Help! My husband refuses to shower. It’s been 2 weeks now.

OMG I can't believe others are going through this. When I told my sister that he won't shower, she was shocked. I thought he was the only one. My husband has changed so much I feel like I only know him part of the time, other times he's almost a stranger. And he doesn't have severe memory loss, I would say a medium-well memory loss. He's finally given up accusing me of having a boyfriend if I go shopping or meet a girl friend for lunch, so that's good. But I've told him I won't go out with him in public looking like he does. So every 10 days or so he'll get in the shower. I've decided to live my life and get the help and support I need. He sleeps and watches TV. That's it. We are early 70's. I get groceries delivered, found a gal to come in and do the vacuuming and floors every other week and a great handyman who is a gem and he helps me keep the house maintained. He'll wake up from a nap and call me on the phone to see where I am when I'm just in the living room. I'm going to visit my sister on the coast in late Summer and figure he'll never travel again so I'll go on my own. I'll have to have someone come check on him while I'm gone, but I'm going. Frankly I can hardly wait. Surely not what I expected in my marriage. His memory issues were caused by alcoholism so that makes it a bitter pill to swallow for me. But I'm still here and sometimes he's still here. I listen to music and play with the dog and clean house and watch a movie and talk to my sisters and make him food and take care of him. Wanna come visit and have a glass of wine? 🙂 Take care and much good energy being sent your way.

Yeah, a glass of wine is definitely in order. I'm right there with you. Hubs still bathes--about once every week or so--but he's anxious when I'm not at home. It's hard because he's basically a decent person and he tries, but he's also very trying. I'm planning escapes too. Don't know how or when but it's certainly something I'm considering, especially when things get worse than they are today. Hang in there. There are lots of us who are still here and coping.

It seems to be a pattern. I try my best. I am washing him as he won't let go of the bars. He is petrified of falling and aversion to water. From what I understand this happens alot. They cannot smell with Parkinsons. I truly wish I could convince him to use his shower chair. Our shower is 12 ft. high. He says I am yelling. No it echoes. Same conversation ..just a different day.

@linaxyl Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect! You have certainly found a great place for getting help. Check out the rest of the discussions—you may find lots of helpful tips!

It's silly but somehow finding this out today made me feel better for a bit. He drank himself into this condition, so that has been difficult for me to accept. I thought he was just being a jerk because he was such a jerk while he was drinking. He used to be so different, but that man is gone. I looked up a support group here in Santa Fe that I am going to investigate. I'm still planning a trip to FL to see my sister, but not sure what to do about him being home alone while I'm gone. Probably a good question for the group. Pamela, where are you? An English professor, wow. I always loved English and have thought about writing a bit. Maybe when I get old! Best wishes and feel free to give me a shout.

If it works . It works. My husband has a one track mind. Eating at home or going out. I always say if we go out then we need to get cleaned up. So far it works. He wants to eat every 2-3 hours.I have snacks such as fruit, nuts or protein drink which I have made it to taste better. It is amazing what a blender does. I really think he wants my attention and will ask questions about how I feel, Did I sleep well, etc. Kudos to him when he asks me something about me and try his hardest to have a normal conversation. I will take it ! He actually was on the phone with his friend. Afterwards he was calling me "honey", how are you doing, or do you need anything. I asked him if his friend gave him a pep talk about me...It was sweet just the same. He was smiling and being kind..that was all I cared about.

I tried to send you a private message but I kept getting a message that the username was wrong. I'll try again.

My mother is in a MC facility and they rub lorazepam gel on mother’s arms lol it’s a lotion to calm her anxiety about 30 minutes before her shower time after supper before PJ time. It works sometimes.

Hi Pamela,
The “planning escapes” seems to be a common denominator among women caring for husbands. I went to a group meeting and the question of being bitter came up. My response was, yes I’m bitter but I feel like a spoiled brat because we can’t travel anymore. The other 4 women ALL said the same. We love our husbands, and we know and accept that this is our life, but the dream of being able to just get away to do something as simple as going snorkeling or hiking or visiting grandchildren makes me both sad and frustrated. Re the wine: I find that I have more wine when he is with me in the kitchen preparing dinner and the rest of the evening together bc that’s when he gets the most repetitive and forgetful. I’m really struggling with the wine every night. If I could just remember alcohol actually makes me MORE anxious and get on the wagon, I’m sure that would help. Heavy sigh.

Right now my husband will get in the shower with me especially if we are going out. But if I didn’t ask him to he probably would not shower. When I ask him to take a shower on his own he acts like it’s a race to get in and out. Barely using enough soap in the vital parts and never using shampoo. I try to make showering a pleasant experience for him by using a mitt and moisturizing soap after get those stinkier areas with Dial. This seems to work but it requires love, patience and calmness from me which can be exhausting by the end of the day. Putting out his clothes, taking on all the admin, syncing calendars so he knows what’s coming ( or at least sees it on his calendar and asks repeatedly what the appointment or plans are about and who are these ppl who are coming with us) trying to keep his weight gain from getting worse bc his belts don’t fit him anymore, it takes so much time that I can’t get to other things. I’m extremely lucky to have a housekeeper, and an assistant a couple days a week. But life has really changed. My advice is if friends or family want to help out, let them, as long as he goes along with it. Take care all of you!