To move near family or stay put

Two choices: decline to move for the sake of comfort, ability, and continuity, or choose one of the two and be prepared to 'splain yourself to the one refused. How the spurned child feels is not your problem...it's theirs. You're a grownup with faculties and experience in living, and your decision must be unquestioned. Leave the rivalry where it belongs...between them.

I appreciate all these perspectives. I’m trying to figure out what to do myself. My husband died when we were 48. I am now 62. I’ve worked since he died as a teacher. I live alone and have traveled over the last few summers because I realized years ago that being isolated at home is very hard for me emotionally. I have 3 sons, 2 daughters in law and 7 grandchildren but they all live in other states. I visit each set twice a year and talk to them often but I hate living so far away that I can’t see their games, recitals or anything they are doing. It’s been difficult. I asked my oldest son and his wife if they would be ok if I move near them. I am in contact with a 55+ community and plan to live there. Part of my plan is that I want to meet people my age, still travel some, but be close so I can be a part of their lives while I’m still healthy and able to be active. My daughter in law wants me there and has been vocal that she can’t wait. My son also said he wants me there. But he is concerned because he is very busy right now. He works full time and is taking online classes to get a degree. He’s in his 18th year in the Air Force and will be retiring in the next few years and starting a new career., which means a move for all of us. He and his wife do fight a lot and he has said he’s concerned about it being awkward if I’m there. He also expressed concern that I would be asking him to come help me when he doesn’t have time to do the things he needs to do right now for his family. I am glad he’s being honest. I feel like there will be some growing pains because we haven’t lived near each other since he left home. My choices are that I continue to live in Houston, which is very lonely. Most of my friends are still married. They have their kids nearby and see their grandkids often. I go eat with them once in awhile but our lives are different. They are busy with grandkids. Or, I uproot to a new state, knowing I’ll move again in a year or two, try to make new friends and see my family more than I do now.
I’m struggling with the right choice. I really don’t feel connected here. My kids have all said they don’t want to come back to Houston so my waiting here just means I continue to get older and eventually more frail. But I don’t want to move there and my son feel more pressure. If my husband were still alive, things would be very different. I wish there was a sure fire way to know what to do and what the outcome will be.

@gloaming figure out what results in less stress—an important health factor ! Moving can also be stressful….

I appreciate all these perspectives. I’m trying to figure out what to do myself. My husband died when we were 48. I am now 62. I’ve worked since he died as a teacher. I live alone and have traveled over the last few summers because I realized years ago that being isolated at home is very hard for me emotionally. I have 3 sons, 2 daughters in law and 7 grandchildren but they all live in other states. I visit each set twice a year and talk to them often but I hate living so far away that I can’t see their games, recitals or anything they are doing. It’s been difficult. I asked my oldest son and his wife if they would be ok if I move near them. I am in contact with a 55+ community and plan to live there. Part of my plan is that I want to meet people my age, still travel some, but be close so I can be a part of their lives while I’m still healthy and able to be active. My daughter in law wants me there and has been vocal that she can’t wait. My son also said he wants me there. But he is concerned because he is very busy right now. He works full time and is taking online classes to get a degree. He’s in his 18th year in the Air Force and will be retiring in the next few years and starting a new career., which means a move for all of us. He and his wife do fight a lot and he has said he’s concerned about it being awkward if I’m there. He also expressed concern that I would be asking him to come help me when he doesn’t have time to do the things he needs to do right now for his family. I am glad he’s being honest. I feel like there will be some growing pains because we haven’t lived near each other since he left home. My choices are that I continue to live in Houston, which is very lonely. Most of my friends are still married. They have their kids nearby and see their grandkids often. I go eat with them once in awhile but our lives are different. They are busy with grandkids. Or, I uproot to a new state, knowing I’ll move again in a year or two, try to make new friends and see my family more than I do now.
I’m struggling with the right choice. I really don’t feel connected here. My kids have all said they don’t want to come back to Houston so my waiting here just means I continue to get older and eventually more frail. But I don’t want to move there and my son feel more pressure. If my husband were still alive, things would be very different. I wish there was a sure fire way to know what to do and what the outcome will be.

I appreciate all these perspectives. I’m trying to figure out what to do myself. My husband died when we were 48. I am now 62. I’ve worked since he died as a teacher. I live alone and have traveled over the last few summers because I realized years ago that being isolated at home is very hard for me emotionally. I have 3 sons, 2 daughters in law and 7 grandchildren but they all live in other states. I visit each set twice a year and talk to them often but I hate living so far away that I can’t see their games, recitals or anything they are doing. It’s been difficult. I asked my oldest son and his wife if they would be ok if I move near them. I am in contact with a 55+ community and plan to live there. Part of my plan is that I want to meet people my age, still travel some, but be close so I can be a part of their lives while I’m still healthy and able to be active. My daughter in law wants me there and has been vocal that she can’t wait. My son also said he wants me there. But he is concerned because he is very busy right now. He works full time and is taking online classes to get a degree. He’s in his 18th year in the Air Force and will be retiring in the next few years and starting a new career., which means a move for all of us. He and his wife do fight a lot and he has said he’s concerned about it being awkward if I’m there. He also expressed concern that I would be asking him to come help me when he doesn’t have time to do the things he needs to do right now for his family. I am glad he’s being honest. I feel like there will be some growing pains because we haven’t lived near each other since he left home. My choices are that I continue to live in Houston, which is very lonely. Most of my friends are still married. They have their kids nearby and see their grandkids often. I go eat with them once in awhile but our lives are different. They are busy with grandkids. Or, I uproot to a new state, knowing I’ll move again in a year or two, try to make new friends and see my family more than I do now.
I’m struggling with the right choice. I really don’t feel connected here. My kids have all said they don’t want to come back to Houston so my waiting here just means I continue to get older and eventually more frail. But I don’t want to move there and my son feel more pressure. If my husband were still alive, things would be very different. I wish there was a sure fire way to know what to do and what the outcome will be.

I think it’s important to have an honest conversation about expectations and what help would look like to each of you. My parents and in-laws are their late 80’s and all live independently. My in laws made the choice to live close to family, my parents did not. Both choices are fine when everyone is healthy, but far more difficult when not.

Here’s an example since my mother and FIL are both currently going through a health crisis. My husband has been able to be in the hospital every day after work, checking in on his dad and giving moral support to mom. He’s brought meals and made sure his mom gets home at night. All without taking time off of work.

Conversely, I had to fly to my parents community and (temporarily) move in with them. It’s been a difficult situation because my mother knows I’ll have to leave eventually and she’s scared. Dad is good but he has his own physical limitations.

What I’ve noticed is that as my parents have aged, it’s harder for them to follow the conversations with their doctors when things get complicated and when sick, harder still. My mother gets confused in the hospital regarding medication and then feels unsettled. She is perfectly fine mentally, but gets tentative when she’s sick. It’s nice to be an extra set of ears at the doctor’s office or bedside.

So you need to be really specific about your expectations and how they would be addressed. Yes you have insurance, but if you’re really sick, are you going to be able/willing to manage home health care? Could your spouse? Who will drive you when you’re no longer able to drive- take you shopping- to medical appointments? And again, if you move by your kids, would they?

I don’t think it’s as much about the socialization as people have mentioned. We are busy with our own lives- kids, grandkids, work. You would have to be committed to building a community of people your own age to socialize with. BUT it is about who and how people will step in if a medical issue arises that impacts your cognition or mobility. Or you’re fortunate enough to live healthy to a ripe old age and just need people to check in on you and drive for you.

Lots to think about. My parents asked these questions recently and realized I’m the only child willing to get in the weeds. They are now considering a move near me.

Good luck with the decision. There’s no wrong answer, it’s just understanding and accepting the outcome of either choice.

also the temperament of the adult child matters....I think...my relationship with my daughter is like walking on egg shells...since she was a preteen to her age of 30 now...she is a busy professional living on the west coast....when she gets stressed it seems I am her easy target for verbal harshness.....meaning if I say something she does not agree with, an opinion, she is quick to patronize me, insult me...however when she is happy with her life she is very kind...

i think the type of relationship matters...even if my daughter buys her big beautiful home, her dream, and has small place for me, I still would not relocate to be near her....now at age 60 I can deal with her personality by ignoring, deflecting, remaining silent, and going on with my life on the east coast...but as an old lady, that will be too stressful and I worry when I need her the most she may be unkind to me for whatever reason

but my son, who lives an hour away, is not as financially savvy as my daughter, will not be proactive in checking in on me, BUT, he is and always has been very kind to me, to date...if I ask for help, he is mature enough to be there for me, as he was when I had surgery last year...he made the time and his fiance is a joy, kind soul, who calls me mom already....so I will continue to live in my retirement community near my son, because even though he is an hour away, he will be kind and help me when I ask..hopefully he will see when he needs to be proactive too...I would easily move to an apartment to be near him and his fiance if I needed to make it easier on my son with his family obligations...so kindness matters

@lynnecp , very true and many good points. Living near family members doesn’t necessarily mean you have help.