Throwing money away: Balancing between autonomy & watchfulness

My hubby eventually got to where your husband is. He could not keep up with his money. Like you, I had done everything necessary to protect our accounts, but he got to where he couldn’t keep a wallet because we spent so much time looking for it. We put an air card in it to keep track of it, but it still managed to get lost. Now, I give him money when he needs it (like when he goes to lunch with his brothers) for everything else I am always with him. Sometimes he makes comments that he doesn’t have any money, but I reassure him that he does, and all he has to do is let me know what he needs and I will give it to him. That’s working for us for now.

Hi, my husband does not stay alone, so he would not be able to withdrawal money on his own. I too took his bank cards away and just ask him how much cash he wants to keep on his person (it was $20 yesterday).
That way he still has some spending independence but can't commit any further financial abuse.
If you or someone else isn't with him all the time, it could easily happen again.
Good luck managing this tough situation.

Make sure the credit card he carries has a $100.00 limit, and no more cash in the wallet than you’r’e willing to lose. Put a note in his wallet telling him the credit card limit. He may not read it, or forget about it, but you can try.

Your point of transition is one of the hardest. When he reaches the point where he no longer has the energy or will to go out alone, you can manage life better.

You might want to put air tags on everything possibe- his wallet, key fob, and somewhere hidden in the car. Also download the Life 360 app to track his phone.

Have you changed passwords on computer programs for bank accounts & other financial/asset accounts?

I’ve got this financial stuff under control, but heading for a hard time about driving and when he must be told he cannot. So much of this is darned hard!

@judimahoney TY.
Will try your suggestions.

@labrown Thank you. I'm gonna go the cash in hand route. I do have full authority over all our accounts. Sad that I cannot expect logic or sound decision making from my life partner as this brutal disease takes over. 😪

@marco88 Thank you. Good idea.

Feeling like I've been there done that.

My husband has MDS blood cancer, not curable, barely treatable now, having failed Procrit, Vidayza, Reblozyl, Revlimid, and soon to attempt Revlimid again at a low dose, with oncology treatments right now every Tuesday; bilateral nephrectomy - no kidneys, so he's on dialysis four hours every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; dialysis fistula issues have required three repair surgeries so far, always difficult healing; enormous needle pain at fistula site with every dialysis treatment; skin cancer requiring Mohs procedure that takes all day when treatments are needed; NAFL liver disease; and recurring C-diff even after Zinplava treatment.

He's had two knee replacements, two big toe joint replacements, two shoulder replacements; colon resection; hernia surgeries; lumbar laminectomy; gall bladder removal; and ice pick headaches; now recovering from shingles on his face and neck with eye pain. Top this off with memory loss and dementia for the past five years or so; it's taken a downward turn for the past six months.

We know a lot of providers at Mayo Jax - Mayo people call him a "frequent flyer"- but he stays in good humor. I'm 83 years old. I'm tired. All this, and dementia is the very worst to deal with!

Today he has tiny blisters on one leg from his ankle to above his knee - what the heck could that be? Fire ant bites in the middle of winter? He hasn't been outdoors.

If the photo attaches, this is DH when I got him!

My husband with LBD doesn't leave the house alone anymore. However, we went through a time when he was ordering items off the internet and charging them on his credit card. Many t-shirts and random items. Sometimes the shirts were the wrong size, or other items weren't what he thought they were, so I had to return them. We have an agreement now that if he wants to order something, he should show it to me first. Not necessarily for approval, but to review and make sure it is what he thinks. After a credit card bill of over $300, he agreed to this arrangement. It works for now.

I have a POA for finances and healthcare, most bills are in my name or both, and I manage the bank accounts.

It's a hard fine line to walk between independence and dignity and protecting your finances.

Caregiving is hard, and we grieve for the partnership we've lost. It's tough not to get resentful and angry about taking on additional responsibilities. I try to focus that resentment and anger at the disease and not my husband. I'm not always successful.

How did he get to the bank? It might be better for you to give him cash when he needs it.

@pdraayer thank you for sharing and validating that it is a hard fine line to walk between independence, dignity and protecting finances, The disease is brutal. My husband can't separate out the disease and who he is and self deprecates when he sees me take responsibility. It's hard for me to sort out what he can't and can do as the disease is fickle at best until each day I get a wow which feels like a gut punch and I say to myself, Really? And then I tighten the reigns to keep him safe as well as our finances. Driving is being addressed now too. He is able bodied and scores moderate to severe with cognitive decline on the Global Dementia scale. It feels like there is no "us" anymore. I have so much decision fatigue. This little tome here feels like a journal entry, a safe place for me to feel seen and for me to see myself. Thank you for seeing me here.