Dealing with a Spouse with a “Mild Cognitive Impairment”

I hear you! So called friends who diminish our daily mind bending experiences. And then they tease or just cut off the friendship with our loved ones “weirdness “ as they put it is heartbreaking.
I try very hard to not discuss our situation with anyone that is not walking their own battles. Its just safer emotionally. Yes it does make me very very lonely.
Even my daughter does not want to hear my frustrations because she would like me to get a divorce and says I'm choosing this path.
Best to you all, i pray for each person i read about. Hugs

I find the bit about communicating with our kids (even the
who live nearby) difficult. During catch up calls I want to hear what’s new on their end and don’t want to overwhelm them with tough new or sound like a broken record.
There is such a disconnect between how their dad is actually doing and how they think he’s doing.

Thank you for your thoughts. We had a good call with our daughter tonight and I needed to prompt my husband with things to say. At least he felt like he was taking a part in the conversation. Our children really don’t understand the day to day challenges we face. I look at each day as another challenge and try not to let it get to me. Just writing about it, seems to help. Again, thank you for your response. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

PLEASE, Please, please communicate honestly with your children! The first we learned of my father-in-law's rapid decline between Easter and 4th of July when we visited we were shocked by the personality changes and the strain in the household. His Mom, uncle, cousins, neighbors...didn't want to stress us out or worry us, in spite of weekly calls amongst many of us.

Three weeks later, my mother-in-law showed up unannounced at our door, over 200 miles away, for an extended visit, leaving Dad's brother to care for him, because she was overwhelmed - mostly be personality changes. Needless to say we jumped into action, but we would have preferred to help make choices before a crisis.

30 years later, the same thing happened to my daughter and her husband. Even though my daughter had worked in memory care for 10 years, and she had been trying to push the family into action for 2 years. Mom wandered away from home, sans cell phone and jacket, in 0F temperatures - it took the family and local PD 5 hours to find her (safe.) The care choices at that point were limited, and led to a far-too-early fatal outcome for my son's Mom (and my friend.)

Reading the posts re: communicating with family about spouse's/family member's actual condition. I have been hesitant to do that although I really want to - more for my sake than his. When one nephew calls randomly, my husband just says he's "status quo". When I am asked, I say he's "ok" or "so-so". He doesn't want people to really know what is going on with him. Reality is he is declining health wise and mentally. Not super bad but it sure makes my life with him very difficult. I think family should know. My problem with doing that - when he does talk to people - like family and doctors - he puts on this image of being "fine". Even told one of the doctors a few weeks ago he knows what's going on around him (not really) and he understands his days are not forever. Last time he went to church with me, he looked horrible! He started not doing so well and I wanted to leave but NO! We had to stay. Anyone that looked at him knew he was not well. But he puts on that smile and tries to talk like everything is fine. So I feel if I tell people what is really going on at home where they don't see him, they'll think I'm nuts or just maybe bad-mouthing him. I feel like I'm in a no win situation.

You really need to be open with folks, you need the support. My husband also said he didn't want me announcing his condition, however I told him I needed the support. I limit who I tell what, depending on circumstances and need to know basis.

When our whole family gets together, my husband usually doesn't join into the conversation. He can't comprehend what is being said. It is so sad to see him sit there with no expression on his face. Not even confusion. More like he has just shut down. You have given me some ideas on how to get him more involved. I just don't know if cognitively he is able. I'll try.

My heart goes out to you. I’ve found trying to get my husband to engage in the conversation is a combination of hearing and also understanding. By coaxing him with ideas he’s been able to participate more. He needs a lot of help with ideas and sometimes says things totally out of context. Our children are very understanding on our phone calls and I wish I could help you more.

I don’t think as parents we ever stop wanting to protect our children, regardless of their age, of the harsh realities of the not so pretty parts of our daily lives when we live with dementia. Even though they are adamant about wanting to be there for us, and help anyway they can, we still find it hard to share the realities of our days. Our daughter left yesterday to enjoy a nice vacation trip… there is no way I would tell when I talked with her that her dad left home yesterday, drove into town, saw a couple of policeman parked on the side of the road, and stopped to ask for help because people have a hit out on him. He experiences delusions. This was a first for him, but it may have also been a blessing in disguise because I have been trying to stop his driving completely and now thanks to his actions yesterday I may be able to. He even ask me this morning about selling his truck. I have not shared this with any of our three children. They live busy lives and have teenagers to keep up with, there is nothing they can do. As long as I can handle my husband’s day to day on my own I will.

I can tell you that i have cried so many "silent tears" where no one is aware. It is very lonely and hard place to imagine being in. I have been through all the stages of grieving even though my sweet husband is still alive. The MCD is not severe at this point but i see it increasing daily. It is scary, tramautizing, and i feel that nobody understands the impact it has on me or him. Although my husband seems ok with the circumstance to a certain degree. His biggest complaint would be not being able to walk due to parkinsons. He doesnt recognize that he has cognitive decline. I go to counseling a few times a month to vent and woe is me. It helps get things off my mind. I feel like the world is a different place now. My perception of life is different than it was before. I have little support from family and i have to pay counselors for support. I find myself being more cynical than i used to be.