To move near family or stay put

Thanks, we have been in this community for 21 years and it is a 55+ community. We’re still in the same house and have no winters of snow.
Lots to do every day.

A move is very difficult. Not sure if moving where we have to make new friends will be worth it. I am 82 and he is 85.

also the temperament of the adult child matters....I think...my relationship with my daughter is like walking on egg shells...since she was a preteen to her age of 30 now...she is a busy professional living on the west coast....when she gets stressed it seems I am her easy target for verbal harshness.....meaning if I say something she does not agree with, an opinion, she is quick to patronize me, insult me...however when she is happy with her life she is very kind...

i think the type of relationship matters...even if my daughter buys her big beautiful home, her dream, and has small place for me, I still would not relocate to be near her....now at age 60 I can deal with her personality by ignoring, deflecting, remaining silent, and going on with my life on the east coast...but as an old lady, that will be too stressful and I worry when I need her the most she may be unkind to me for whatever reason

but my son, who lives an hour away, is not as financially savvy as my daughter, will not be proactive in checking in on me, BUT, he is and always has been very kind to me, to date...if I ask for help, he is mature enough to be there for me, as he was when I had surgery last year...he made the time and his fiance is a joy, kind soul, who calls me mom already....so I will continue to live in my retirement community near my son, because even though he is an hour away, he will be kind and help me when I ask..hopefully he will see when he needs to be proactive too...I would easily move to an apartment to be near him and his fiance if I needed to make it easier on my son with his family obligations...so kindness matters

I appreciate all these perspectives. I’m trying to figure out what to do myself. My husband died when we were 48. I am now 62. I’ve worked since he died as a teacher. I live alone and have traveled over the last few summers because I realized years ago that being isolated at home is very hard for me emotionally. I have 3 sons, 2 daughters in law and 7 grandchildren but they all live in other states. I visit each set twice a year and talk to them often but I hate living so far away that I can’t see their games, recitals or anything they are doing. It’s been difficult. I asked my oldest son and his wife if they would be ok if I move near them. I am in contact with a 55+ community and plan to live there. Part of my plan is that I want to meet people my age, still travel some, but be close so I can be a part of their lives while I’m still healthy and able to be active. My daughter in law wants me there and has been vocal that she can’t wait. My son also said he wants me there. But he is concerned because he is very busy right now. He works full time and is taking online classes to get a degree. He’s in his 18th year in the Air Force and will be retiring in the next few years and starting a new career., which means a move for all of us. He and his wife do fight a lot and he has said he’s concerned about it being awkward if I’m there. He also expressed concern that I would be asking him to come help me when he doesn’t have time to do the things he needs to do right now for his family. I am glad he’s being honest. I feel like there will be some growing pains because we haven’t lived near each other since he left home. My choices are that I continue to live in Houston, which is very lonely. Most of my friends are still married. They have their kids nearby and see their grandkids often. I go eat with them once in awhile but our lives are different. They are busy with grandkids. Or, I uproot to a new state, knowing I’ll move again in a year or two, try to make new friends and see my family more than I do now.
I’m struggling with the right choice. I really don’t feel connected here. My kids have all said they don’t want to come back to Houston so my waiting here just means I continue to get older and eventually more frail. But I don’t want to move there and my son feel more pressure. If my husband were still alive, things would be very different. I wish there was a sure fire way to know what to do and what the outcome will be.

I believed my adult son and his wife when they encouraged me to move near them, but when I got there, their tune changed. When I was told, the second time, that if I needed to go to the hospital they would take me, but they wouldn't come in with me, they would just let me out to go in by myself, that I realized it wasn't a good place for me to be. There were other suttle signals, my son promising to do some work on my house and then having him call me to tell me that he wouldn't be able to do it - until he had finished every task on the own home first. It was a very uncomfortable time, but I decided to move back to where I had started from. My friends welcomed me back with open arms, but my son and his wife no longer talk to me.

@joanland I am so sorry this has happened to you.

It sounds like your son wanted to do more for you, but his wife didn’t appreciate him spending more time on you and your needs than what she was prepared to grant him. My uncle was torn between his mom and his wife in the same way.

I’m so glad you have a supportive community around you. ( don’t have children so I know I need to plan my community. I do have 2 very close nieces but I’m not counting on them having time for me when I’m older.

Awful for you that your son and his wife aren’t talking to you now. You don’t need that stress! They’ve probably had a lot of fights between them over what happened.

Wishing you joy and comfort in your community ❤️‍🩹

I’ll just tell you what I did. I was let go from my longterm job (nepotism) and had only 1 close friend left in town. I decided to move to a new sees because one of my sisters - the one I’m closest to - lives very close by. It took me about 2 years to reach the top of a waiting list for an over 55/60/62 apartment. (Each one had diff age requirement but I met all of them.)
Moving was stressful. Packing was the worst. I lived among boxes for months and now am unpacking everything. That all said, I’m so thankful I made the decision.
My sister was 90 miles away from me and I never got to see her in person unless I took an all-day bus trip. Now we see each other regularly. I’m starting a new chapter at almost 64. I don’t know the town and everything is new. I still am close to the beach (little farther now) and have friendly neighbors.
Do a pro and con list (being near family is the first pro) and go from there. Bring close to children (my nieces in this case) is a plus for me. They visit their parents every couple months (they live 3-5 hours away) so I get to see “my girls”.
Do what will make you happy. Look into places now and if you decide not to move, you’ve lost nothing but a little research time.