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What about Me?

Posted by kartwk @kartwk, Oct 3 11:46am

I am so tired, tired of dealing with all the groaning, moaning all day, every day even through meals which is making me not want to prepare meals or eat with H.
I understand he is scared as he has some understanding of what is happening to him mentally, but geez, it is not my fault. He gets mean and yells at me, publicly, like I am a child!

Friends are kind, but as others have said, we - him - are just not fun any more. I know some are afraid this will eventually happen to them. People we really don't know have tried to take advantage of him.
Heck, his middle daughter tried to get him to change his will to her favor when he was in the hospital last year. This daughter he really hasn't seen in almost a year, no birthday card or Father's Day card to him.

I understand the Calvery is not coming, but darn, it sure is difficult as more and more things go on. I am feeling very lonely.

Keeping up the house is difficult. We are just $300 a month from being eligible for various assistant programs.

The above-mentioned daughter has now started lying about me to her sister and brother. I have always had a good relationship with his eldest daughter since her and her father reconciled (over her changing religion before I met her, which no one in the family understood). The last few times I have talked to her she has been frigid at best. Seems the middle daughter is putting things out there that I am stealing their inheritance among other things.
This just floors me. I have had enough and don't need this with his family on top of everything going on with him daily. The door is starting to look pretty good right now and I can guarantee you that none of his adult children will help him out. None of them has done anything for us in the, oh, last 31 years, whether we needed help or not. His son has hit us up for $$ over the years, and the middle daughter's sons always have their hands out.

The truth be told, when I married their father some 31 years ago, he had a decent job but really had nothing. I had a house that was over 50% paid for, a paid off car, furniture. At that time he had just finished paying child support for his youngest son, who came to live with him after the child support stopped.

These people are starting to scare me. Right now I know what his will says, but I am afraid that if he gets enough pressure, he will cave to them.

This is part of me dealing with being his caretaker. It scares the begesus out of me. I did talk to a lawyer but I can only do things with items that are mine. It is not like we have a lot, just the house, the 8 yr. old car, and my furniture with a few pieces added.

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deniae | @deniae | Oct 11 5:33pm
In reply to @becsbuddy "@deniae You don’t own anyone anything! Yes, you are doing a massive job and they don’t..." + (show)
Profile picture for Becky, Volunteer Mentor @becsbuddy

@deniae You don’t own anyone anything! Yes, you are doing a massive job and they don’t have to. . . . Yet. There is a possible solution, but it depends on you. Answer questions such as “how are you today?” With a simple “I’m OK” and then change the subject quickly. Ask if they could do simple favor or chore for you, like stopping at the library or grocery for a single item. Then, when they bring the item to your house, thank them, thank them, thank them! Leave all your problems at the back door! This could change their attitude and yours. My sister always called this ‘talking to the cats!’
Do you think it’s worth a try? Let me know!

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@becsbuddy

just to add, from what you wrote in your profile you are surrounded by lots of family and I don't have anyone but my dog

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kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 11 8:41pm
In reply to @becsbuddy "@methel Your situation of feeling, and being, so alone, prompted me to get a ‘fall devise.’..." + (show)
Profile picture for Becky, Volunteer Mentor @becsbuddy

@methel Your situation of feeling, and being, so alone, prompted me to get a ‘fall devise.’ Several companies sell them and monitor them. Mine is from Guardian Medical and they have been helpful. I just googled “fall monitor” or something like that.
Do you think you could look it up just for information?

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@becsbuddy
You know bec, that's a good idea. H is having more and more problems walking and I have balance issues so we at least one of us needs one.
The last time I fell he couldn't help me. Luckily I am still somewhat agile enough to crawl and skoot to the bed where I was able to position my good leg to help me pull myself to the top of the bed.
I think he should wear it as if I fall, he can't do anything for me. If he falls, I can still call for help, if needed or get the cinch belt out to help pull him up. Just thinking out loud here.

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kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 11 8:45pm
In reply to @janna2 "@tunared and @kartwk This this this. It took multiple visits to get physician to recognize and..." + (show)
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@tunared and @kartwk
This this this. It took multiple visits to get physician to recognize and diagnose the Alzheimer’s my dad had and the Glioblastoma my sister had. But you need that paperwork. Neighbor recently passed without official diagnosis and her f’ing LAWYER covertly had her sign a changed will shortly before she passed that left 60% of her estate to the lawyer and her 2 kids. We all knew the neighbors mind was visiting another planet at least a year ago.

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@janna2
Wow Janna - that is scary that someone that is supposed to be in her court was taking advantage of her.
I found that to be true in people taking stuff from my H too.
The dark side of human nature.

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kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 11 8:47pm
In reply to @methel "@kartwk The most alone that I ever felt during my husband’s Alzheimer journey and eventual death..." + (show)
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@kartwk

The most alone that I ever felt during my husband’s Alzheimer journey and eventual death was the day when I tried to teach him how to call 911 if I had a problem. And he couldn’t figure it out. I then realized I was totally on my own. And had better have some backup plans

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@methel
You know, that is something I never thought about. Good points to think about and plan for. Thank you.

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celia16 | @celia16 | Oct 12 7:34am
In reply to @kartwk "@becsbuddy You know bec, that's a good idea. H is having more and more problems walking..." + (show)
Profile picture for kartwk @kartwk

@becsbuddy
You know bec, that's a good idea. H is having more and more problems walking and I have balance issues so we at least one of us needs one.
The last time I fell he couldn't help me. Luckily I am still somewhat agile enough to crawl and skoot to the bed where I was able to position my good leg to help me pull myself to the top of the bed.
I think he should wear it as if I fall, he can't do anything for me. If he falls, I can still call for help, if needed or get the cinch belt out to help pull him up. Just thinking out loud here.

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@kartwk , with your condition and his…..man, have you discussed options with his doctor? And yours. It sounds like you need assistance. I hope there are options available to you both.

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kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 12 12:17pm
In reply to @celia16 "@kartwk , with your condition and his…..man, have you discussed options with his doctor? And yours...." + (show)
Profile picture for celia16 @celia16

@kartwk , with your condition and his…..man, have you discussed options with his doctor? And yours. It sounds like you need assistance. I hope there are options available to you both.

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@celia16
I have my annual physical coming up and I intend to push my Doc into telling us what kind of options we may have and to please help me deal with H. Sadly, as we age things get looked over by even our Docs - you know, a complaint they see as just normal aging when it is not.

FWIW, H was talking this morning about him getting one of those powered scooters for the house. Man, can you just imagine the damage he will do to the furniture and walls with one of those?
He hurts so when he drops food or something on the floor he just leaves it. Yes, I have those grippers all over the place, but it is easier just to leave it for me to clean up. He's excuse is that he can't bend over to which I call BS as he can always grab a gripper.

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deniae | @deniae | Oct 13 7:46pm
In reply to @kartwk "@deniae You know deniae, feeling like that is part of grief we are already going through..." + (show)
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@deniae

You know deniae, feeling like that is part of grief we are already going through as our partners go down this path. We are angry at what is happening to them and to us. In some ways we don't understand why. We pray, we try to bargain, try to understand why, etc. and we feel alone in this journey.
I think that when things finally do come to the final end, we will have gone through most of the stages of grief and be more accepting. But then, what do I know.

One more thing, I also think that when this thing, illness, dementia, starts to happen to the husband's of friends of mine they will be calling me to talk and give them comfort etc. I don't know if I will be able to do that. Does that sound mean or strange? These are people that we all know who start to distance themselves from us when our journey started and we needed help, a listening ear, a hand with shopping, etc.

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@kartwk

I am not allowed to talk about cancer or he gets mad and said no talking about it because that is how you die but I USED MYSELF AS AN EXAMPLE . Being I am the person on this board struggling and have therapists for my suicidal thoughts.. If I were to die he would never commit suicide but he can handle being alone and I am more needy and it scares me that I feel so differently but then there is God to contend with and would he forgive

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janna2 | @janna2 | Oct 14 12:45pm
In reply to @kartwk "@deniae You know deniae, feeling like that is part of grief we are already going through..." + (show)
Profile picture for kartwk @kartwk

@deniae

You know deniae, feeling like that is part of grief we are already going through as our partners go down this path. We are angry at what is happening to them and to us. In some ways we don't understand why. We pray, we try to bargain, try to understand why, etc. and we feel alone in this journey.
I think that when things finally do come to the final end, we will have gone through most of the stages of grief and be more accepting. But then, what do I know.

One more thing, I also think that when this thing, illness, dementia, starts to happen to the husband's of friends of mine they will be calling me to talk and give them comfort etc. I don't know if I will be able to do that. Does that sound mean or strange? These are people that we all know who start to distance themselves from us when our journey started and we needed help, a listening ear, a hand with shopping, etc.

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@kartwk I really want to recite a bunch of affirmations about how awesome you are.
About your comment - you are definitely NOT mean or strange. You are exhausted. Mentally and physically. But we soldier on because if we don’t do it who will?
Isn’t it interesting how people crawl out of the woodwork? It is definitely OK to decline or cut them short if you want. I see you here reaching out to help others. My last (of 4) passed in 2023. Everyone uses me as some sort of medical encyclopedia- and yes I frequently refer them to their Drs and internet to look things up themselves.
Where were they when shit was hitting the fan? After the last I shut myself off from everyone for a while. For me that was a good thing. I needed to rest, to not be on hyper alert, to be able to hear my own thoughts. So here I am 2 years later, facing my own door. I am finally back to myself again, and able to reach out and offer comfort to everyone I can. Partly because I have been on the other side. I have turned into the hugging bear, ready to wrap arms around anyone. Also the bear part because I am willing to stand up to any doctor or friends family member who is not doing right by them. Yeah, I still have some unresolved rage, but I’m working on it🤣😂
You will never regret the time you have spent caregiving for your loved ones.
Know that YOU are a blessing.
🫂

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janna2 | @janna2 | Oct 14 12:55pm
In reply to @deniae "@becsbuddy just to add, from what you wrote in your profile you are surrounded by lots..." + (show)
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@becsbuddy

just to add, from what you wrote in your profile you are surrounded by lots of family and I don't have anyone but my dog

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@deniae

I know it is not the same, but you have us. Please reach out whenever the mood strikes you. I can identify with being the last one left. Even my dog passed last year, so reach out and give yours a rub for me.
🫂s

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | Oct 15 4:13pm
In reply to @deniae "@suppiskey2surv I always used to pray but I am so burnt out and now my cousin..." + (show)
Profile picture for deniae @deniae

@suppiskey2surv

I always used to pray but I am so burnt out and now my cousin is pissed at me for being upset with God when it isnt the creators fault that she went and blocked me

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@deniae I am so sorry you were blocked. I think when we need a ear to listen or just what to unload. Family and friends are not what we expect.. especially when you are trying . This forum is wonderful
about giving advice or just a kind word. I always think that we should try our best..but when we are overwhelmed with another problem whether it be a new diagnosis or a new set of issues..just a hug or acknowledgement does wonders. Stay strong and ask questions. 🫂💕

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