What about Me?

Posted by kartwk @kartwk, Oct 3 11:46am

I am so tired, tired of dealing with all the groaning, moaning all day, every day even through meals which is making me not want to prepare meals or eat with H.
I understand he is scared as he has some understanding of what is happening to him mentally, but geez, it is not my fault. He gets mean and yells at me, publicly, like I am a child!

Friends are kind, but as others have said, we - him - are just not fun any more. I know some are afraid this will eventually happen to them. People we really don't know have tried to take advantage of him.
Heck, his middle daughter tried to get him to change his will to her favor when he was in the hospital last year. This daughter he really hasn't seen in almost a year, no birthday card or Father's Day card to him.

I understand the Calvery is not coming, but darn, it sure is difficult as more and more things go on. I am feeling very lonely.

Keeping up the house is difficult. We are just $300 a month from being eligible for various assistant programs.

The above-mentioned daughter has now started lying about me to her sister and brother. I have always had a good relationship with his eldest daughter since her and her father reconciled (over her changing religion before I met her, which no one in the family understood). The last few times I have talked to her she has been frigid at best. Seems the middle daughter is putting things out there that I am stealing their inheritance among other things.
This just floors me. I have had enough and don't need this with his family on top of everything going on with him daily. The door is starting to look pretty good right now and I can guarantee you that none of his adult children will help him out. None of them has done anything for us in the, oh, last 31 years, whether we needed help or not. His son has hit us up for $$ over the years, and the middle daughter's sons always have their hands out.

The truth be told, when I married their father some 31 years ago, he had a decent job but really had nothing. I had a house that was over 50% paid for, a paid off car, furniture. At that time he had just finished paying child support for his youngest son, who came to live with him after the child support stopped.

These people are starting to scare me. Right now I know what his will says, but I am afraid that if he gets enough pressure, he will cave to them.

This is part of me dealing with being his caretaker. It scares the begesus out of me. I did talk to a lawyer but I can only do things with items that are mine. It is not like we have a lot, just the house, the 8 yr. old car, and my furniture with a few pieces added.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers Support Group.

DanL | @tunared | Oct 7 8:46am

a few ideas for you. have his Neurologist or Palliative care doctors determine if he can make his own health care decisions. if not ask for a letter stating that he cannot make the decisions. make sure all his other doctors have a copy of the letter. take a copy of the letter to your lawyer and ask for a Power of Attorney for both healthcare and financial decisions. then have a DNR completed and signed by his doctor. keep a copy in your wallet and post the original on your refrigerator. there are also a few other documents your lawyer can help you with too. good luck and remember HE is SCARED shitless and the Calvary is Not Coming. take care of your self!

methel | @methel | Oct 7 10:10am

In reply to @kartwk "@deniae I am right with you about H always depending on me and I on him...." + (show)

@kartwk

The most alone that I ever felt during my husband’s Alzheimer journey and eventual death was the day when I tried to teach him how to call 911 if I had a problem. And he couldn’t figure it out. I then realized I was totally on my own. And had better have some backup plans

janna2 | @janna2 | Oct 7 11:10am

In reply to @tunared "a few ideas for you. have his Neurologist or Palliative care doctors determine if he can..." + (show)

@tunared and @kartwk
This this this. It took multiple visits to get physician to recognize and diagnose the Alzheimer’s my dad had and the Glioblastoma my sister had. But you need that paperwork. Neighbor recently passed without official diagnosis and her f’ing LAWYER covertly had her sign a changed will shortly before she passed that left 60% of her estate to the lawyer and her 2 kids. We all knew the neighbors mind was visiting another planet at least a year ago.

celia16 | @celia16 | Oct 7 6:56pm

I suggest seeing the attorney first. If the declarant is incompetent, he can’t sign a POA. But, there are other options to protect financial assets. It’s difficult if a person is resistant to care, but there are options.

deniae | @deniae | Oct 9 9:39pm

In reply to @kartwk "@deniae You know deniae, feeling like that is part of grief we are already going through..." + (show)

@kartwk

Everyone is angry with me because I state things that are true. Then I am told i am negative, Yet none of them are dealing with a spouse with cancer hey can go and have FUN NORMAL LIFE

elliottw | @elliottw | Oct 9 11:32pm

Yesterday was a long trip south (snowbirds) and we were listing to 70's song in the car, and Todd Rundgren"s classic rendition of "Hello It's Me" was played. Any other songs that seem to be about caregiving and Alzhiemer's?

"It's me, I've thought about us for a long, long time
Maybe I think too much but some thing's wrong
There's something here that doesn't last too long
Maybe I shouldn't think of you as mine

Seeing you or seeing anything as much as I do you
I take for granted that you're always there
I take for granted that you just don't care
Sometimes, I can't help seeing all the way through

It's important to me that you know you are free
'Cause I never want to make you change for me

Think of me, you know that I'd be with you if I could
I'll come around to see you once in a while
Or if I ever need a reason to smile
And spend the night if you think I should

It's important to me that you know you are free
'Cause I never want to make you change for me

Think of me, you know that I'd be with you if I could
I'll come around to see you once in a while, yes I will
Or if I ever need a reason to smile
And spend the night if you think I should

Think of me"

Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Oct 10 9:31pm

In reply to @deniae "@kartwk Everyone is angry with me because I state things that are true. Then I am..." + (show)

@deniae You don’t own anyone anything! Yes, you are doing a massive job and they don’t have to. . . . Yet. There is a possible solution, but it depends on you. Answer questions such as “how are you today?” With a simple “I’m OK” and then change the subject quickly. Ask if they could do simple favor or chore for you, like stopping at the library or grocery for a single item. Then, when they bring the item to your house, thank them, thank them, thank them! Leave all your problems at the back door! This could change their attitude and yours. My sister always called this ‘talking to the cats!’
Do you think it’s worth a try? Let me know!

Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Oct 10 9:40pm

In reply to @methel "@kartwk The most alone that I ever felt during my husband’s Alzheimer journey and eventual death..." + (show)

@methel Your situation of feeling, and being, so alone, prompted me to get a ‘fall devise.’ Several companies sell them and monitor them. Mine is from Guardian Medical and they have been helpful. I just googled “fall monitor” or something like that.
Do you think you could look it up just for information?

methel | @methel | Oct 11 3:19am

In reply to @becsbuddy "@methel Your situation of feeling, and being, so alone, prompted me to get a ‘fall devise.’..." + (show)

@becsbuddy

Thank you for your concern, but actually, I now wear an alarm pendant around my neck. It was that incident that prompted me to get the device. This pendant was a large part of the backup plans that I realized I had to have.

deniae | @deniae | Oct 11 5:28pm

In reply to @becsbuddy "@deniae You don’t own anyone anything! Yes, you are doing a massive job and they don’t..." + (show)

@becsbuddy

i DONT HAVE ANYONE TO HELP OUT. AIDES WERE HERE AWHILE BACK AFTER THE HOSPITAL BUT THINGS GOT MESSED UP. and the confusion led to them not coming back,