Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

@mtdt757 When I leave to just go to the store my husband gets so upset so as soon as I back out of the driveway I call him. That really helps.

@lizzabeth Remember it's talking to talk and doing things to do things because the brain can't quite remember how it used to be. I'm sure you've walked into a room and thought, " Now what did I come in here for?" That's because you were thinking about something else after you decided to get the item from the room. In other words, very short term memory was impaired. You also probably dreamed you were at home and you were convinced of that, but upon awakening , you realized nothing looked right at all. In dementia short term and intermediate term memory is impaired and distortions in reality exist.

@dagmar25, welcome. How are you managing today along the challenging road of acceptance?

Things are getting worse. My husband now sometimes asks for help with dressing and undressing. I know he can do these things independently but is it possible he doesn’t know that? He also asks for help making phone calls to doctors and doesn’t ask for help when he is calling a friend. I’m trying to figure out where to encourage him and what to accept.

We went on our weekend trip and saw two concerts!!!
It all went great and I learned from my husband, and I happened to learn new info about dementia right before the trip: DH explained how very scared he gets in the car, with all the movement of the car he's riding in, as well as the cars around and the geography of the road/highway (bridges, heights, hills and invisible dropoffs), but also, I learned more about the spatial perception in his mind from Tami Anastasia's webinar a couple of days beforehand. So, his explanation of why he leaves so much space between him and the car in front of him, why he parks so far back from the stop guard in a parking lot, etc. along with Tami's explanation of losing perception and spatial recognition plays into it. That is where the clock comes in during cognitive testing and why a patient might draw a really wonky clock, they see things weird. Everything else went great, on the way home he took a xanax and fell asleep a few times, but then fell asleep too early when we got home. Our NP said Xanax isn't a good choice for MCI and they prescribed a new overall medication, so we'll see how it goes in the next few weeks, day to day.
But he loved the concerts. We both had a great time and built new memories.

@kmliste It is exhausting all of the time, and so very lonely. I don't think I can ever learn to smile and walk away. H is pretty stable, too. People outside of our family that know his diagnosis (whatever that is) say he doesn't seem like he's any different, boy do I wish that were true. He can be mean, he thinks he's always right and will look up things as soon as I say them to see if I'm right and delights if he has the slightest differentiation. When he gets confused in a conversation we're having or we're talking in circles (again), well you said, well you said, well I thought, blah blah blah, he will take a high and mighty stance and will say something like "ok, let's go back and go over this again!" and proceeds to explain what I said or did wrong and his version of how it played out, which is a confabulation. sometimes even telling me that I "need to learn". So very out of character for the man I married that was so understanding, kind, sweet, etc., etc.
Since he is still super independent, I find my self avoiding him and keeping very busy all day in every room except the one he's in, glued to the tv and his phone. I cry a lot because I hate this life and facing the future.
I'm sorry, I just realized I totally vented on you. I really wasn't replying to you to be all about me, but I'm leaving it so you know there are others grappling and so anyone else coming by will know they are not alone.
Bless you and keep on keeping on.

@lkbous I hear you. My situation isn't as dire as yours, but I share the angst and resentment you feel. And knowing it will only get worse. I'm more than happy to listen to you anytime. We all need a way to feel understood and not judged. You're not alone. We're not alone. These feelings are real and their valid. Hugs 🤗🤗🤗

@lkbous I have the very same issues as you described above. In fact, his family tells me that he seems fine. He has some days better than others, but when he has a bad day I experience what I call “teenage girl mouth.” He challenges everything I say, gets angry and tells me I make him feel stupid. I too avoid as much as possible on these days.

He did better on the written test this last time than before, but for MCI I am not sure that paper test is always an accurate reflection of what we caregivers experience at home. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

@klsquires I started noticing my husband's decline about 5 years before the doctor did. When the doctor told me he was referring DH to a neurologist, I cried because finally I knew that it wasn't all in my own mind. The spouse sees things no one is else does.

Hi @grandmajoan

It is great that he is asking for help. It tells you that those tasks are troubling him. When it all began for us, my husband started having trouble with calendar items. I would tell him something was planned and he would not remember; he also did not remember to put them on his calendar. He asked me to put it on our shared calendar and I thought he was being lazy. Only after more things started to lapse did I realize that it was not laziness, but difficulty.

I say it is great that he expresses this because now you can fill in those areas of anxiety for him. I firmly believe that the more you can smoothly complement him as things become difficult, the better for both of you. Complementing them (helping them keep doing what they can while supporting their areas of capability loss) has two big benefits:

• One objective is practical: It is to enable him to achieve outcomes that he wants, but can no longer accomplish on his own.

• Even more importantly, there is an emotional, psychic objective: It is to minimize, and even eliminate, the stress of losing capabilities.

If we leave them to struggle with the losses (and their fear of new losses) the costs can be very high:

- They can become Depressed, Frustrated, Angry. The difficulty of it all, the embarrassment and perceived hopelessness, can drive depression. It can also lead to overall mood and demeanor changes. [It is true that the disease can create brain changes that can make people angry and violent. But in my experience some of these behaviors can arise from frustrations that are avoidable with focused help. My husband is very sweet but for many years we have focused on filling his mind with positive things because left to ruminate on his own confusion, his mood can darken.

- Their world may get very small, very fast. Early on, I noticed that he just just stopped doing the things that were hard. Dropping hobbies and other activities that they used to enjoy is an early symptom of dementia. It can turn into a pattern of apathy. As our loved ones successively cut out activities and friends, our lives become smaller as well.

- They may create significant medical, financial, and social problems. Our loved ones may continue to do things, but not do them well. Discussions with doctors may be misleading or forgotten. "complex" social interactions can lead to alienation from friends or family. Financial transactions can be entered into erroneously, or scams accepted. My husband and I talked to our financial advisor about a potential change and decided to think it over. I got a message that that change had been implemented and called our advisor, very upset, because I believed that he had jumped the gun. It turns out my husband had approved the change online.

I would just add that this is a good time to start planning for outside help. You will be helping him live his daily life and, over time, managing your joint life. You will need help and it is good to establish early that others can help him in a caring and enjoyable relationship. It was tough at first. I didn't even know what to direct the person to do. Happily my first caregiver was experienced and helped to show me the way.

In closing, I have really benefited from the fact that my husband has been transparent with me about what is troubling him. We can't solve the issues that we do not know. And the emotional ones are the most important.

Wishing you growing confidence and comfort in this new role.