Help! My husband refuses to shower. It’s been 2 weeks now.

It's silly but somehow finding this out today made me feel better for a bit. He drank himself into this condition, so that has been difficult for me to accept. I thought he was just being a jerk because he was such a jerk while he was drinking. He used to be so different, but that man is gone. I looked up a support group here in Santa Fe that I am going to investigate. I'm still planning a trip to FL to see my sister, but not sure what to do about him being home alone while I'm gone. Probably a good question for the group. Pamela, where are you? An English professor, wow. I always loved English and have thought about writing a bit. Maybe when I get old! Best wishes and feel free to give me a shout.

If it works . It works. My husband has a one track mind. Eating at home or going out. I always say if we go out then we need to get cleaned up. So far it works. He wants to eat every 2-3 hours.I have snacks such as fruit, nuts or protein drink which I have made it to taste better. It is amazing what a blender does. I really think he wants my attention and will ask questions about how I feel, Did I sleep well, etc. Kudos to him when he asks me something about me and try his hardest to have a normal conversation. I will take it ! He actually was on the phone with his friend. Afterwards he was calling me "honey", how are you doing, or do you need anything. I asked him if his friend gave him a pep talk about me...It was sweet just the same. He was smiling and being kind..that was all I cared about.

I tried to send you a private message but I kept getting a message that the username was wrong. I'll try again.

My mother is in a MC facility and they rub lorazepam gel on mother’s arms lol it’s a lotion to calm her anxiety about 30 minutes before her shower time after supper before PJ time. It works sometimes.

Hi Pamela,
The “planning escapes” seems to be a common denominator among women caring for husbands. I went to a group meeting and the question of being bitter came up. My response was, yes I’m bitter but I feel like a spoiled brat because we can’t travel anymore. The other 4 women ALL said the same. We love our husbands, and we know and accept that this is our life, but the dream of being able to just get away to do something as simple as going snorkeling or hiking or visiting grandchildren makes me both sad and frustrated. Re the wine: I find that I have more wine when he is with me in the kitchen preparing dinner and the rest of the evening together bc that’s when he gets the most repetitive and forgetful. I’m really struggling with the wine every night. If I could just remember alcohol actually makes me MORE anxious and get on the wagon, I’m sure that would help. Heavy sigh.

Right now my husband will get in the shower with me especially if we are going out. But if I didn’t ask him to he probably would not shower. When I ask him to take a shower on his own he acts like it’s a race to get in and out. Barely using enough soap in the vital parts and never using shampoo. I try to make showering a pleasant experience for him by using a mitt and moisturizing soap after get those stinkier areas with Dial. This seems to work but it requires love, patience and calmness from me which can be exhausting by the end of the day. Putting out his clothes, taking on all the admin, syncing calendars so he knows what’s coming ( or at least sees it on his calendar and asks repeatedly what the appointment or plans are about and who are these ppl who are coming with us) trying to keep his weight gain from getting worse bc his belts don’t fit him anymore, it takes so much time that I can’t get to other things. I’m extremely lucky to have a housekeeper, and an assistant a couple days a week. But life has really changed. My advice is if friends or family want to help out, let them, as long as he goes along with it. Take care all of you!

I'm so with you on every count. I was drinking rather more than I should but I discovered alcohol-free wine and it's good! You can drink as much as you want without guilt or a hangover. I've become a real convert. I do allow myself a real glass of wine occasionally but my daily tipple is the alcohol-free. The brand I like is Fre, with an accent over the e. I hope you can figure out a way to take a trip or something. We've got to take care of ourselves or we'll be useless. I've asked my husband to sleep upstairs so I can get a good night's sleep. He's not happy but I have to get my sleep. Repetitiveness and forgetfulness--yup!

Don't feel badly. I know all of us have felt like you are feeling. Tired of all the constant barage of the care we have to do! I think wow I would love to go on a trip. Oh yeah, I forgot we have to bring the whole house with us. Sometimes, I feel like the Circle of Life is going back to childhood. When we do go on a trip it usually ends well..But not always Hugs

My husband has had some dementia for over 10 years and an issue with showering also. Before he retired he showed every morning before work. He has very oily skin for an 80 year old and needs to shower more often but since we have separate bedrooms I don't have to smell him all the time (He has a Ham radio hobby in his room with numerous wires and radios). I researched this issue and found that It's OK for elderly people to bathe or shower only once a week, especially if they have fragile skin. My man washes his hair in the sink between showers though so that helps a lot.

My husband hasn't showered in over a year and at almost 94 he's still here.. Typically I use a warm washcloth with no rinse cleanser on him while he's still in bed and talk non-stop. Or he'll stand at the sink (he can only walk with a rollator) and and I wash him there talking non-stop so he doesn't focus on the washing up. This was suggested to me by an aide who came in a couple of times a week after a hospitalization.