the angst that you must feel going through this? Well I have never done self-harm by cutting I believe there are several forms of self-harm including addictions of all sorts. Getting a grasp on what is the underlying cause to hopelessness and depression is a never-ending challenge for each of us and I challenge each of us to continue the fight!
Ginger

@mia001- I can feel your pain screaming through your writing. I don't really think that you want to kill yourself, I think that you are crying out for help, and have been for while. a long time ago my twin sister's daughter came to live with me. She self-harmed too. She told me that it was because physical pain took away the mental pain. She had every reason to be in emotional pain. Thankfully my husband and I found a wonderful therapist. Do you know what has traumatized you for so long? From my own experience it sometimes takes awhile to find therapist who just clicks with you. I believe that you need to find another one. Please seek out new therapist as soon as possible. Please don't give up trying to get help, because no one here will.