Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

Hi @grandmajoan

It is great that he is asking for help. It tells you that those tasks are troubling him. When it all began for us, my husband started having trouble with calendar items. I would tell him something was planned and he would not remember; he also did not remember to put them on his calendar. He asked me to put it on our shared calendar and I thought he was being lazy. Only after more things started to lapse did I realize that it was not laziness, but difficulty.

I say it is great that he expresses this because now you can fill in those areas of anxiety for him. I firmly believe that the more you can smoothly complement him as things become difficult, the better for both of you. Complementing them (helping them keep doing what they can while supporting their areas of capability loss) has two big benefits:

• One objective is practical: It is to enable him to achieve outcomes that he wants, but can no longer accomplish on his own.

• Even more importantly, there is an emotional, psychic objective: It is to minimize, and even eliminate, the stress of losing capabilities.

If we leave them to struggle with the losses (and their fear of new losses) the costs can be very high:

- They can become Depressed, Frustrated, Angry. The difficulty of it all, the embarrassment and perceived hopelessness, can drive depression. It can also lead to overall mood and demeanor changes. [It is true that the disease can create brain changes that can make people angry and violent. But in my experience some of these behaviors can arise from frustrations that are avoidable with focused help. My husband is very sweet but for many years we have focused on filling his mind with positive things because left to ruminate on his own confusion, his mood can darken.

- Their world may get very small, very fast. Early on, I noticed that he just just stopped doing the things that were hard. Dropping hobbies and other activities that they used to enjoy is an early symptom of dementia. It can turn into a pattern of apathy. As our loved ones successively cut out activities and friends, our lives become smaller as well.

- They may create significant medical, financial, and social problems. Our loved ones may continue to do things, but not do them well. Discussions with doctors may be misleading or forgotten. "complex" social interactions can lead to alienation from friends or family. Financial transactions can be entered into erroneously, or scams accepted. My husband and I talked to our financial advisor about a potential change and decided to think it over. I got a message that that change had been implemented and called our advisor, very upset, because I believed that he had jumped the gun. It turns out my husband had approved the change online.

I would just add that this is a good time to start planning for outside help. You will be helping him live his daily life and, over time, managing your joint life. You will need help and it is good to establish early that others can help him in a caring and enjoyable relationship. It was tough at first. I didn't even know what to direct the person to do. Happily my first caregiver was experienced and helped to show me the way.

In closing, I have really benefited from the fact that my husband has been transparent with me about what is troubling him. We can't solve the issues that we do not know. And the emotional ones are the most important.

Wishing you growing confidence and comfort in this new role.

@kmliste It is exhausting all of the time, and so very lonely. I don't think I can ever learn to smile and walk away. H is pretty stable, too. People outside of our family that know his diagnosis (whatever that is) say he doesn't seem like he's any different, boy do I wish that were true. He can be mean, he thinks he's always right and will look up things as soon as I say them to see if I'm right and delights if he has the slightest differentiation. When he gets confused in a conversation we're having or we're talking in circles (again), well you said, well you said, well I thought, blah blah blah, he will take a high and mighty stance and will say something like "ok, let's go back and go over this again!" and proceeds to explain what I said or did wrong and his version of how it played out, which is a confabulation. sometimes even telling me that I "need to learn". So very out of character for the man I married that was so understanding, kind, sweet, etc., etc.
Since he is still super independent, I find my self avoiding him and keeping very busy all day in every room except the one he's in, glued to the tv and his phone. I cry a lot because I hate this life and facing the future.
I'm sorry, I just realized I totally vented on you. I really wasn't replying to you to be all about me, but I'm leaving it so you know there are others grappling and so anyone else coming by will know they are not alone.
Bless you and keep on keeping on.

I took the following steps when I noticed things "weren't right" with my DH and it lead to his MCI diagnosis. Maybe this could be helpful to others:

*I started to keep of log of issues that I saw; all those little things that were odd, not right, not his usual self. I used my Notes app on my iPhone and included the date and a description of what happened. Once I saw from my own notes that there were some patterns and it wasn't just me thinking weirdly, we went to the neurologist, thank goodness. Those notes were also helpful to the neurologist and neuro-psychologist.

*Once we got the MCI diagnosis, I had a private conversation with our financial planner to explain the situation and asked that absolutely no transactions be conducted unless we both had approved it. He also suggested that I fill out a form that would allow me to do certain future account transfers more easily once DH wasn't capable.

*I had to accept the fact that I have to go to every doctor's appointment with him; the audiologist for his hearing aids, the cardiologist, the orthopedist, the primary care physician, etc. I take notes and (I'm a nerd) I keep a spreadsheet of all the different medical issues because I can't remember all of it myself. DH doesn't write anything down and doesn't remember important information so it is my job to understand everything now. He can still go to the dentist and optometrist himself though. My days are often filled with just his doctor appointments.

Appreciate everyone's contributions in this forum. It is so comforting to know we are not alone as we walk these very very difficult paths.

I really appreciate your thoughtful response. How did you find someone to help and get your husband to accept that? I want to provide the support my husband needs to continue enjoying activities and friendships but it is so exhausting and has kept me from enjoying the things I love to do.

@lkbous I have the very same issues as you described above. In fact, his family tells me that he seems fine. He has some days better than others, but when he has a bad day I experience what I call “teenage girl mouth.” He challenges everything I say, gets angry and tells me I make him feel stupid. I too avoid as much as possible on these days.

He did better on the written test this last time than before, but for MCI I am not sure that paper test is always an accurate reflection of what we caregivers experience at home. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

@kmliste I know how you are feeling. My husband has MCI or early Alzheimer’s - they’re not sure which. Last year he started accusing me of things I didn’t do. It really upset me and was getting worse and worse, so I finally went to our family doctor who prescribed an anti-depressant (Lexapro) for him. It made a huge difference. The accusations basically stopped, so now I am better able to handle everything else (memory, functioning, etc.) that is also happening.

Good luck - I hope you also find something that helps your LO and yourself.